Q. My 3-1/2 year-old has started waking every night around the same time, and screaming. I think he’s in the middle of a nightmare. He’s really frightened, and I don’t really know what to do. Not much seems to help—often, I’ll bring him in bed with me, but that doesn’t change the situation long-range. He keeps waking up really scared. Is there any way to help him get through this?

All of us experienced nightmares at some point in our childhood. Usually, nightmares are an occasional thing. Your son probably is experiencing what they call “night terrors,” which go on night after night for a period of time, and usually entail a recurrent dream, or at least, recurrent feelings of fear.

Here’s my picture of what happens to cause nightmares, and night terrors. Your child has an acutely sensitive internal monitoring system that signals strong emotional and physical alarm at the slightest hint of danger, injury, or threat. And because little children don’t understand yet how the world works, their minds register many situations as threatening. Their emotional alarms can go off daily. For instance, a baby might feel afraid while sitting facing the rear in her car seat, because she can’t see anyone there. More challenging situations—going through a struggle at birth, facing a long separation from a parent, or having a scary accident—register deeper fears.

When an experience has caused fear, a child will either go very quiet and lock down his emotional system until it seems safe again, or will scream and cry with all his might. That screaming and crying serves an important purpose! If an adult can come close, hold the child, and let him know that he’s safe now, the child will cry and thrash and keep expressing fear until the fear has been fully expressed. At that point, a child’s system is able too understand that the threat is over. He doesn’t remain afraid.

Many times, at least some of that feeling of fear stays stuck in the child’s emotional memory. The feeling lasts because at the moment the child is frightened, there isn’t the time or the support for the child to really finish expressing how frightened he became. Parents who want to help him will try to hush his expression of fear, because we’ve all been taught that the parent is supposed to hush crying and talk (or threaten) a child out of expressing his feelings. So the feelings of fear that the child didn’t finish expressing are stashed, uncomfortably, in memory.

These emotional memories don’t just sit there. They cause trouble. A child’s stored moments of fear can be kicked into play by little everyday things. A child can become afraid of having his teeth brushed, afraid to wash his hair, or afraid to go into a room by himself, as a way of signaling that he still carries fear within him.

When children are awake, they can stay one step ahead of the feelings of fear they still harbor by being active. Children who harbor big fears tend to be very active—constant activity distracts their minds from the feelings that linger under the surface. But things like the start of school, a parent taking a business trip, a thunder storm, or a tense time in the family can easily trip the stored feelings of fear. The child distracts himself during the day, but in sleep, there’s no escaping the fact that feelings are rankling inside. The mind portrays the fear in the form of a nightmare. It weaves a story or an image with the feelings that were embedded some time ago.

When a child wakes crying and screaming, he’s doing exactly what he needs to do to offload his stored feelings. Crying, trembling, perspiring, and thrashing wildly are the way children dispel the power that fear exerts in their minds. They need to scream. They need to thrash. They need to show you how desperate and terrified they feel. And they need a parent to be close to them, to hold them, and to keep them safe while they get rid of those awful fears.

Your job, as parent, is to hold the child and be his emotional anchor. Make sure a bit of light is in the room so he can see you if and when he opens his eyes. Put your arms around him, pull him onto your lap, or sit very close and keep him right with you. Let him move. Try to tune in to the deep feeling he is expressing, but don’t panic yourself. He needs you to know that he’s in the middle of an emotional bad dream, and to love him and trust that the bad dream will pass. Pour your love and your confidence that all is well into him.

Here are the kinds of things you can say while he’s wild with upset:

“I’m right here, and I’ll keep you safe.”

“Nothing is going to happen to you. I have you in my arms. You are OK.”

“Whatever frightened you is over. It’s never going to happen again.”

“I’ll stay with you until you can tell you’re safe.”

“I am protecting you. I’m watching over you every minute.”

“If you look into my eyes, you will see that I am right here. If you can, take a look.”

Be patient. Working through a big chunk of fear takes time. The kinder and more confident you are, the harder he will cry and thrash, but then, eventually, he’ll feel OK. The bad dream will lift. He’ll be glad to go back to sleep again. And he’ll wake up bright and cheerful in the morning.

Night terrors happen when the fear a child is trying to offload is not a small one. So the child’s mind cooks up a frightening image night after night to set up a chance to work through and be finally rid of the fear that sits so uncomfortably in his memory. Children who have spent time in neonatal intensive care, who have had accidents, or who have been through other overwhelming experiences often have night terrors. Their instinct is to heal fully from frightening experiences, and night terrors help a child to do this difficult but liberating emotional work.

You have great power to assist your child’s emergence from old fearful experiences if you stay, listen, and guide their emotional release process. We call this kind of help Staylistening. If it’s difficult for you to do, because your child seems so distraught, then it’s smart to find a listening partner. Our booklet, Listening Partnerships for Parents, outlines how you can arrange an exchange of listening time with a friend or another interested parent. We parents are, understandably, saddened and sometimes frightened by our children’s raw moments. We love them so much, and, by and large, we haven’t ever taken on the job of helping someone while they face their worst fears. It’s difficult. But a listening partnership can give a parent the emotional wherewithal to help a child heal fully from the fearful experiences he’s had.

Here’s how it can work:

My son had an accident that split his hand open when he was just a year old. We rushed him to the emergency room. My husband and I were frightened and shocked, and I’m sure seeing us so stricken added to his fear in the situation. In the emergency room, they drugged him, strapped him to a board, and stitched him up. I was with him every moment, but the whole experience was not what you would wish for a twelve-month-old child! He cried a few times in the next few days, but he didn’t have a huge emotional reaction to the incident at the time.

When he was three years old, he began to have night terrors. For several months, he would wake screaming and fearful every single night at about 10:30 pm. I figured that he was probably finally tackling the fear from his accident, but there was no way to know for sure why he kept working so hard on fear. He couldn’t really tell me anything while he was screaming, fighting, sweating and trembling. And when he would finish, the fear banished for the night, he would just cuddle a bit and go back to sleep. One night, he screamed so loudly that the neighbors over the back fence knocked on our door to make sure everyone was OK.

Every night, I reassured him, held him, and told him that whatever had scared him was over and it would never happen again. He would thrash and scream. It was as if he couldn’t hear or process any of the reassurance I was offering, but I knew that it was important to be his anchor, to supply a steady counterweight to his fears with my confidence that he was OK. He was fine in the mornings—the emotional episodes didn’t seem to leave any residue to taint the next day.

During this time, he had the same wildly fearful response to any tiny physical injury—any scuff on his knee, or bump on his head. When I could, I did the same, holding him and offering him a safe, close place and time to process his emotional memories of that earlier accident.

He had his terrors every night, like clockwork, until his mind finally was rid of the fear, and didn’t send up any more bad dreams. And throughout this period, a deep seriousness and watchfulness that seemed to be his personality gave way to more laughter, more sparkle, and more appetite for adventure and humor. He began to play with more abandon, and to seek out more daring adventures. Being held and reassured through his night terrors was lifting the heavy weight of caution, and allowing him to see the world as a safer place.

Hand in Hand is a parent education non-profit that has been helping families to build the super-protective factor of parent-child connectedness for twenty years.  You can learn more by reading the Listening to Children booklet series by Patty Wipfler or by signing up for our free monthly newsletter, Connecting! . Or follow us on Twitter at http://twitter.com/ListenToKids .

Okay, I guess the swaddle didn’t actually go anywhere for many families around the nation and the globe. However, new and experienced parents need go no further than their favorite parenting website or book these days to read about the wonders of wrapping their little one up tight. From Harvey Karp’s bestseller, The Happiest Baby on the Block, to the American Association of Pediatrics, experts are touting the use of a well-spun swaddle to reduce excessive crying and increase sleep efficiency in newborns.

While there is little debate about the value of swaddling, the act of swaddling can seem daunting at first. After all, you’re talking about wrapping a piece of fabric around your new squirmy bundle tightly enough to have it stay in place without it being too restrictive or hot. Oh, and can you make that organic?

Enter the Solana Swaddle. Here’s what we love about it. One. It’s big enough to actually do the things that all the swaddle instructions tell you to do but you can’t really do with standard sized swaddles (at least not on our 10+ pound test babies). Two. It stays in place. The fabrics are soft enough to be next to baby’s skin while having enough texture to grab onto itself, a real blessing for those parents with Houdini babies. Three. It doesn’t overheat. For winter babies who are sleeping in toasty homes dressed in cozy sleepers and for summer babies sleeping in hotter climes, Solana wraps provide the swaddle without the sweat. Since overheating has been linked to SIDS, this gives mom and dad reason to sleep easy too.

Solana Swaddle Wraps are made of lightweight muslins, gauze or organic cotton. At 45”X45”, these full squares of fabric double as nursing covers, stroller covers, and more. Some say it’s just a square piece of cloth but we say it’s a good night’s sleep. Everybody wins with Solana.

Many of the recommendations that I and other indoor air quality professionals make can be very expensive – like installing hardwood or tile floors, or replacing a hot-air heating systems with baseboard or radiator heat. But there are a number of things you can do that won’t cost a fortune and that can help keep the air in your home clean and allergen and irritant free. Below are 15 examples.

