Next year my husband Scott and I will be celebrating our 15^th wedding anniversary. A few of my friends and I were recently chatting about tips to keep romance alive. As I was offering my suggestions, I immediately thought about how many of my tips for a happy sex life were actually centered on being organized. Now, I am certainly not implying that you should add “sex” to your check-off list for the day or week (or month if the case may be), but there are definitely things that you can do to help keep the spark alive, that actually fall under the realm of getting your life organized.

Time Management & Bedtime :
Often times we are just too tired for sex, because we simply are too tired, and at bedtime we are anxious for the bed, to sleep!  Try to factor in time with your partner when you are scheduling your evening in your mind. Allow yourself just a bit of downtime before going to bed, and simply relax. In addition, make sure that you are getting enough sleep each night so that when evening comes you are not too exhausted.

Family Chores:
Get your family involved in the chores outside the bedroom, so sex does not feel like a chore inside the bedroom. The entire burden of getting the house cleaned and organized should not be on one parent’s shoulders. Not only is it a great help to you, but remember that teaching them to be self-sufficient is one of our most important responsibilities.Â

Meal planning:
When your kitchen is organized and you take a few minutes a week meal planning (which actually saves tons of time and money), you are often more apt to eat correctly. Take your vitamins and make sure to eat foods with adequate amounts of such things as vitamin A, vitamin B complex, vitamin C, vitamin E, zinc, and others. I often wonder if we women have such healthy sex drives when we are pregnant in part because we are taking such good care of ourselves with taking our vitamins and eating correctly.

Make Exercise a Part of Daily Life:
There are many reasons that you should try and schedule exercise into your daily schedule. Not only does it get your hormones revved up, but it is also a great stress-reliever. You don’t have to join a gym or purchase expensive equipment, just try and make exercise a part of everyday life by walking, swimming, or running outside with the kids.

Prioritize:
Let’s face it, we simply cannot have it all or do it all. Be careful to not get overwhelmed with life by placing the important things at the top of the to-do list and allowing those others to fall back a bit. Remember to make your partner at the top or at least near the top of the list!

Schedule Date Nights:
What types of things did you do before you had children? Remind yourselves who you fell in love with in the beginning of your relationship. It does not have to be expensive or take tons of planning. Take advantage of willing teenage neighbors and Parents Night Out programs at your local recreation center. Â

Keep Work Out of the Bedroom:
Work does not just mean career/paper work; it can also be family bills, laundry, toys, etc. Anything that will cause you stress, can often ruin the mood. Not to mention, if you can’t see your partner in your bed behind the piles of clutter, you may forget he is even there!

Making little changes in your daily life can have huge implications on not only your life but the life of your entire family. Now, the question must be asked: how important is sex to the marriage?  This is truly something that you and your partner need to discuss together. Schedule a date night and find out!

Please share your ideas with the other Clever Parent readers!

Betsy

Valentine’s Day in a restaurant: a) romantic or b) amateur hour? If you picked ‘b’, a night in with a fabulous meal and the one you love may be enough to cure your Valentine’s Day-itis. Here are a few ways to make it a night to remember.

1. Dress It Up. Just because you’re having a meal at home doesn’t mean throwing on your comfiest pjs for a night in front of the TV. Don that sexy cocktail dress and his smartest suit to show off the stylish couple you are. Prefer something more casual? Pair your favorite jeans and top with a great pair of shoes.

2. The Meal. Pick up a copy of The Date Night Cookbook (romantic recipes for the busy couple) and make it a meal to remember. The first book by Meredith Phillips, a classically trained chef who you may know better from her stints on ABC’s The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, the recipes are simple yet elegant. The book is equally suited for the coffee table with its beautiful pictures. Plus, a section in the back puts menus together for you and there’s even a section on ‘16 super-quick dishes for busy weeknights’. Learn more and buy here.

