Q. My 3-1/2 year-old has started waking every night around the same time, and screaming. I think he’s in the middle of a nightmare. He’s really frightened, and I don’t really know what to do. Not much seems to help—often, I’ll bring him in bed with me, but that doesn’t change the situation long-range. He keeps waking up really scared. Is there any way to help him get through this?

All of us experienced nightmares at some point in our childhood. Usually, nightmares are an occasional thing. Your son probably is experiencing what they call “night terrors,” which go on night after night for a period of time, and usually entail a recurrent dream, or at least, recurrent feelings of fear.

Here’s my picture of what happens to cause nightmares, and night terrors. Your child has an acutely sensitive internal monitoring system that signals strong emotional and physical alarm at the slightest hint of danger, injury, or threat. And because little children don’t understand yet how the world works, their minds register many situations as threatening. Their emotional alarms can go off daily. For instance, a baby might feel afraid while sitting facing the rear in her car seat, because she can’t see anyone there. More challenging situations—going through a struggle at birth, facing a long separation from a parent, or having a scary accident—register deeper fears.

When an experience has caused fear, a child will either go very quiet and lock down his emotional system until it seems safe again, or will scream and cry with all his might. That screaming and crying serves an important purpose! If an adult can come close, hold the child, and let him know that he’s safe now, the child will cry and thrash and keep expressing fear until the fear has been fully expressed. At that point, a child’s system is able too understand that the threat is over. He doesn’t remain afraid.

Many times, at least some of that feeling of fear stays stuck in the child’s emotional memory. The feeling lasts because at the moment the child is frightened, there isn’t the time or the support for the child to really finish expressing how frightened he became. Parents who want to help him will try to hush his expression of fear, because we’ve all been taught that the parent is supposed to hush crying and talk (or threaten) a child out of expressing his feelings. So the feelings of fear that the child didn’t finish expressing are stashed, uncomfortably, in memory.

These emotional memories don’t just sit there. They cause trouble. A child’s stored moments of fear can be kicked into play by little everyday things. A child can become afraid of having his teeth brushed, afraid to wash his hair, or afraid to go into a room by himself, as a way of signaling that he still carries fear within him.

When children are awake, they can stay one step ahead of the feelings of fear they still harbor by being active. Children who harbor big fears tend to be very active—constant activity distracts their minds from the feelings that linger under the surface. But things like the start of school, a parent taking a business trip, a thunder storm, or a tense time in the family can easily trip the stored feelings of fear. The child distracts himself during the day, but in sleep, there’s no escaping the fact that feelings are rankling inside. The mind portrays the fear in the form of a nightmare. It weaves a story or an image with the feelings that were embedded some time ago.

When a child wakes crying and screaming, he’s doing exactly what he needs to do to offload his stored feelings. Crying, trembling, perspiring, and thrashing wildly are the way children dispel the power that fear exerts in their minds. They need to scream. They need to thrash. They need to show you how desperate and terrified they feel. And they need a parent to be close to them, to hold them, and to keep them safe while they get rid of those awful fears.

Your job, as parent, is to hold the child and be his emotional anchor. Make sure a bit of light is in the room so he can see you if and when he opens his eyes. Put your arms around him, pull him onto your lap, or sit very close and keep him right with you. Let him move. Try to tune in to the deep feeling he is expressing, but don’t panic yourself. He needs you to know that he’s in the middle of an emotional bad dream, and to love him and trust that the bad dream will pass. Pour your love and your confidence that all is well into him.

Here are the kinds of things you can say while he’s wild with upset:

“I’m right here, and I’ll keep you safe.”

“Nothing is going to happen to you. I have you in my arms. You are OK.”

“Whatever frightened you is over. It’s never going to happen again.”

“I’ll stay with you until you can tell you’re safe.”

“I am protecting you. I’m watching over you every minute.”

“If you look into my eyes, you will see that I am right here. If you can, take a look.”

Be patient. Working through a big chunk of fear takes time. The kinder and more confident you are, the harder he will cry and thrash, but then, eventually, he’ll feel OK. The bad dream will lift. He’ll be glad to go back to sleep again. And he’ll wake up bright and cheerful in the morning.

Night terrors happen when the fear a child is trying to offload is not a small one. So the child’s mind cooks up a frightening image night after night to set up a chance to work through and be finally rid of the fear that sits so uncomfortably in his memory. Children who have spent time in neonatal intensive care, who have had accidents, or who have been through other overwhelming experiences often have night terrors. Their instinct is to heal fully from frightening experiences, and night terrors help a child to do this difficult but liberating emotional work.