1. Remove your shoes when entering the house, and ask that other family members and guests do the same. This will help keep soil out – and some of that soil can even contain lead dust, if you and neighbors live in homes more than 30 years old and that have been scraped and painted.
2. If you have plants indoors, put a waterproof dish under each pot. If the room is carpeted, be careful not to spill water on the carpet, because this may lead to mold growth.
3. Not to be indelicate, but remember to close the toilet before flushing to minimize bioaerosol (airborne particles that come from living things, such as bacteria and even the H1N1 virus).
4. Don’t burn jar candles, which can produce a lot of soot. Soot particles are unhealthy to breathe in and of themselves; in addition, they can act as surrogate (substitute) allergens if they’ve been in contact with mold or pet dander, and then become re-aerosolized.
5. Use a vacuum with a HEPA (high efficiency particulate arrestance) filter, because conventional vacuums spew out allergens and irritants in their exhaust. If you hire cleaning help, be sure they use your vacuum, and not their own. If you have a central vacuum system, be sure the system exhausts to the exterior and not into your garage or basement.
6. Avoid using laundry detergent that contains enzymes, because these chemicals can exacerbate asthma symptoms.
7. To help control mold growth, dehumidify your basement in the humid season. Keep the relative humidity at or under 50%. And if you have a finished basement, keep it consistently warm (thermostat set at a minimum of 60ºF), whether you are using the space or not.
8. Only use a dehumidifier that condenses water and not one that only exhausts air. Don’t run the dehumidifier in the winter.
9. If you have a garage that is attached in any way to your house, don’t leave the car running in the garage, or combustion products can flow up into habitable spaces.
10. Be sure you have an exhaust fan over your stove, and that the fan vents to the exterior. This will help reduce moisture, cooking odors and combustion products in the house.
11. After showering, leave the bathroom door open, and operate a table or tower oscillating fan in the room (plugged into a GFI outlet, please) for an hour, to speed drying of surfaces and help prevent mildew growth.
12. Dogs and cats are living dust mops. If you have a dog or cat, don’t let the pet sleep in the bedroom of someone with allergies or asthma – like your son or daughter – and keep your pet out of the basement if it smells musty.
13. If anyone in your family is allergic to dust mites, be sure every mattress, box spring and bed pillow in the house has a dust-mite cover. Use the covers with polyurethane liners. You can save money by buying the all-plastic encasings for the box springs and mattresses; just put an extra-thick, cotton mattress pad on top, so the sleeper won’t feel the plastic. Never take a dust-mite cover off a mattress unless the mattress was new to begin with, because then dust-mite allergens will escape into the room.
14. If you have baseboard or radiator heat, vacuum the baseboard convectors or the surfaces of the radiators before the heat turns on each year, to get rid of irritating, allergenic dust. Use a 36-inch vacuum crevice tool (Google 36 inch vacuum crevice tool) to get to hard-to-reach places.
15. Clean your portable air conditioner before you use it for the first time every year, and add filter material (at least MERV 7) to the intake grill, to help keep the cooling coil clean. If you have central air conditioning and/or hot air heat, use a MERV-8 pleated media filter in the air handler. Be sure the filter holder is air tight (you can cover it with duct tape if it’s open), and change the filter as frequently as is needed.

Have you foraged for edible plants along the roadside lately? How about recycling your dryer lint? No? Well, you will be happy to know that modern frugality doesn’t involve radical or extreme methods for saving a buck. Today’s frugal involves living within your means and enjoying a comfortable lifestyle with movies, dining out and vacations. Of course, the movie might be a $1 rental from a grocery store kiosk, the restaurant meal bought using a www.restaurant.com gift card and your hotel paid for with credit card reward points (or booked for an off-season stay).

My question to you is this: Do you consider yourself a frugal person? If not, why? What lifestyle choices have you made that keep you from being able to say you live frugally? For some, the word frugal has a negative meaning. They may associate it with a way of living that is so meager they can’t imagine it for themselves. These days, though, modern frugal is cool. It’s one of the most effective ways to live within your means and keep your family out of debt – all very cool things. Why pay more than you need to? The peace of mind that comes from living debt free is definitely worth the small steps it takes to live a modern frugal life.

A huge debt-free movement is spreading and there are many people out there who are completely out of debt – even their mortgages are paid off. We’ll have our only debt – our mortgage – paid off before our children go to high school in three years, which is really exciting! We have been living a modern frugal lifestyle for 10 years now and I can’t imagine living differently.

Can you say YES to any of the following? If so, you probably want to consider a modern frugal lifestyle:

· Are you struggling with debt (or have any debt at all, really)?
· Are you concerned that your job may be at risk?
· Are you unemployed and searching for a job?
· Are you living on a fixed income?
· Are you unable to afford health insurance?
· Are you worried about having enough money when you retire (aren’t we all?!)?
· Do you simply want to have more money at the end of each month?

Well…. Did you say YES to any of the above questions? My guess is that most people would say yes to at least a couple of them. In the coming months, I’ll be writing about how to live a modern frugal life from every angle. I encourage you to consider the suggestions and try at least a few. You’ll be surprised at how easy it is to spend less, save more and live just as comfortably. Maybe you’ll even be proud to call yourselves modern frugal. Next time, we’ll start uncovering all the great ways to cut your grocery bills in half including couponing, meal planning and store promotions.

If you are proud to be frugal, feel free to speak up and post about those things you do to live within your means. I love to learn new frugal techniques and I am sure other readers would like to read your ideas as well. As I always say: It’s Your Money – Spend It Wisely!

If your son or daughter has allergies or asthma, there may be conditions inside the school building that could cause your child to experience health symptoms. What are some of these conditions, and what you can you as a parent do about it?

Carpeting. Many modern school buildings have wall-to-wall carpeting, which is often cleaned in the summer, when weather is most humid. If the carpeting remained damp for more than 48 hours, it may well contain mold growth, subsisting on captured dust. If your child’s classroom smells musty, the carpet may be the culprit. Ask the school to have the carpet dust tested for mold (or contact DACI lab at Johns Hopkins University and find out how to take a sample yourself).

If mold has grown in a carpet, the contamination cannot be removed completely by traditional steam cleaning. Treatment with steam vapor may help, but in the end, the carpet may have to be replaced. Meanwhile, the carpet can be covered with an adhesive-backed plastic like Pro-Tect.

Pets. Sometimes a teacher will have a pet rabbit or some other animal in the classroom, or even a fish tank. If your child is allergic to the animal, ask that the pet be moved to another room. And believe it or not, fish tank covers can be home to dust mites, thriving on the protein in the fish flakes spilled on the rim or stuck to the cover, and basking in all that warmth and moisture. Then mite allergens can become aerosolized when the cover is opened. If your child is allergic to dust mites, ask the teacher to keep the rim and cover of the tank clean.

Books. Times are lean, so I don’t blame teachers who collect children’s books at yard and library sales. Such books, however, can be covered with mold growth, especially if they’ve been stored below-grade (below ground level). If any books in the classroom smell musty or have visible mold spots (particularly on the spines), ask that they be removed from the room.

The front door. Children should not enter a school building directly onto permanently installed carpeting, because then moisture from their shoes can fuel mold growth. Ask the school to put a replaceable mat on top of the carpet in front of entrance and exit doors.

Below-grade spaces: Many modern school buildings have classrooms, the library, or even the gym partially or fully below-grade. If not adequately dehumidified in summer, such spaces often become contaminated with mold. Ask your child to try to keep track of any symptoms he or she experiences. If the symptoms worsen in below-grade spaces, your child may have to be excused from gym or library time until the spaces are cleaned.

Resources:

· The EPA’s “Tools for Schools” offers an overall indoor air quality plan for schools (800-438-4318; www.epa.gov/iaq).
· Check the EPA site for “Mold Remediation in Schools and Commercial Buildings (www.epa.gov/mold/mold_remediation.html).

Your child spends a lot of time in the school building. Don’t be complacent if you think there are conditions there that are threatening your child’s health.

Have you ever noticed that runners have strong defined thighs, cyclist have firm, toned calves, swimmers have strong v-backs, and gymnasts are compact and strong all over? It shows that your body can be shaped by the exercises you do. For example, for many years I was a competitive gymnast. Because gymnastics entails lifting your body weight, I was small and buff all over. After college I was into weight lifting and put on a bunch of muscle mass, especially in my shoulders and upper back. In graduate school I got really into yoga and started teaching it. My body transformed-my muscles became lean and long! I’ve found the perfect combo of exercises that give a defined, lean, long look and I’ll share a little with you.

*Kickboxing: Great for toning the thighs, buttocks, and waist. Kicking in various sequences also boosts the heart rate for an ultimate fat burner. Time 30-40 min. 3X per week.

*Light Weights: 2-3 lb. weights are all you need to have a defined look. Work the shoulders, back, chest, and arms for 1-2 min. each body part. 2-3 sets 3X per week.

*Interval Training: Mix it up-keep your muscles working and your heart rate going and lose a lot of body fat! Do a 5-10 min. interval of kickboxing followed by a 1-2 min. interval of light weights. Repeat the sequence for 35-45 min. 3 X per week.

*Yoga: Great for lean, long muscles + mental clarity and relaxation. Yoga is excellent alone and or a great stretch for the end of your workouts. I recommend 20-60 min. 3-5 X per week.

Still not sure what to do? Check out my postnatal workouts! “Stroller Workout for Moms” is a 60 min. workout you can do inside or out combining intervals of kickboxing and the use of your own body weight, plus a 10 min. toning portion for your thighs and abs, and a yoga stretch. Also “Total Body Toning” is a 30 min. power packed workout combining kickboxing, squats, upper body toning, plus pilates moves and a yoga stretch.

“Does your dog bite?”

“Umm, no, she just carries that mouthful of choppers around for show.”

That has got to be one of the most inane questions anyone can ask about a dog.

EVERY dog, barring crippling injury or birth defect, has the potential to bite if provoked,
whether it’s a three and a half pound Yorkie or a 200 pound English Mastiff, the potential
is there and it is irresponsible and unrealistic to ever forget that, no matter how placid or
forgiving your dog is.