3. The Scene. Skip the TV tonight and pull out some of your favorite tunes from your early days as a couple. A little romantic jazz or R&B (check out the Brand New Heavies) goes a long way in the romance department. Dim the lights, light some candles, sprinkle some rose petals, pop open a bottle of bubbly. Looking for something a little more adventurous in the bedroom? Check out The Liberator for bedroom adventure gear, lingerie and ideas.

4. Get Creative. Remember those ‘coupons’ you used to give your parents for presents when you were a kid (1 coupon to wash moms car, 1 coupon to mow the lawn without whining)? Write up coupons for the one you love on red, pink and white paper (good for 1 back rub, good for one dinner at your favorite restaurant, good for a little… check out the The Liberator to get in the groove) and put it in a jar with a bow.

Sure, Valentine’s Day can be amateur hour, but it doesn’t have to be. Have fun with it this year and you may just find yourself celebrating Valentine’s Day throughout the year.

My name is Caroline and my mother writes romance novels. This isn’t the beginning of a Daughters Anonymous speech, but rather an honest admission of fact. My former school-teaching, preacher’s wife of a mother has published dozens of books over the last decade. We’re not talking about the sweet and touching romance novels, but rather the spicy kind you have to store on a fireproof shelf for fear that they will send your bookcase up in a blaze of passion.

I’ve gotten a lot of flack over the years for my mother’s career of choice. Apparently once you have kids and pass the age of 40 you are no longer supposed to think about sex, have sex, or worse (gasp!) actually write about it. Why we, the younger generation, feel the need to monopolize sex is beyond me. Seems we all deserve to get in on the action.

My mother started reading romance novels as a teenager. She developed her writing skills over the years and along the way fell in love with a talk, lanky man who she worked with on the high school newspaper. My father has unfalteringly supported my mother’s dream of writing and even jokes that “The research is killing him.” I try not to dwell on the whole research thing. A girl’s gotta sleep at night after all.

It wasn’t easy for my mom to break into this particular field. She received rejection letter after rejection letter over the years. I used to dread getting the mail each day because you never knew when one of those big brown envelopes containing an unwanted manuscript would arrive in our mailbox. Growing up, my younger sister and I incessantly reminded mom that Dr. Seuss was rejected 99 times before his work was finally published. Fortunately for mom, it didn’t take 99. She sold her first book the year I turned sixteen and it hit the shelves less than twelve months later.

Many people have called my mother’s writings smut and trash. I’ve heard romance novels criticized in more ways than I can count, yet the industry is alive and well with more than 51 million readers. I am proud to count myself among those masses and often give my mom’s books as gifts to share the gift of romance with my friends.

Personally I don’t think romance is limited to a man and a woman. I believe romance can spark between sisters, friends, and even neighbors. To me romance should be part of our everyday lives and something we each should strive to have more of.

Can these books really teach us anything about experiencing love and passion in the real world? Aren’t they really just tales of idealized women and their heroes who could never make it outside the pages of the book? After reading my mother’s works and many other romance novels over the years I believe we have much to learn from these stories. My mother’s novels have been translated into numerous other languages and sold half-way around the world. There is a universal need to love and be loved and these books expose that need. I think it hits a little too close to home for many of us, so it’s just easier to strike down this less exalted literature as smut.

Back in the seventies romance novels featured a lot of virginal heroines and big strong men who came to their rescue. As women’s roles in society changed and expanded, so did romance novels. Today you won’t find many heaving alabaster breasts. The romance novels on the shelf are full of smart, savvy women who figure out what they want in life and go for it, whether that be careers, family, or the hunky guy in the next office. And the romance heroine these days is just as apt to “save” the hero as the other way around. In one sense, romance novels are the ultimate feminist literature.