You have great power to assist your child’s emergence from old fearful experiences if you stay, listen, and guide their emotional release process. We call this kind of help Staylistening. If it’s difficult for you to do, because your child seems so distraught, then it’s smart to find a listening partner. Our booklet, Listening Partnerships for Parents, outlines how you can arrange an exchange of listening time with a friend or another interested parent. We parents are, understandably, saddened and sometimes frightened by our children’s raw moments. We love them so much, and, by and large, we haven’t ever taken on the job of helping someone while they face their worst fears. It’s difficult. But a listening partnership can give a parent the emotional wherewithal to help a child heal fully from the fearful experiences he’s had.

Here’s how it can work:

My son had an accident that split his hand open when he was just a year old. We rushed him to the emergency room. My husband and I were frightened and shocked, and I’m sure seeing us so stricken added to his fear in the situation. In the emergency room, they drugged him, strapped him to a board, and stitched him up. I was with him every moment, but the whole experience was not what you would wish for a twelve-month-old child! He cried a few times in the next few days, but he didn’t have a huge emotional reaction to the incident at the time.

When he was three years old, he began to have night terrors. For several months, he would wake screaming and fearful every single night at about 10:30 pm. I figured that he was probably finally tackling the fear from his accident, but there was no way to know for sure why he kept working so hard on fear. He couldn’t really tell me anything while he was screaming, fighting, sweating and trembling. And when he would finish, the fear banished for the night, he would just cuddle a bit and go back to sleep. One night, he screamed so loudly that the neighbors over the back fence knocked on our door to make sure everyone was OK.

Every night, I reassured him, held him, and told him that whatever had scared him was over and it would never happen again. He would thrash and scream. It was as if he couldn’t hear or process any of the reassurance I was offering, but I knew that it was important to be his anchor, to supply a steady counterweight to his fears with my confidence that he was OK. He was fine in the mornings—the emotional episodes didn’t seem to leave any residue to taint the next day.

During this time, he had the same wildly fearful response to any tiny physical injury—any scuff on his knee, or bump on his head. When I could, I did the same, holding him and offering him a safe, close place and time to process his emotional memories of that earlier accident.

He had his terrors every night, like clockwork, until his mind finally was rid of the fear, and didn’t send up any more bad dreams. And throughout this period, a deep seriousness and watchfulness that seemed to be his personality gave way to more laughter, more sparkle, and more appetite for adventure and humor. He began to play with more abandon, and to seek out more daring adventures. Being held and reassured through his night terrors was lifting the heavy weight of caution, and allowing him to see the world as a safer place.

Hand in Hand is a parent education non-profit that has been helping families to build the super-protective factor of parent-child connectedness for twenty years.  You can learn more by reading the Listening to Children booklet series by Patty Wipfler or by signing up for our free monthly newsletter, Connecting! . Or follow us on Twitter at http://twitter.com/ListenToKids .

Many of the recommendations that I and other indoor air quality professionals make can be very expensive – like installing hardwood or tile floors, or replacing a hot-air heating systems with baseboard or radiator heat. But there are a number of things you can do that won’t cost a fortune and that can help keep the air in your home clean and allergen and irritant free. Below are 15 examples.