So many factors can contribute to the commission of a bite, and most dogs will give
ample warning, up to and including the “air snap,” even attempting to remove
themselves from situation before biting a human.

If your previously gregarious dog suddenly takes a snap for no seeming reason, it’s
imperative that the first thing you check for is a medical problem. It can be anything from
a painful injury you were unaware of, like a thorn stuck in a pad that gets inadvertently
squeezed when he shakes paws with you or someone else or a disease that’s causing
him to feel vulnerable and/or in pain.

It’s your responsibility to protect your dog, to learn what stresses are too much and how
to read his signals before a situation escalates to the point he feels pushed past his
limits and either remove him from that situation or intervene and defuse the tension.
Then it’s up to you to work with your dog to see if his confidence and comfort level in
those types of situations can be boosted to achieve a higher level of tolerance, if the
stressor is something that should be tolerated.

There are some stressors that should never be allowed, such as provocation with the
intent to physically harm you or your dog. Those are the times it will be all on you to get
out of the situation or make sure your dog doesn’t get the blame. Other provocations,
particularly those that might be regular occurrences, need to have the threat removed.
Your dog needs to be acclimated to them, to learn that they just aren’t that big a deal.
One of the best ways to achieve this is simple desensitization. It sometimes takes time
and dedication, but it’s not complicated and is well worth your efforts. You will need
patience, a comfy dog bed, a source for the stress, a pocket full of treats, and a calm demeanor.

Take your dog, in a dog crate, to a place where he is exposed, at a distance, to the source of the stress.
Don’t take him close enough to start displaying signs of discomfort, though. It may take
you a few tries to find out just where his comfort zone ends, but bear with it. When
you’ve got him at the edge of his comfort zone, where he’s aware of what he’s normally
reactive to, but isn’t yet reacting you can start. Get his attention; talk to him in his
favorite happy voice, give him some of the treats. Keep doing this in short sessions,
working your way closer and closer to the problem, not pushing faster than your dog is
ready to go, though. You won’t always get one hundred percent non-reactivity, but
unless there’s a deep seated phobia there, maybe something that happened in your
dog’s past, you should eventually get to the stage where the two of you can walk on by
without it turning into a brouhaha of you hanging onto the other end of a shivering or
snarling beast.

Another important facet of desensitizing your dog is to build his self-confidence. A
confident dog is a safe dog. Fear is most often the goad to a bite. Think about what
kicks your own self-confidence up a notch (other than looking smokin’ hawt). It all
revolves around being good at what you do, realizing it and being recognized for it.
Easy to convey to the canine! Training isn’t just to make your life easier or to teach your
dog to make you look good after you’ve bragged on him; it allows him to learn to be
confident, in himself and in you.

While you’re working on those desensitization exercises, run through a couple of
lessons he’s very good at and be lavish with your praise. You will not only be
underwriting and improving that confidence factor by the simple fact of reminding your
dog of how good he is at being The Dog, but you’ll be teaching him that The Scary
Thing has no power to take him off his game; he’s still The Dog and together the two of
you are still in control of the situation and everything is just fine.

 Q. It seems to me that children aren’t playing with each other the way they used to. Sometimes, it looks to me like they hardly play with each other at all–they act out imaginary scripts, and they’re each in their own little worlds, next to each other. What can I do to get them really playing again?

I have to agree! Something important has happened gradually over the past 20 years to children’s play. The play in schoolyards and preschools has slid toward more scripted acting, and in many places has moved away from flexibility and from the inclusion of whoever wants to participate.  In spite of this trend, there are simple things parents can do to help their children retain their ability to play flexibly and cooperatively.

Children Are Interested in Each Other from Infancy Onward

Having worked with infants, toddlers and preschool children for many years, I think that children’s inherent ability to notice each other and to care about each other is great, from their early months onward. Very young children may not express themselves in words, but they show that they are highly interested in other children. Through their body language and the expression of feelings, they show acute sensitivity to what happens between themselves and other children. 

Many used to believe that children only do “parallel play,” and don’t really respond to each other fully until they are past 2 years old.  If you look closely, however, you will see that very young children can acknowledge each other, can be thoughtful of each other, and can respond to each other’s initiatives much earlier than two years old, as long as those children have themselves been treated as though they are intelligent, thoughtful people. I remember one 13-month old child in the infant-toddler center I ran who showed a special interest in one of the younger infants there. When her parents took her on a 3-week trip, she called his name every day. She missed him and remembered him often.

Building Empathy and Flexibility in Play

There are two major factors that enhance a child’s ability to show empathy and sensitivity toward other children in play: respect and freedom from canned media input.

Respect

One of the foundations of empathy and connectivity in play is the parent’s ability to honor the child’s intelligence. For instance, with a three-month-old, a parent might say, “OK, Tammy, we’re going to change your diaper now. It will only take a minute,” or, “Tammy, it’s time for me to leave. I’m going to work. I’m going to say good-bye now, and I’ll see you tonight. I love you, I love being your Daddy.” The parent makes the assumption that a 3-month old can make sense of his tone, his words, and the situation. From the moment a parent starts this kind of respectful treatment, his child’s ability to feel trust in others grows. That respect and the confidence it builds promotes language development and allows the child to feel safe enough to show compassion and interest in others.

Part of honoring a child’s intelligence is learning to respond to a child’s crying or tantrums with a willingness to listen. Rather than saying, “Oh dear! What’s the matter now! Can’t you see I have to strap you in the car seat!?” and assuming that the child’s crying is nothing more than a nuisance, the parent would respond with, “I’m here. I know you hate the car seat. I need to buckle you in, but I’m here. You can tell me how hard it is.” The parent would honor the child’s need to express her feelings fully, even if those feelings include wild protest.

We call this Staylistening. It’s very simple, but it’s hard to do. We want to solve our children’s upsets immediately. We don’t want to look like “bad” parents with a “spoiled” child. And if we feel rushed and pressured, we have a hard time slowing down to listen to feeling. Our schedules feel much more important than taking time to honor our child’s upset. However, all good children need to have frequent good cries and healthy tantrums. It’s the way they clear ordinary, everyday bad feelings out of their systems. It’s the way they dissolve the issues that bother them, so they have the emotional capacity to take interest in their parents, their siblings, and in other children. When an adult warmly listens to their big feelings, they make gains in their ability to respond flexibly to other children in play, and to cooperate with the adult more fully in everyday interactions.

TV- and Video-Free Environment

A second important determinant of a child’s empathy and flexibility in play is how much TV and video programming he is exposed to. TV and videos offer free “baby sitting” for harried parents who are overburdened with work and the stresses of parenting. But the breather the parents get is a very mixed blessing indeed.

The price exacted by TV and video programming, even programming “designed for children,” is that it wraps the child’s mind in one-dimensional experience. Children are built to learn by using their bodies and all their senses. They need to experiment, make thousands of necessary mistakes, and try out all the ideas they have in a safe environment. TV fascinates children, but it glues their attention to a flat screen experience that has little to do with real people or real life.

Children see cartoon characters being chased, caught, bopped on the head, or plunged into flaming crashes. They see appealing little creatures threatened by forces much greater than they can handle. And if they watch sports with Daddy, they see highly sexualized adult interaction during the beer commercials or scenes of horror when the latest movie release is advertised. These create scenarios in their minds that can’t be processed, because they are not congruent with the safe, emotionally warm, protective environment their minds need in order to function. The images keep popping back into the child’s consciousness as their minds try to work out what they mean, and their play becomes a repeated effort to crack the meaning of the violence, the threat, the interactions contain no love or respect.

The TV or video experience tends to isolate the child. As he plays, his attention is on the images in his mind, not on the child next to him. When that child doesn’t play according to the script, the child with the mental TV script has big feelings. When a whole roomful of children have TV scripts driving their play, the play is between many separate children each alone with their invisible script, rather than many children creating something together, and flexing with each other’s ideas. 

The eruption of feelings in play is fine, if an adult nearby understands that the upset is rooted in the vivid media experience that’s stuck in the child’s mind. As he cries about the non-cooperation of his playmate, or the fact that his mighty sword (just like the one on the video!) broke, his attachment to those rigid scenarios begins to melt.  He sobs that life isn’t like the video, and with your closeness to support him, he recovers from the isolation that those scenarios enforced. When he is finished, he’ll be able to notice other children much more fully, and will be able to respond to them, rather than to the canned experience that had a hold on his mind.

It may sound radical in the electronic age, but I urge parents to set the policy that they watch TV only when the children are not present, and keep their children away from TV and videos until they are well into elementary school. By that age, children have developed strong interests and talents, built good friendships, and have learned to read and to tell their own stories in writing and art. They are in a much better position to manage the slippery understanding that programs and videos are not the real world. However, even pre-teens can be adversely affected by movies and video games that offer harsh, violent, or highly sexualized content.

TV saps parents’ power to connect, too. When our children see us watching TV, they see the parents they love temporarily unable to engage with them. TV flips off the big switch of connectedness: when it’s on, we lose the feel of our connections to each other. This is hard for young children to understand–why are their beautiful Mommy and adored Daddy so unresponsive? Why are the games or the news or the soap operas more important than anything else?

We parents do need time to take care of ourselves. We do need relief from the pressures and from the emotional currents of the day, which can toss and turn us until we’re exhausted. Sometimes, we seek refuge by turning on the TV and tuning out an unpredictable and demanding world around us.

There are a few decent videos and a few decent TV programs for young children. Look for the real-world based videos, and for Mr. Rogers, Reading Rainbow, and Sesame Street. Beware of Disney fantasies, as these always portray good and evil in ways that are frightening to young children. 