Despite the taunting from incredulous friends who remain shocked that my sweet little mother, who I graciously made a grandmother a few years ago, writes romance novels, the truth is I am unbelievably proud of her. She has taught me more about love and passion than I will ever be able to experience. I love walking into a bookstore and seeing my mom’s books on the shelf. I always pull them to the front so they are more apt to catch your eye and end up on your own fireproof shelf. So even if you think they are smutty, even if you think they are trash; pick up a romance novel and lose yourself in a good story. You might learn more than you ever expected. And the next time someone tells me I am just like my mother I won’t roll my eyes and groan; I’ll just give them a high five instead.

Editor’s Note: Learn more about Caroline’s mom’s latest novel on Amazon.

I had the pleasure of interviewing a man who has been called one of the nation’s leading sex experts. Michael Castleman has written several books, and many articles for magazines such as Reader’s Digest, Self, Playboy, Family Circle, Parenting, Health, Child, Mademoiselle, Glamour, American Health, Psychology Today, Men’s Health, and so many more. He is a wonderful, kind man and highly respected in the health community.

SG: You have been called one of the nation’s leading sex experts, written 10 books, and published over 1000 articles in the last 30 years. What sparked your interest to get started on this path?

MC: It was an accident. In 1973, I was volunteering at a free clinic in Ann Arbor, MI, that did a great deal of birth control counseling, pregnancy testing, and STD treatment. I began writing about those subjects for the local alternative weekly. As Valentine’s Day approached, David Fenton, then the editor and publisher of the Ann Arbor Sun, asked me to write a cover story called How to Make Love. I refused. I was 23. What did I know? But he would not take no for an answer. He knew my girlfriend (now wife), Anne. She leaned on me to write the article. Masters and Johnson’s two books (Human Sexual Behavior and Human Sexual Inadequacy) had just come out in paperback. I read them and became fascinated. I read several other sex books. I wrote the article. I’ve been writing about sexuality ever since.

SG: One of the most asked questions I have been getting recently is on the topic of introducing a toy into a relationship. I have spoken to many women who want to start using toys in the bedroom, but are afraid to introduce it because they have never used one as a couple before. What advice would you give to these women?

MC: I think the best way is to begin by incorporating a lubricant into lovemaking. Lubes are not as threatening to men as vibrators, and they immediately enhance sex. Most men are happy to add lubes to lovemaking. After the man has embraced lubes, then I’d suggest some massage items: lotion, a glove, etc. The woman can say she feels sexier and more turned on when she’s massaged all over, not just on her breasts and between her legs. She can also say that whole-body massage also turns on many men. Once the man accepts some massage, then she can introduce a small, bullet vibrator, which can be used all over, and of course on her vulva. Then finally, larger toys.

SG: How do you help calm a man’s concern with the toy being bigger than his penis and thus trying to “replace him?”

MC: If the man is very insecure about his penis size, I would suggest that the woman pick up a copy of my book, Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secrets of Total-Body Sensuality. It contains a section on size, how to make the most of what a man’s got—safely, naturally, and at low cost. As for the replacement issue, I like to tell men: The best carpenters use power tools. Power tools don’t diminish the carpenter or his skills. They just get the job done faster. The same is true for vibrators. All a vibrator does is vibrate. It can’t kiss a woman, hold her, hug her, caress her, make her laugh, listen to her problems, or anything else that a lover does. It doesn’t replace men any more than a man masturbating replaces women.

SG: What is the best way to try and “teach” a husband who isn’t skilled with toys how to use them in bed?

MC: The woman should make a sex date with the man, and say: Tonight, we are going to have amazing sex. But before we do, I have a little surprise for you, and I want you to give it 15 minutes. After that, I’m all yours. During the 15 minutes, she pulls out one or two toys and they play. Then she puts them aside for their sex. After, she should thank him for playing with the toys, and tell him that for her, sex is much more fun with toys. Subsequently, she can extend the toy play time. If the man makes any move toward accepting toys, she should tell him how much that turns her on. Most men want turned on women and are happy to go with moves that turn them on, including toys.

SG: I have heard complaints from a few women who say that they cannot orgasm vaginally during sex, and only can with the use of a toy. What would you tell them?