Experiment with turning off the TV, or unplugging it entirely, as did the mother in the story below. Staylisten as your children go through “withdrawal” and regain their capacity to connect with you and play flexibly with each other. Seeing the “before” and “after” difference will help you figure out the policy on TV and video that works best for your family.

Parent Success Story: No TV for a week!

I’ve been sick for over a week, and feeling distraught over stressful events on holiday with my parents and siblings. It was simply a time where I didn’t have much attention for playing with my kids.  Due to my feeling bad and a broken lock on the TV cabinet, they’d gotten to watch a lot of PBS kid’s programs.  And on vacation our host had purchased some really good kids’ videos, and they had spent a lot of time watching them on TV in our hotel room. 

I believe the studies that suggest that TV isn’t really helpful for children because such passivity occurs for the viewer. Yet, I’d let the viewing get out of hand during a difficult few weeks.

So, even though I wasn’t over my cold yet, I had a good Listening Exchange, in which my listening partner reminded me that I’m a good mom, and I had a chance to release some of my many upsets.  I took courage and asked my husband to fix the cabinet lock for me. The next morning when the kids asked for TV I said lightly, “We’re taking a break from TV!”  For a while we just snuggled but within 20 minutes my 4 1/2 -year- old son was sobbing on the floor about not getting to watch TV.  This was interesting since his first response to things unpleasant during the heavy TV period was to get angry and loud.  Now, with no TV, his sadness was instant.

I took heart, held him, and wondered what the day would be like since it had been an unusually long stretch that we’d watched a lot of videos in our house. I wondered what feelings might have been kept in check due to that distraction.

Within minutes the kids initiated a discussion on what there was to do.  And they asked why we were taking a break from TV. I said (as has been discussed between us before) “when we’re watching TV we aren’t really playing, or learning by noticing the world around us. Today we could draw, cut things out of paper, look out the window, or play in the sandbox outside.  We could eat breakfast, play–so MANY things!”

They both decided they wanted BIG teddy bear pancakes for breakfast and they both wanted to help. It was fun stirring the batter together. I realized the weeks with TV had halted their usual cooking-with-me time we’d had before.  At breakfast my son began crying hard again about “pretexts” such as his pancake wasn’t big enough and then I put his milk in the wrong cup.  Previously he had several minutes on the floor crying hard because I chose the wrong pants for him to wear.

I had a few concerns about whether I’d have enough attention for them particularly with my cough and headache–but I was able to kindly say, “I hear you, honey” or even get close for a few moments and put my warm hand on his shoulder. Then my 2 1/2-year-old daughter started in too. She began crying hard because she wanted to “win” at getting to the bathroom door first.

“Oh boy,” I thought, “This is gonna be a day!”  But I managed to just be there and not be impatient. I was just thinking to myself that I had a lot of courage to turn off the TV when I’m sick, when to my surprise, my son broke out in song.  This is what he sang, complete with hand motions and dance steps–a song from his preschool which he told me later he’d never sung all by himself before.  It’s such a beautiful song with these words:

 “Let all the children waken, The sun is in the sky,
Awaken! Awaken!  And hear the Cuckoo cry.
Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Wake up! Be Happy! Wake up Mr. Sun,
The night has gone, The day has begun! ”

Tears came to my eyes and I was so GLAD that I cared enough about my kids to turn off that TV.  My daughter then stood in front of the mirror and practiced opening one eye while closing the other.  By having time together, feelings and all, rather than virtual time my children had already showed me the interesting ways their minds work.  I wasn’t right at their side all day, either.  Here is a list of a few of the things they spontaneously did together while I cleaned, wrote, answered the phone and made tea.  They made letter shapes out of bead strings, played hide and seek, laughed and hugged, played by the back door, called hello to neighbors…

 Turning off the TV and allowing and supporting their feelings (even if not perfectly) immediately opened up possibilities–and the reality of their creativity, intelligence and hopefulness about the day. (Mine too!)

–a mother in Portland, Oregon

As our journey around the home is quickly coming to an end, we are going to face the challenge of organizing our bathrooms.  For this week we are going to focus on quickly purging our bathrooms of unneeded, unused, or expired items.  After purging, we will finish the week with a clean space. 

I always find it very helpful to set a timer when I am doing this type of project so I don’t find myself distracted.  Give yourself 5-10 minutes per cabinet.  During the time-block, only focus on the task at hand.  Don’t answer the phone, go to the bathroom, or get distracted by something (like trying out an eyeshadow shade you forgot you had).  If you need more time, simply set the timer again.

Please refrain from the temptation to run to the store and buy organizational tools now.  Wait until you get rid of the clutter before you try organizing your items in pretty containers.  Once you have purged; look at what you need stored, measure the space you have, and then you can look for containers that will suit your needs.  Be careful not to store things that should be tossed or donated.

Following is an example of how to break these tasks into 7 days.   Each day you should plan to spend between 15-30 minutes. Please keep in mind to break up your job into tasks however it suits you best:

Day 64:
Cosmetics- Pack up any unused items to sell or give-away.  The general rule of thumb is that most make-up is good for 1 year, but some are supposed to be used within 6 months, such as foundation.  It is not safe to give used items away, so if you don’t like it…toss it!  Do you have a bathroom cabinet full of make-up bags, which were included with department store cosmetic purchases?  These items are taking up very valuable real estate in your bathroom!  Donate them to a local charity, or use them at gift-giving time to pack up a present (like a nail care kit).  Wipe the shelves off before placing the items back into the cabinet. 

Day 65:
Toiletry items- Toss out empty bottles and consolidate half empty bottles.  Toss out anything that has expired.  If you have an over abundance of unopened and unused bath and body lotions from the mall, put these back for gifts.  These are great gifts!  Clean your toothbrushes by tossing them in a pot of boiling water, or better yet, get new ones!  

Day 66:
Towels- Now’s the time to get rid of the towels which have already fulfilled their life expectancy.  Cut them into squares for great rags and place with your other rags in the house and put some out in the garage. I know some people use a fresh towel per person every day and I am also aware of the health studies which would agree with this practice, but I find my family members can get around 2-3 days usage from a towel before I put it in to be washed.  For my family of four, I need around 12 towels per week.  I invested in 16 high quality Egyptian cotton towels 8 years ago.  These towels have been used very hard and remain brand new in feel and appearance.  

Day 67:
Bath toys- Clean any bath toys that your children have.  Dip an old toothbrush into some sea salt and scrub the toys.  If they are not able to be cleaned, toss them.  

Day 68:
Wash curtains (shower and window) and clean windows 

Day 69:
Give your cabinets a good thorough cleaning.  I personally like to use Murphy’s Oil Soap for my wood cabinets.  Today is another opportunity to purge more if needed. 

Day 70:
Wipe down all surfaces, wash the floors, and clean the toilets.  Clearly, if you have more than one bathroom this could take you longer.  Work at your own pace.  To reward yourself, make the room look pretty.  Place some fresh flowers on the vanity, display some candles around the tub area, and put some framed pictures on a stand. 

Enjoy the journey,
Betsy

Nothing says summer like outdoor barbeques, parties, and picnics, but it doesn’t take much for Mother Nature to rain on your parade. Keep your guests partying all day and all night with these weatherproofing tips from the August issue of Every Day with Rachael Ray to keep your next outdoor bash dry, cool, and of course fun.

Scorching Saturday?:
• Set out a sprinkler near the party so the light mist will cool the air.
• Use colorful rubber bands around glasses to prevent accidents with slippery hands.
• Place glasses of water mixed with sugar syrup to deter bees, and leave bug repellent near the party entrance.

Rain, Rain Go Away!:
• Put a rug by the entrance and a shoe rack inside the door in case of a mad dash inside.
• Buy a canopy and tough it out outside during a light shower.
• Include a rain date on the invite just in case.

Worrisome Winds?:
• Keep decoration low, and avoid balloons which can tangle.
• Anchor napkins with festive paperweights such as a seashell or a small coconut.
• Have cover-ups handy for chilly guests.

Include some rain-, heat-, and windproof part accessories like steel mesh food covers to keep bugs out of dishes, or colorful paper hand fans to cool guests off.

Visit www.RachaelRayMag.com for other summer party tips, and be sure to grab this issue of Every Day with Rachael Ray for more great summer treats.

I recently spoke to Professional Organizer Lea Schneider author of “Growing Up Organized: A Mom-to-Mom Guide.” Following is our conversation:

Betsy: In regards to children, what are the benefits of becoming organized in the home, and what negative effects have you witnessed as a result of disorganization?

Lea: Being organized is a stress-reducer. Our stress from daily events, like not being able to get everyone out the door on time, to losing the homework handout in counter top clutter, to trying to locate the missing cell phone or get dinner on the table when no one has made it to the store, creates one cranky parent. When the house is disorganized and parents are cranky and exhausted as a result, I imagine it is harder for any child to be sweet, compliant and happy. Being organized can help home life run smoother.

Betsy: Do you think it is easier or harder to keep things organized as a mom of young children now or twenty years ago?

Lea: One excuse for disorganization is the lack of time. Today, a mom of young children finds her time more consumed by technology. Working from home, checking emails, grabbing the cell phone or even just meeting up with friends on a social networking site takes some of the time that could be used to stay organized.

Betsy: What organizing problems are unique to this generation?

Lea: I’m not sure what generation you are referring to but in general our society has seen changes from mobility. We move for jobs. We hope to retire and move where it pleases us. We get a divorce and start over. We buy “starter homes” and dream of moving to a bigger one…someday.

With each move, we often acquire more things, furniture, accessories and bigger closets to hold our increasing wardrobes. As we get more things, so do the children. They have so many more toys, clothes, books and gadgets than previous generations dreamed of having. The more things you have, the more time you spend trying to organize those things and the more time spent wondering why you can’t get it all done.

Betsy: In your book, “Growing Up Organized: A Mom-to-Mom Guide,” I loved your chapter on how to attack the kids bedrooms. My daughter is ten years old and I find I still have to nag her to keep her room clean and organized. Do you think there is ever an age when we as moms should just allow the kids to live in filth in their own space if that is what they want?

Lea: You can be clean and disorganized. You can be dirty and disorganized. You can be dirty and organized. The two words mean different things.

Let me start by saying that it is not okay by me for my kid to live in a pigpen and for me to clean it up. Period.

Being organized is a measure of responsibility while clean means clean. Clean means the room is dusted, vacuumed, the trash is taken out, the sheets are changed and you won’t find a week’s worth of snack dishes under the bed.

I think that beyond the age of ten, a child who is organized with their schoolwork, chores and other activities, is capable of making their own decision about how organized or messy they wish their room to be. (You can make a shut-the-door rule.)

But along with that right, comes responsibility. I don’t think that they have the right to decide how clean they want their room to be. Set a standard for what cleaning chores you expect done and how often she is to do them. As long as she meets those standards, the room is hers. But, it is hers to not only keep messy but it is hers to vacuum, change the sheets and the other chores that you expect done. When a kid is old enough to start stomping their foot and saying “But it is my room” then they get the chores with the privilege.

Betsy: Do you find it better to purge through toys with or without the help of your children?

Lea: You should sort toys with your child but in an age appropriate and attention-span appropriate way. For example, a four-year-old is probably not ready to tackle a room full of toys by themselves. It would be beyond their skill to know where to start and beyond their attention span to stick with the task. However, a four-year-old might help you sort one mixed tub of toys into types – doll clothes, building blocks, crayons and so forth. Having them help you with portions of the toys and in small intervals is how you teach them. As they are older, they can do more.

Cleaning up and sorting toys with your child teaches them organizing skills. It teaches them time management, respect for property and personal responsibility for space and belongings. It teaches them compassion for others when they choose toys and books to give to charity. Do it with them. Don’t do it for them.

Betsy: What is the most common question asked to you by moms, and what is your advice for that question?

Lea: It’s the one you asked. What should I do about my child’s disorganized messy bedroom?

Children, and even teens, are not capable of doing a giant room overhaul alone. They have no experience in sorting into keep, donate, and trash. It’s very difficult for them to decide if they will need something again, if the clothes still fit properly or if it is okay with you to throw something out. You need to teach them the critical thinking skills involved in organizing. They will learn by doing it with you, not you doing it for them, unless they are a very young child. You’ll always need to be seasonally involved in a hands-on work session with your child. The daily or weekly clean-up should be their job, given out in age appropriate assignments.

Betsy: What are some of your general guidelines for setting chores around the house?

Lea: Someone needs to do them or the alternative is to move out and start over! Children learn how to be organized, how to practice time management, household skills and respect for their parent’s time and property by doing chores.

Guidelines:

· Choose age appropriate tasks.

· Be consistent. Don’t ask for two chores this week and 25 next week.

· Have variety. Mix it up. If you assign your child one chore, like emptying the dishwasher daily, you’ve only taught them one skill.

· Parents need to participate too. When everyone in the house heads off to do a few chores, it is pretty hard to complain how unfair it is!

Betsy: Although I am an organizer, I have to take the time to purge and organize my own space. I especially dislike dealing with my husband’s clutter (tools, clothing, etc) because I have limited control over the situation. What spaces do you dread organizing in your life?

Lea: When the photo shop clerk says “Double prints are free,” I cringe. I certainly don’t want two of them. I don’t want to deal with one. I dislike organizing photos. I love to have photos but I am not the least interested in making scrapbooks or photo albums.

Betsy: Despite my last statement about my husband’s clutter, he really is generally very neat and tidy. What do you suggest if the Dad in the household has a major clutter/hoarding issue?

Lea: Hoarding is a serious issue and is actually a medical diagnosis. If a family member is a hoarder, their amount of clutter can impact a family’s health, both physical and mental, as well as their safety in the home. If you have a family member with a hoarding issue, begin your search for help with your family physician.

Betsy: Have you always been organized?

Lea: Yes. As a small tyke, I drove my mother nuts by always putting away her shoes. She might take them off by the door and when she returned to slip them on they would be gone. (I probably drove her nuts in other ways but that’s material for another article!)

Betsy: Why did you decide to become an organizer?

Lea: A friend, tired of the waste, asked me to help her organize her leftovers in the fridge. Seriously. Another friend wanted attic help. My mother-in-law wanted help with closets. My sister wanted me to help my grown niece with her wardrobe. My parents wanted help downsizing my aunt. When people start wanting to buy you plane tickets in order to make use of your skills, it’s a good time to think about it as a career change. Best part of this job is when I get paid, I also get hugged!

Betsy: Your book is light-spirited, jam packed full of useful information, and very easy to relate to. Who do you think will most benefit from reading your book?

Lea: Thanks! If you are a mom, and you fall into bed every night and think “Maybe I’ll catch up tomorrow,” then this book is for you.|

Professional Organizer Lea Schneider, the author of Growing-Up Organized: A Mom-to-Mom Guide. (Amazon.com $14) Her organizing advice has appeared in Woman’s Day, Natural Health, Better Homes and Gardens Kid’s Rooms magazines, and in numerous websites and newspapers around the country, from The Columbian in Washington State to the Pensacola News Journal in Florida. In 2008, she was the Grand Prize Winner of the Rolodex Office Makeover Challenge. Her company, Organize Right Now, provides organizing assistance online using a team of expert professionals. For more information, visit www.organizerightnow.com.

Q. My daughter insists she wants to play with the two girls who live next door but she comes home every time highly emotional and upset. I watch them without her around and the older one is extremely mean to the younger one. I am not sure how to avoid this situation, or what to say to my daughter. I don’t understand why she wants to play with kids who are clearly mean and not willing to play reciprocally. She has reported that other kids at school don’t want to play with her. I think she might be bullying at school, having learned this behavior from the neighborhood kids.

A. Bullying is a highly contagious behavior that transmits immediately from child to child, like the flu. The behavior can start with an adult bullying, threatening, demeaning, or harshly excluding a child. Some parents do this as a matter of course: it is accepted in many families as rightful discipline. But disrespect and intimidation set a behavior example that children absorb in full. When a child has been treated badly, or has witnessed harshness, the behavior enters the child’s experience, but her mind can’t process it. Children simply do not understand meanness or harshness. It always hurts, even when they are not the direct target.

The words said, the facial expressions a child sees, the body language of the aggressor are all recorded in a child’s mind, much like a movie. And whatever feelings the child has—fear, helplessness, shame, confusion, perhaps anger—are stored in the child’s emotional memory, mixed in with this indigestible incident.

Children’s minds don’t naturally accept these wads of unloving experience. The way children try to get help with unloving experience is to display it openly—that is, to say the kind of thing that was said to them, to exclude another child the way they were excluded, to call someone a name they heard called on the playground. They do this when they feel upset, tight with fear, or far from the feel of love.

Being far from the feel of love is an emotional emergency for a child. The lack of a warm connection means that the child can’t be generous toward others, can’t be flexible, and must have things her way and her way only. Children display the worst of what they’ve seen in relationships when it’s been too long since their last cuddle, their last relaxed chuckle. Children need to see the love light in their parents’ eyes, and need to hear interest and consideration in the voices of their teachers, to function well.

The most vital thing you do as a parent is to connect. Children need their parents to take the time to make warm eye contact, to cuddle, to wrestle, to play, to hang out, to be available, and to offer limits when their children’s behavior turns sour. And children need their parents to listen to their feelings when they’re having a sad or a frustrating time of it. But parents are overburdened with work and the pressures that parenting create. So even when they do know something about the importance of connecting with their children, and allowing for emotional moments, they can have a hard time doing it.

When your daughter comes home from playing with the neighbors, she probably has witnessed what we call “off-track behavior.” It has upset her, and she’s signaling to you, with her own version of off-track behavior, that she’s in trouble. So when she gets upset at you, move close, put your arms around her, and tell her that you won’t let her say those things to you. Because you are close, and kind, emotions will heat up. She’ll spray more cutting words around, and she’ll show you her meanest faces. You won’t see her face. You’ll see a reasonable facsimile of what she witnessed next door or on the playground. To help her, accept her outpouring of upset, and guide her gently.

Say things like, “Sweetie, I’m your Mommy. I’m not going to let you talk to me that way. And no matter what you say, I’m going to be here with you.” Or say, “Something hard must have happened to make you say that. What happened, honey?” Don’t expect her to tell you. Your interest and warmth will help her feel the awful emotions that have collected. She will want to get away, will use more harsh language, and she may even start to try to hit or hurt. Gently but firmly keep her from hitting you or hurting you, but do let her have the feelings and the struggles that fuel this behavior.

You might also offer your daughter the reassurance that she is a good person and a good friend, and that anyone who gets to know her will see how special she is. If she “hates” you saying those things, back down a bit, but not entirely. Protest might mean that you’ve struck a chord of hurt, and that she needs this kind of reassurance, though it makes her cry harder and fight harder at the moment.

When she begins to cry or tantrum, you’re on the right track. The tears and the struggling and fighting that come next are every child’s way of offloading feelings of fear. If you want her to move out of these difficult behaviors, you need to allow an outlet for the feelings underneath, in your arms, with you guiding things along. You listen. She spouts and cries and yells and is beside herself. You tell her you care. She spews the things she has heard next door and on the playground, aiming them at you. You keep telling her that you’re going to stay with her while she feels this badly.