MC: That they are totally normal. Many studies show that only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse, and only about half of women ever come that way. [See The Case of the Female Orgasm, by Elizabeth Lloyd, Harvard U Press] The fact is, intercourse just doesn’t provide enough direct clitoral stimulation for most women to have orgasms. How many men would come if they only had their scrotums caressed. Not many because the most sexually sensitive part of a man’s genitals is the head of the penis. For women, it’s the clitoris, and the majority of women need direct stimulation with a finger, hand, tongue, or vibrator. My book, Great Sex, has a lot on this.

SG: Can you use a toy too much, and will it decrease your sensitivity or desire for just sex and possibly cause harm to a marriage?

MC: It’s possible for a woman to become so enthralled with sex toys that her marriage suffers, just as it’s possible for men to become fixated on Internet porn to the detriment of the relationship. But these problems don’t occur all that often. Most people have a decent sense of proportion and are committed to their marriages. Toys are enhancements, not replacements for a lover.

As to the sensitivity issue, if a woman presses a powerful vibrator into her clitoris for a long time (hours), she might experience some temporary genital numbness. But during typical masturbation or lovemaking, toys, even powerful vibrators, don’t decrease sensitivity. In fact, vibrators often INCREASE women’s sexual responsiveness. Sexual responsiveness has a great deal to do with self-knowledge and deep relaxation. Vibrators teach women about their sexuality and help them feel more comfortable with it, more relaxed. As they become more comfortable with the full range of their own sexuality, they become more relaxed—and more responsive, whether or not they use a vibrator in partner sex.

SG: What is your opinion on couple’s toys such as vibrating penis rings?

MC: If the couple has fun with them, then they’re an enhancement. If the couple doesn’t have fun with them, then such toys are not for them. I’d say: If you think you might enjoy them, try them. They decide if you want to keep using them.

SG: What is the one piece of advice you would give to couples struggling in their sexual lives?

MC: I would give my sympathy. Sex is the cause of a lot of couple grief. However, most sex problems can be fixed, or at least minimized to the point where they are not longer festering sores. I’d urge couples to start with my book, Great Sex. If that doesn’t provide sufficient relief, then I’d urge them to consult a sex therapist, professionals who specialize in couple sexual issues. You don’t have sex with a sex therapist. And the therapist doesn’t watch you have sex. Sex therapy is talk psychotherapy with a sexual focus and some “homework.” Studies show that 4-6 months of weekly therapy resolves about two-thirds of couple sex problems. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) at www.aasect.org. Click the map of the U.S. and Canada, and get a list of all the AASECT-certified sex therapists in your state or province.

SG: What is your opinion on Passion Parties and companies like it?

MC: I love Passion Parties. Passion Parties is all about strengthening couple’s marriages by enhancing their intimate time together. Who could object to that? It’s the Lord’s work and I’m all for it. That’s why I’m a professional consultant for the company.

I would like to thank Mr. Castleman for taking the time to do this interview with me. I look forward to speaking with him more in the future. For more information on how to contact him or to order one of his books, please e-mail me at Shiloh@intimatepassions.net.

Some of the biggest questions I have received recently are on loss of libido after pregnancy. Most women have a huge drop in their readiness and desire to have sex after pregnancy for many reasons. Some of the main ones are:

• Stress
• Exhaustion
• Fear of getting pregnant again
• Massive hormone imbalance
• Loss of self-confidence in body image

After a pregnancy, our entire bodies change more rapidly and dramatically than during puberty, and suddenly our whole world is different. My friend, Michele, asked this question, and I am sure most of us can identify with it. “I used to like sex and then now I can’t stand it. I hate the way I look naked and I have no sexual drive anymore.” Almost all women feel this way after having a baby and most of us have “baby baggage” that just hasn’t gone away yet. Most women feel like they are doing something wrong by not losing the weight, especially those who know one of the lucky women who lost the weight quickly after her pregnancy. Also, there are always pictures in magazines and on television showing women that lost weight dramatically and quickly. What people don’t think about is that most of these women pay people to stay with their children so they can spend several hours in a gym with a personal trainer. It is unlikely for the rest of us to be able to do the same. The best way to help lose the weight after pregnancy is diet and exercise, and you should talk that over with your doctor to help decide what will work best for you. What about the sexual aspect though?