She needs you. It’s your attention and caring that are going to help her right her overturned emotional boat, once all the tension it carried has floated away.

We call this Staylistening, and it works beautifully to relieve a child of the meanness she’s been showing. Listening with kindness is the cure for the “bully infection” she caught. Your love replaces the hurtful memories she is processing. Here’s an article that contains a powerful anecdote in which an adult diffuses meanness in a child with Staylistening.

There are also playful ways to respond to a child’s upsets. One kind of response that works really well to diffuse meanness is described in the article, The Vigorous Snuggle.

Those are the things to try with your daughter.

But you don’t want to have to mop up after the neighbor children’s treatment of each other and your daughter every day.  Children who are out of bounds with each other need an adult to stop them, with kindness but full intention that this behavior will stop. If no one at their home is setting effective limits, then I wouldn’t let her go there, or to any unsupervised place to play with them. 

Here’s where you have some choice. You can, instead of letting her go there, invite them over to your place. For them to have half a chance of being good to one another, you’ll need to help all three of them feel connected to you. That probably means playing with all three. Pillow play, hide and seek, or active chasing and romping are the kinds of play that have the best chance of getting laughter (and thus, connection) going between them. If and when one begins to target another (and it doesn’t matter whether it’s your child or sibling-on-sibling harshness), intervene playfully and physically, “Ohhhh! Suzie has a few grumpies today! Hmmm, how do we get those grumpies out!? Shall I pick them out of your hair for you? I bet I can get them all! I FOUND one! Here’s another!” or “Hmmm, how do we get those grumpies out? I think I have to pump your arm up and down a bunch to squirt them out! Here goes!” If you’re strong enough, pick one of them up and turn her upside down and shake her…something like that. Offer immediate, vigorous, playful intervention. See if you can get them laughing, and “showing” you their mean moves, so you’ll tackle them again.

Let these games go on for as long as you can—they’re healing, and they help children find a way to have a good cry, sooner or later. The aggressor child needs some good big cries, to help her get her upsets taken care of.

It may not be workable for you to offer the neighbor children that kind of resource. 

If not, you can try setting limits seriously, but kindly. You might say with your most friendly tone, “Suzy, I can’t let you be hard on Sally here. If you have to be angry, come with me and tell me how you feel,” and bring her with you into another room. Listen to her upset until she feels better.

Or you can say, “Suzy, I can’t let you be hard on Sally here. I’m going to ask you to go back to your house for awhile, and come back when you feel better. We like you so much, and we want you here, but that kind of talk doesn’t work at our house.”

This last is the least workable, because it sends a child who is in her worst emotional state off by herself. She can’t help but feel blamed and shamed. And it may be that if she is sent home, she’ll get more harsh treatment there, fanning the “Mean Girl” flames for another day. But if your resources are at low ebb, it might be all you can do.

You’ll be able to think about these alternatives, and figure out which ones feel like they fit what you can manage, and what the neighbor children might be able to tolerate, too.

Let us know what you figure out!

Patty

Hand in Hand is a parent education non-profit that has been helping families to build the super-protective factor of parent-child connectedness for twenty years.  You can learn more by reading the Listening to Children booklet series by Patty Wipfler or by signing up for our free monthly newsletter, Connecting! . Or follow us on Twitter at http://twitter.com/ListenToKids .

Of the 70 million US households owning dogs or cats as pets around 10% of the population are allergic to them. That is, approximately 7 million pet lovers who suffer from allergies at the paws of their canine companions and feline friends.

Pet allergies are an immune system reaction to animal proteins that trigger inflammation in the lining of the nasal passages. These allergies cause sneezing, runny nose and a stuffy head for some sufferers; however, others experience more serious symptoms including contraction of the airways resulting in hives, wheezing, shortness of breath and other breathing problems.

Any household animal with fur can cause allergies; however, cats and dogs are the most likely culprits with cats causing more allergic instances than dogs.

Typically speaking humans pick up these allergens through the animals’ dander. While saliva and urine can cause allergic reactions it is the dander that bothers most people the most. When cats and dogs shed they expel small skin cells known as dander. These can remain airborne for some time and can also accumulate on upholstered furniture, carpets and pet beds. Saliva also causes reactions and can be transmitted via clothing or after it has dried and become airborne. While there are several hairless or hypoallergenic breeds available it is important to remember that no dog or cat can be free of allergens to a pet allergy sufferer. There are; however, several steps you can take to alleviate the severity of your reaction:

1. Create a pet free zone. If you are allergic to your pet try making your bedroom a pet free zone. Let him sleep elsewhere and keep him out of your room with products like indoor dog fences. By keeping your pet out of this room and running a high powered HEPA air filter you can cut down dramatically on the amount of allergens in the air.

2. Keep other living areas clean. Dust and vacuum frequently and avoid using dust and dander-catching fabrics such as drapes and carpet. Also, cover couches and pillows with washable covers for easy cleaning. If wood floors are not an option, invest in a HEPA filter vacuum cleaner or use microfiber anti-allergen bags in your current vacuum cleaner. All of this combined with running additional HEPA air filters throughout the house will keep dander to a minimum.

3. Protect yourself. When cleaning, make sure to wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask. These items are available for purchase at your local drug store and will keep you from breathing or coming into physical contact with animal dander and saliva particles when cleaning. Cleaning stirs up these particles and can cause a particularly acute allergic reaction.

4. Keep your pet clean and groomed. If you perform grooming at home make sure to wear your gloves and mask when doing so. If your allergies are severe then take your pet for professional grooming frequently. Regular grooming keeps shedding to a minimum and will dramatically reduce allergic reactions.

5. Take your medication. Try visiting your doctor for weekly immunotherapy. These shots will expose the skin to animal proteins and will gradually desensitize the immune system to pet allergens. Injections are given weekly at first and then tapered down to one per month when the body begins to produce adequate antibodies. If your allergies are more easily controlled then you can try an over-the counter antihistamine or a prescription steroidal nose spray. Inhalers are also available for pet allergy sufferers.

If all of these tips fail, don’t get rid of the family pet just yet. Some people suffer from allergies that have nothing to do with their pets. Common culprits include pollen, mold or cigarette smoke allergies. Don’t assume that your allergies are attributed to your pet. Visit your doctor and have a skin test of a variety of common irritants to confirm what your particular triggers are. Even the most sensitive to animal allergies can achieve a happy balance in the home with proper medical treatment, a regular house cleaning regimen and frequent pet grooming.

When it comes time to feeding your baby solid foods, your initial vision might be dipping a spoon into a little jar of pureed peas, carrots or bananas. Did you know that your baby will eat about 600 of these cute little jars of baby food? And that the cost of all these jars can add up $400-$600?

If you are interested in making a HUGE dent in this baby budget line item, we recommend you make your own baby food. Now don’t laugh, roll your eyes or start trembling at the thought of cooking – most people find it surprisingly simple and quick to make baby food.

Homemade baby food will cost less than $100, saving your family up to a whopping $500! And before you ask ” but who has the time?”, think about using the tried n’ true ice cube tray method of making baby food. It will take only 30 minutes per week! There are not many things you can do in 30 minutes a week to save hundreds of dollars.

Here are the four basic steps to making baby food:

Step 1: Start with fresh fruits or vegetables. Depending on the type of food, you will need to wash, chop and peel the fruits and vegetables. If you are using frozen produce, simply open the package.

Step 2: Cook the food in the microwave or steam the food on the stove. Foods are done when the can be pierced or mashed easily with a fork.

Step 3: Pour the food and cooking juices into a food processor or a blender and puree to a soft and velvety texture. You may need to add water to get the right texture.

Step 4: Spoon the food puree into ice cube trays. Cover and place them in the freezer. When frozen, pop the baby food cubes out into a freezer storage bag. Baby food cubes stay fresh for up to two months in the freezer.

When it comes time to feed your baby, simply select baby food cubes from the freezer, defrost and the rest is YUM!

Apple Puree
6 medium golden delicious apples

Step 1: Prep – Wash, peel, core and cut apples into one-inch (3 cm) slices.

Step 2: Cook – Place apples in a microwave safe dish. Cover. Cook 5 minutes and let stand for 5 minutes. Cook an additional 5 minutes. The apples are done when they can be pierced easily with a fork.

Step 3: Puree – Place apples and cooking juices into a blender or a food processor. Puree to a smooth texture.

Step 4: Freeze – Spoon into So Easy Baby Food Trays or ice cube trays. Cover. Place in freezer eight to 10 hours or overnight. Remove cubes from trays, place in storage container or freezer bag, and return immediately to the freezer.
Makes 24 1-ounce servings. Stays fresh for two months in the freezer.
To serve, select frozen apple cubes from the freezer, defrost and warm, check the temperature and feed.

Age to introduce: About 6 months.

Sweet Potato Puree
2-3 medium to large sweet potatoes

Step 1: PREP – Wash, peel and chop sweet potatoes into one-inch (3 cm) cubes

Step 2: COOK – In a medium-size saucepan, pour ½ cup water. Set a steamer basket in the saucepan and place sweet potatoes cubes in the basket. Cover. Bring water to a boil and turn down the heat and simmer for about 12-15 minutes. Let stand for 5 minutes. They are done if the sweet potatoes can be mashed easily with a fork. OR Place sweet potatoes and 2 Tablespoons (30ml) of water in a microwave-safe dish. Cover. Cook 8-10 minutes. Let stand for 5 minutes. They are done if the sweet potatoes can be mashed easily with a fork.

Step 3: PUREE – Place sweet potatoes and cooking juices into a blender of food processor. Add ½ cup (60 ml) of water. Puree. Add additional ¼ to ½ cup (60 – 100 ml) of water, as needed, to develop of smooth texture.

Step 4: FREEZE – Spoon into So Easy Baby Food Trays or ice cube trays. Cover. Place in freezer 8-10 hours or overnight. Remove cubes from trays, place in storage container or freezer bag, and return immediately to the freezer.
Makes 24 one-ounce servings. Stays fresh for 2 months in the freezer.
To serve, select frozen sweet potato cubes from the freezer, defrost and warm, check the temperature and feed.

There are few more money saving secrets to making baby food:

1. Buy fresh produce that is on sale or in season
2. Use coupons for frozen fruits and vegetables
3. Make baby food in large quantities and freeze it in single servings

Of all the environmental hazards in houses, lead paint is potentially one of the most serious, because it can and does have the largest number of victims. Lead-poisoned children number in the tens of thousands and suffer from reduced learning skills, behavioral and nervous system disorders, and in the worse cases of poisoning, mental retardation. Lead can also affect unborn children.

Up until 1978, nearly all exterior paints and most interior wood trim paint contained lead pigment. In the Boston area where I live, 80% of the homes contain lead paint, because much of the building stock in the city is older. If you live in an older home, contact your local health department to see what you must do about lead paint.

Below are some things to keep in mind to help protect yourself and your children from lead exposure.

1. Be careful when you renovate. One husband and wife wanted to sell their home, and their real estate agent suggested they repaint the interior to freshen up the property. They had two young children and not a lot of money, so they decided to do the work themselves. They diligently sanded and scraped wall and wood surfaces to prepare them for a new coat of paint – all while living in the house. They accepted an offer, and the prospective buyers hired a lead inspector. The inspector drew everyone aside during his site visit and said that the house contained the highest levels of lead dust he’d ever seen. Even the infant’s crib and teddy bear were contaminated. He suggested that the family evacuate the home immediately.

2. If you live in an older home, and have a sandbox outside your house, or a dirt pile for your children to play in, buy new sand or dirt– don’t use dirt from your yard. Don’t grow fruits and vegetables in the soil around your house until you have that soil tested. Make people take off their shoes when they come into your home. The soil around older homes can contain high concentrations of lead compounds – perhaps because the siding contains lead paint that was scraped before surfaces were repainted. Some people also think that lead compounds in our environment came from gasoline, before the additive tetraethyl lead was banned from fuel. When this chemical was in fuel, lead ended up in the exhaust of cars and trucks, and entered the air at a rate of about the weight of a penny for every 5 miles traveled. These microscopic lead particles found their way into the soil around houses after being washed out of the air and off of roofs.

3. If you are thinking of moving into an older home, hire a professional to do a lead inspection. Don’t forget to have carpeting tested, because it may contain soil and dust that people carried into the house on their shoes and that contains lead dust. If the property has already been de-leaded, ask to see the final lead inspection report.

Lead paint chips are not sweet and children rarely eat them. Invisible lead dust is a more worrisome culprit.

(c) Jeffrey May

My husband and I read to our two daughters on a daily basis. We love sitting down with a big pile of books and sharing the stories. But in our increasingly busy lives the art of actual storytelling seems to be slipping away.

PlainTails recently launched several CD collections that focus on classic storytelling. PlainTails First Tales is geared towards toddlers and preschoolers. “The Gingerbread Boy and Other First Tales” had my daughters’ attention from the minute I put it in our car CD player. They usually spend our commute arguing and tattling on who stuck their tongue out last. For 48 blissful minutes they were lost in the world of The Gingerbread Boy and The Frog Prince.

The stories start out with a few bars of music and then begin. While I had planned on enjoying some quiet time in the front seat, I actually found myself listening to the stories. There are a total of four stories on the disc. I assumed my daughters would be done with it once we heard all four, but they surprised me by asking to listen to them again.

PlainTales Explorers has several CDs with themed stories on each. “Animal Tales: Raccoon, Bear, and Coyte” are fictional tales about these three animals, but include a lot of educational material within the story. “Johnny Appleseed and Other American Legends” is a great way to introduce your child to some classic American stories about famous figures like John Muir and Lewis and Clark.

The CDs are $12.95 each and will really encourage your child to starting spinning their own yarns. It helps them look at the world through different eyes and forces their imaginations to expand as they think about each story.

June officially kicks off summer, and it’s time to take the party outside!

The June/July issue of Every Day with Rachael Ray gives great tips on how to put a playful spin on a classic cookout.

Rachael Ray’s design buddy Evette Rios suggests:

• Use bandanas instead of napkins to add color and flare to table settings.
• Pin down craft paper for a tablecloth and lay out pens for drawing.
• Whip up sides that will fill you up without weighing you down. For example, a Grilled Corn and Red Potato Salad with Jalapeno Vinaigrette is a tasty light choice to mayonnaise.
• Pick up colorful nylon kites to decorate the overhanging trees for a whimsical background, as well as fun entertainment for kids.

Snag this month’s issue of Every Day with Rachael Ray for more summer entertaining tips. Don’t forget to check out the new www.RachaelRayMag.com and bring out your inner host.

There really is no right or wrong way to clean. Whatever works best for you is great. Be very careful that you do not get stuck in the details of these projects. Do what you can and then move on! Don’t spend this week cleaning and organizing your spice cabinet. We’ll spend some time down the road de-cluttering this room and you can focus on those areas at that time. Your main goal for this room is to spend the next seven days working towards a clean, functional, and easily maintainable kitchen.

I must admit that for me the kitchen is the area that requires the most work. If my kitchen looks clean I feel more relaxed and in control…and vice-versa. My family (myself included) can tend to use the kitchen as a dumping ground. Attempt to come up with clutter-busting solutions to fit your home. If you have an area that seems to accumulate clutter, try to come up with a system to get rid of it (or at least contain it).

Following is an example of how to break these tasks into 7 days.� � Each day you should plan to spend between 15-30 minutes. I do best if I set the timer.� Please keep in mind to break up your job into tasks however it suits you best

Day 57:
Grab a bag and purge! Set the timer for 15-30 minutes and purge what you can. If this is a project that requires more than the time permits, just write this down for a project to do when you have a chance. Don’t let yourself get stuck!

Day 58:
Clean ceiling fan, walls, doors, ceilings, and baseboards. If you have time left, try to tackle a bit more purging.

Day 59:
Clean your fridge. This means inside, outside, and on the top. Also clean your oven. If your oven is not a self-cleaning type, you may want to do this at a later date.

Day 60:
Take down curtains and wash
Clean the windowsills and trim
Windex windows, mirrors, and all glass surfaces
Hang the window treatments back up

Day 61:
Completely clear off your countertops and wash them down thoroughly. Clean small appliances and decorative accessories and make an effort to be very selective which items get placed back. Appliances which are not used much should be tucked away. If you are like me and seem to accumulate clutter in one area of the countertop, place a basket there! Old habits are really hard to break! If you have a table in the kitchen, wipe that down as well.

Day 62:
Wipe down all the cabinets and try to wipe inside as many cabinets as possible.
Sweep and mop floors
Treat yourself!� Decorate for summer; new tablecloth, placemats, fresh flowers, etc.

Day 63:
Free Day (or catch up)

Before you start any of the above projects, make sure you start with a straightened room.

Some of the tasks may need more time than what you have this week. An example of this would be if you really need a thorough de-cluttering of plastic ware, spices, freezer, etc. For larger tasks, skip it for now (or do what you can without making a larger mess for yourself) and make a to-do list. At the end of our 80 days (or during, when you have the time) you can go back to the list to see what needs to still be addressed. I don’t want you to get stuck and lose your momentum.

Enjoy the journey,

Betsy
�

Q.� � I really want to connect with the kids this Summer when we’re less busy. I would love some relaxed ‘down time’ with just the family but don’t want the kids to complain the whole time that they’re bored. What do you suggest?

What do you remember of the lazy days of summer when you were a child? What were the best times? What did you look forward to all year long? What new experiences did you have that taught you new things about the world, your talents, and yourself?

For parents in two-job and three-job households, the anticipation of the fun of summer is lost in the pressured rush of figuring out child care, camps, and whether or not a vacation is financially possible this year. But it’s important to think, for a moment, about what opportunities summer does bring, both conventional, and unconventional!

There are chances to play more fully

The chance to play all day, every day is wonderful for children. They need those long days and weeks with no pressure to perform, pass tests, or prove themselves, except by their own choosing.� Play is the natural habitat of children. At play, they are using all their minds and their hearts to learn and grow.

We can relax some of the rules and worries we usually live by to let fuller play happen. Having water fights in the yard, playing hide and seek at dusk in the neighborhood, staying at the park until it’s really dark, making a mud hole and some really thick “chocolate” cakes in it, making a tent from a sheet in the back yard as a hideout, spitting watermelon seeds as far as you can—these are the kinds of play that don’t require electricity, don’t require any purchases. They just take imagination and a “Sure, that sounds great!” attitude from a parent.

Any play that includes laughter (and doesn’t include tickling or making fun of someone) is play that helps children grow strong. They gain confidence in the goodness of others as they laugh. They feel like there’s genius in the air when they laugh. And, chuckle by chuckle, they shake loose from their fears and worries.

There are chances to learn in unusual ways

When you have a toddler nearly ready to use the toilet, you can allow him or her to roam the back yard naked, learning to master bodily functions in a place where there can be no “accident.” You can pee with him in the bushes, and laugh together as the leaves dance. When you have a child afraid of the dark, you can sleep outside with her when the moon is full, to see what it’s like to have it be light all night long without a night light. When you have a child afraid of the water at the pool, you can try to stick your toe in, and then run playfully away, “afraid” of the water, so he can laugh while you “borrow” his difficulty for a half hour or so. When you’ve got a child who chews her fingernails, you can grab a puppet, and let the puppet want a nibble, getting some laughter going as your child denies the poor puppet a taste. Summer means that fresh new things can happen, usual boundaries can flex, and parents can relax a bit more around play that one wouldn’t allow when life has to be more structured.