I talk with women from all walks of life every day and all of them have something that they don’t like about their body. They don’t know what to do to help them feel sexy and want to be intimate with their partner. Here are a few ways that may help you:

• First of all relax and remember that your partner doesn’t love you just because of the way you look. What is important to him is the person that you are.
• Tell your partner how you feel. Communication helps build intimacy and trust.
• Do something to take your mind off of what you don’t like about your body and focus on something you do like.
• Work with what you got. If you have large hips and breasts, own it! Choose clothing or lingerie that hide the parts you don’t like and show off the parts you do. Slowly you will find yourself liking what you see in the mirror.
• If you don’t want to have sex with the lights on, it’s ok you don’t have to. Try candles, they are relaxing and not as bright so you don’t feel as though you are on display.
• Do what makes you feel sexy — a warm shower or bath, lingerie, or try something with pheromones that makes your partner fall all over you.
• There are great products on the market that help get you in the mood. My favorite, and the best in my opinion, is called Pure Satisfaction. It comes in pill and gel form, and it is used to enhance libido and provide a healthier and more active sex life. It is also safe and encouraged for both men and women.

If you would like more information about anything that I have mentioned, or you have any questions, please feel free to e-mail me at Shiloh@intimatepassions.net and check out my website at www.intimatepassions.net.

Do you ever miss the days where it was easy to just take off for a night and be spontaneous? Go to the movies, the beach, a nice dinner, and not have to plan ahead? As parents, our lives have to be planned out to the minute sometimes. When we want a night alone with our partner, it isn’t as easy as getting in the car and just finding something random. Now, in our new lives, we have to make reservations in advance, and schedule a babysitter to be there just in time so we can rush to make it to dinner. If you think about the $20 a plate for a nice restaurant, plus the $25 babysitting fees for you even to be able to get out together, it becomes sometimes impractical and expensive. So scrap your usual plans of dinner and a movie and spend a night at home together for a romantic night in.

Here are a few tips and ideas for your romantic night at home with your partner:

• First of all, make sure that you won’t be interrupted. Talk to some other parents that you are friends with and plan a sleepover so each of you can have a night alone with your partner. If your kids are a little older, leave them a note saying something like “Parents date night, do not interrupt after 9 pm.”
• Bubble bath for two- A wonderful way to start out your evening and leave you both relaxed and completely touchable.
• Shave each other in the shower- A lot of couples find this very sensuous.
• Candles, a fire in the fireplace, and soft music- This is so relaxing, and it adds that extra touch of detail that makes your romantic night extra special.
• Ask your partner to dance.
• Cook dinner together, and if you are looking to get away from the usual, get an aphrodisiac cookbook to heighten sensuality
• Cold outside? Have a picnic together in front of the fireplace.
• Save dessert for the bedroom, and feed each other in bed.
• Each of you buy something for the other to wear that night, whether it be lingerie, silk pajamas, or a costume!
• Scratchers, coupon books, or other sensual games for the bedroom are available in all types these days. This is fun for couples that want to try something new and adventurous.
• Sit down and have a conversation- Even after several years of marriage, you would be surprised how much you can still learn about your partner.
• Powder on the sheets- Something extra special to make you feel like you are laying on silk.
• Massage each other- This is so much easier these days with lotions, oils, and even DVDs to teach you sensual massage as you go along. For something really special, get a candle that melts into warm massage oil.
• Edibles- They come in all flavors and forms now days, powders, oils, lotions, puddings, and more. Find one that you and your partner like, put it on special places on your body and have them lick it off!
• Feeling adventurous? Try something new like a blindfold, handcuffs or even a striptease!
• Venture out of the bedroom- Do you ever miss the freedom to have sex anywhere that you want? Well, if the kids aren’t around, try it again. Go into the living room or kitchen, try something new and spice it up!
• Make out- Yes, I said make out. We all did it a lot when we were teenagers. You would be surprised how just kissing can increase intimacy and put you in the mood.