There are chances to learn to help children with the feeling of boredom.�

Some summer days can lose their sparkle. Children feel listless, and say they are bored. You’ll notice that there actually are things they could do, and people they could play with, but they are missing that sense of adventure that can turn a simple piece of paper and a scissors into an experiment with hat making, or airplane crafting, or cut out design. The feeling inside of them is actually the problem, not any lack of things to do.

As far as I can tell, when children say they’re bored, they really are telling you that they don’t feel connected enough to feel hopeful. So rather than become irritated that they don’t appreciate all the things they have, or all the time you’ve spent trying to make them happy, move in close. Lie down with them, or next to them, where they languish. Don’t try to solve the problem of what to do. But do look pleased to be with them. Do cuddle. Do just stay there with them, until they can absorb your presence and your attention. If you want, after several moments of just lying with your child, paying attention but not prodding, you can begin musing about stuff they could do. But be silly in your suggestions. Say things like, “Well, we could start a booger collection and pick all our noses and see how much we can get, and figure out where to store it!” “We could try to give Bowser an airplane ride like you get on my feet!” or “We could hide under the bed when Daddy gets home, and see how long it would take for him to find us.” or “I could lick your toes and see how they taste!” or “I could shake you upside down, and see if that gives you any ideas at all,” or “We could put a cotton ball on the overhead fan, and then turn it on, and see what happens!”�

Any silly idea will do. You’re not trying to solve the problem of what to do. You’re trying to get a bit of laughter going, and then a bit more, and then even more. While children are laughing, the bridge between you and them rebuilds. Your silly ideas, and the release of laughter, jumpstarts their minds. Soon, they know what they want to do again. If not, they become irritated with you, and your presence becomes more and more of a bother. They work themselves into a good cry, which is the other way children clear their minds of emotional sludge, and regain their enthusiasm for life. Stay. Listen to what a dumb day they are having, and how you are a stupid parent because you won’t let them x, y or z. To really get the awful feelings out, they need someone safe as their target. That would be you! You don’t have to believe that this is their full and final evaluation of your parenting. It’s not. It’s just what they need to do to get the tears going strong, so they can come back to you and feel their love for you again when they have finished.

Vacations provide the chance to help children over big behavioral humps.

For children, the best thing about vacations is that their parents aren’t so busy. The prolonged contact (which often starts in the car or on a plane) gives children’s emotional minds a sense of greater safety. This, in turn, translates into children trying to set up chances to heal from the harder times they’ve had. Any times of forced separation, strict boundaries, or tense parent preoccupation with adult issues leave an emotional burden sitting heavily in children’s emotional memory.

When the family comes together and spends extended time, a child’s limbic system, the seat of her emotions, gets the signal that all is better than usual. Feelings that don’t correspond to the closeness, the ease, or the sense of relaxation pop up, ready to be released. Those feelings, held in storage for days or months or years, don’t match the present circumstances. It’s as if the limbic system says, “Hey, we have a wad of xyz upset in here that is old and taking up lots of space. The world isn’t xyz any longer. Let’s heave it on out!” and up comes the upset, right at the time when the parents are trying to relax and enjoy their children.

If you’re not ready for your children’s emotional cleansing sessions, you’ll be irritated for sure. You’ll think, “This ungrateful kid can’t tell that we’ve practically stood on our heads to get her to Jungle World. And now she’s crying because we won’t buy her a second stuffed animal! What have I done wrong to raise such a child!?”�

If you have remembered that, when conditions are extra good, children then cry about when they weren’t wonderful, so they can leave the emotional debris of that past incident behind, you’ll think, “Well, this is a hassle for sure. But here we are, we don’t have anywhere we have to be. We can sit here and listen to her cry about wanting a second stuffed animal. We can just keep saying ‘No,’ and loving her. That’s what she needs, and that’s what we’ve got. Time and love. The rest of the people here we’ll never see again. If they are bothered by us, they can find another gift shop.”

Here’s how it works:

One of our Hand in Hand moms went with her husband and her two sons on vacation in Hawaii. It was a very special trip. The whole family went through a three-hour time change, and this upset sleep and family rhythms for the first day or two. They used Playlistening—wild wrestling and pillowfights in the morning—to help relax her children, who were tense with the changes and the early rising. They also took care to give their boys Special Time—each of them took one son, and did Special Time each day, trading boys back and forth day by day. The boys were also getting unusual treats: special foods, lots of fun in the water, and even a video or two, usually forbidden at home.

By the third day, their older son, who has been an edgy, tightly wound child from the beginning, launched into a big cry. The pretext was small, but the theme was, “You never take me anywhere!” He went on for very long time. His next upset was, “You never buy me anything,” launched right after he’d been allowed to have a new toy. He was clearing out old feelings that the new and relaxed situation had shoved up for healing. The parents guess that, over the next week, he cried a total of 4 or 5 hours, hard! They listened and didn’t hurry him. Yes, it was disappointing at times, but they decided to trust his sense of what he needed to do at any one time. His little brother also had some really big cries, the most obvious of which was one sitting on the jetway on the way home, refusing to walk because the airline attendant had handed his brother a boarding pass after scanning it, but not him.

The parents were feeling a bit badly done to, as they had imagined an idyllic time, full of play and enjoyment, but finding at least one big long cry each day was being chosen by one or the other or both of their sons.

When they returned, they noticed a huge payoff in the behavior of their oldest. He was one who refused to touch a vegetable. He began showing off, eating every vegetable at dinner, and salad for breakfast! He would never clear his plate from the table. “It’s too heavy,” was his usual excuse. After vacation, he has been showing his parents how many plates he can carry at once—he is up to five at a time! He would never allow his mom to help him with spelling or other homework. Any suggestion was rebuffed, or taken as a criticism. After vacation, presto! He was easy to work with, interested in suggestions, open to help. The boys’ mom says that they have a neighbor who gives very few compliments, and who has known her son since infancy. A week after they came home, he said to her, “Your son has become so flexible, so easygoing! I’ve never seen him like this.”

She is sure that what allowed this progress to happen was the close family time, and the Special Time, Playlistening, and Staylistening they did. They hadn’t planned to create an emotional “spa” for their children. But children know when an opportunity is at hand, and they’ll go for healing and a better connection any chance they have.

May your vacation offer such chances. May you remember that your children’s upsets are the beginning of a summer growth spurt, a healthy sign that they love you and trust you to care.

For more stories of how parents use the tools of Parenting by Connection with their children, visit our new blog at http://superprotectivefactor.wordpress.com/

Hand in Hand is a parent education non-profit that has been helping families to build the super-protective factor of parent-child connectedness for twenty years.� You can learn more by reading the Listening to Children booklet series by Patty Wipfler or by signing up for our free monthly newsletter, Connecting! or follow us on Twitter at http://twitter.com/ListenToKids� .

When a couple moves in together or gets married they are busy combining two households into one, picking out new dishes or arguing over what color to paint the living room. Chances are the last thing on their mind is outlining an ownership agreement of their dog; however, it can be very important to outline who’s dog the dog will be in the event of a split.

If there are two dogs belonging to two different people then the situation is more clear cut; however, if one member of the couple owns the dog prior to the relationship they need to protect their rights as the dog’s owner. Another situation to consider is if the couple gets a dog together during the course of the cohabitating relationship.

Couples must agree on who owns the dog, who will take responsibility for daily walks and feedings and perhaps most importantly, who bears the financial responsibility for caretaking. These situations are not always clearly defined between partners in attempts to avoid awkward conversations, but they should be to make things easier in the event of a split. If possible the couple should consider drawing up a contract to outline these details to avoid hurt feelings later.

The person owning the dog, caring for the dog and providing financial support for the dog are not always the same person. Responsibilities are often shared and this is where the dispute can sometimes arise. People often feel like they put effort into raising the dog and are left in the cold when the split arises. If you already have a dog when you go into a relationship you need to make it clear that the dog will be yours when the relationship ends. This often means that you will need to provide the financial support in addition to being the primary caregiver. If you expect that this will be the case you need to make sure that your name is on the Veterinary records and you will need to take responsibility for registering your dog in your name with the County Animal Control office.

If you elect to get a dog while in the relationship you will need to make sure to specify who will take ownership and responsibility. If the dog belongs to both and other responsibilities are split then there will likely be a custody dispute at the end of the relationship. The cost of owning a dog can also become a burden and splitting the expense of the dog bed, hidden fence and other pet supplies is highly recommended to keep things fair. This is fine if you are prepared to set aside your differences to create an amicable custody arrangement if necessary. Dog custody arrangements are on the rise in a society in love with their dogs and have become common place amongst divorcing or separating couples. This arrangement can have benefits and drawbacks; however, it should be discussed upon getting the dog rather than waiting for the separation to occur.

Regardless of your situation an agreement can and should be discussed sooner rather than later to avoid inaccurate assumptions on the part of either member of the couple. One member of the couple could feel that because they buy the dog food and pay for the Veterinary visits they are the entitled owner. On the other hand, the other partner could feel that because they do the daily walking, and feeding that they are the entitled owner. Both sides have a good argument so it is best to discuss before hand to prevent unnecessary hard feelings during a difficult time. In the end your dog could be lucky enough to have two caring parents and the best of both worlds, but this will likely not be the case when resentments are involved.