Most of these products and even more ideas are available on my website at www.intimatepassions.net. If you have any questions about what might work for you and your partner, e-mail me at Shiloh@intimatepassions.net.

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The house is a mess, the kids are screaming, dinner is burning, and the phone is ringing. We have all had days like this and it is frazzling to the mind and the emotions. After we get married, it seems like life is just one big honeymoon. We are finally with that one person that makes us feel whole, and alive. A little while down the road we find out that the family will be complete with a child. Nine months later, our world is filled with late night feedings, a crying baby, dirty diapers, stress, and lack of sleep. Soon things change and she lifts her head and rolls over, not long after she is walking and talking. We get all excited and happy when she uses the “potty” for the first time. A few years later it is school and soccer games. In all this focusing on being a parent, where is the focus on a time for being a couple?

A recent survey tells us that 50% of women are unhappy with their sex lives. I asked five of my friends, who are also parents, if they are happy with the level of intimacy in their marriage, and all five of them said it could be better. We have come to know that love, intimacy and a strong friendship are the basis of a good marriage. When we become parents, we tend to put the intimacy on the back burner and focus on the children. As a military wife and mother to a one year old little boy, I am a strong advocate for women to remember that they are more than just a parent, they are part of a couple. The couple whose love and passion started the experience of becoming a parent in the first place. The stress of life and being a parent can take a serious toll on the personal relationship of a couple. Nora Ephron, a renowned novelist and screenwriter once wrote, “When you have a baby, you set off an explosion in your marriage, and when the dust settles, your marriage is different from what it was.”

Parents lead extremely hectic lifestyles, between work and kids we rarely have time for each other any more. Parents get home from work, have dinner, do a little laundry, and by the time the kids are in bed and the kitchen is cleaned up it is nearly ten o’clock. Because of the way that women’s bodies react to stress, we aren’t comfortable in the bedroom when we are stressed and tired. For a woman to be completely comfortable and ready for sex, she has to feel sexy, relaxed, and desired. What many women don’t know is that there are ways to bring you from the stress of your day to the sensuality of your night with the use of some simple RomantaTherapy products including bath salts, massage lotions and candles to get you in the mood.

Another contributing factor is the fear of communicating anything even remotely taboo to your partner in the hopes that one day it will all just “work itself out.” Some women are afraid to suggest the use of toys because their husbands may think that they are being replaced. Studies actually show that the use of toys and other accessories such as edibles and lubricants can actually strengthen a marriage and the communication between the couple. Many people are interested in trying new things, but don’t know where to go or what to get. Many of them have found that answer through companies like Passion Parties.

Passion Parties is North America’s “premier and largest party plan company selling sensual products and romance accessories.” Passion Parties products include: edibles, sensual touch, lingerie and passion toys. Every month over 10,000 Passion Parties are held in the safety and comfort of peoples homes. There are now over 28,000 consultants of all ages and all walks of life that have taken advantage of the opportunity to help change women’s lives forever. They have inspired women over 18 everywhere to take charge and find ways to encourage love and romance back into their marriages.

If you would like some more information on the products, hosting a party, or becoming a consultant yourself, contact Shiloh at www.intimatepassions.net. Have a Passionate Day!

Do you have a question for Shiloh? Send it to her at info@cleverparents.com and she’ll reply in her new Clever Parents column, Sex After Parenthood.

See CleverParents-tv Vidcast #4 introducing the Sex After Parenthood column.