1. Remove your shoes when entering the house, and ask that other family members and guests do the same. This will help keep soil out – and some of that soil can even contain lead dust, if you and neighbors live in homes more than 30 years old and that have been scraped and painted.
2. If you have plants indoors, put a waterproof dish under each pot. If the room is carpeted, be careful not to spill water on the carpet, because this may lead to mold growth.
3. Not to be indelicate, but remember to close the toilet before flushing to minimize bioaerosol (airborne particles that come from living things, such as bacteria and even the H1N1 virus).
4. Don’t burn jar candles, which can produce a lot of soot. Soot particles are unhealthy to breathe in and of themselves; in addition, they can act as surrogate (substitute) allergens if they’ve been in contact with mold or pet dander, and then become re-aerosolized.
5. Use a vacuum with a HEPA (high efficiency particulate arrestance) filter, because conventional vacuums spew out allergens and irritants in their exhaust. If you hire cleaning help, be sure they use your vacuum, and not their own. If you have a central vacuum system, be sure the system exhausts to the exterior and not into your garage or basement.
6. Avoid using laundry detergent that contains enzymes, because these chemicals can exacerbate asthma symptoms.
7. To help control mold growth, dehumidify your basement in the humid season. Keep the relative humidity at or under 50%. And if you have a finished basement, keep it consistently warm (thermostat set at a minimum of 60ºF), whether you are using the space or not.
8. Only use a dehumidifier that condenses water and not one that only exhausts air. Don’t run the dehumidifier in the winter.
9. If you have a garage that is attached in any way to your house, don’t leave the car running in the garage, or combustion products can flow up into habitable spaces.
10. Be sure you have an exhaust fan over your stove, and that the fan vents to the exterior. This will help reduce moisture, cooking odors and combustion products in the house.
11. After showering, leave the bathroom door open, and operate a table or tower oscillating fan in the room (plugged into a GFI outlet, please) for an hour, to speed drying of surfaces and help prevent mildew growth.
12. Dogs and cats are living dust mops. If you have a dog or cat, don’t let the pet sleep in the bedroom of someone with allergies or asthma – like your son or daughter – and keep your pet out of the basement if it smells musty.
13. If anyone in your family is allergic to dust mites, be sure every mattress, box spring and bed pillow in the house has a dust-mite cover. Use the covers with polyurethane liners. You can save money by buying the all-plastic encasings for the box springs and mattresses; just put an extra-thick, cotton mattress pad on top, so the sleeper won’t feel the plastic. Never take a dust-mite cover off a mattress unless the mattress was new to begin with, because then dust-mite allergens will escape into the room.
14. If you have baseboard or radiator heat, vacuum the baseboard convectors or the surfaces of the radiators before the heat turns on each year, to get rid of irritating, allergenic dust. Use a 36-inch vacuum crevice tool (Google 36 inch vacuum crevice tool) to get to hard-to-reach places.
15. Clean your portable air conditioner before you use it for the first time every year, and add filter material (at least MERV 7) to the intake grill, to help keep the cooling coil clean. If you have central air conditioning and/or hot air heat, use a MERV-8 pleated media filter in the air handler. Be sure the filter holder is air tight (you can cover it with duct tape if it’s open), and change the filter as frequently as is needed.

If your son or daughter has allergies or asthma, there may be conditions inside the school building that could cause your child to experience health symptoms. What are some of these conditions, and what you can you as a parent do about it?

Carpeting. Many modern school buildings have wall-to-wall carpeting, which is often cleaned in the summer, when weather is most humid. If the carpeting remained damp for more than 48 hours, it may well contain mold growth, subsisting on captured dust. If your child’s classroom smells musty, the carpet may be the culprit. Ask the school to have the carpet dust tested for mold (or contact DACI lab at Johns Hopkins University and find out how to take a sample yourself).

If mold has grown in a carpet, the contamination cannot be removed completely by traditional steam cleaning. Treatment with steam vapor may help, but in the end, the carpet may have to be replaced. Meanwhile, the carpet can be covered with an adhesive-backed plastic like Pro-Tect.

Pets. Sometimes a teacher will have a pet rabbit or some other animal in the classroom, or even a fish tank. If your child is allergic to the animal, ask that the pet be moved to another room. And believe it or not, fish tank covers can be home to dust mites, thriving on the protein in the fish flakes spilled on the rim or stuck to the cover, and basking in all that warmth and moisture. Then mite allergens can become aerosolized when the cover is opened. If your child is allergic to dust mites, ask the teacher to keep the rim and cover of the tank clean.

Books. Times are lean, so I don’t blame teachers who collect children’s books at yard and library sales. Such books, however, can be covered with mold growth, especially if they’ve been stored below-grade (below ground level). If any books in the classroom smell musty or have visible mold spots (particularly on the spines), ask that they be removed from the room.

The front door. Children should not enter a school building directly onto permanently installed carpeting, because then moisture from their shoes can fuel mold growth. Ask the school to put a replaceable mat on top of the carpet in front of entrance and exit doors.

Below-grade spaces: Many modern school buildings have classrooms, the library, or even the gym partially or fully below-grade. If not adequately dehumidified in summer, such spaces often become contaminated with mold. Ask your child to try to keep track of any symptoms he or she experiences. If the symptoms worsen in below-grade spaces, your child may have to be excused from gym or library time until the spaces are cleaned.

Resources:

· The EPA’s “Tools for Schools” offers an overall indoor air quality plan for schools (800-438-4318; www.epa.gov/iaq).
· Check the EPA site for “Mold Remediation in Schools and Commercial Buildings (www.epa.gov/mold/mold_remediation.html).

Your child spends a lot of time in the school building. Don’t be complacent if you think there are conditions there that are threatening your child’s health.

Have you ever noticed that runners have strong defined thighs, cyclist have firm, toned calves, swimmers have strong v-backs, and gymnasts are compact and strong all over? It shows that your body can be shaped by the exercises you do. For example, for many years I was a competitive gymnast. Because gymnastics entails lifting your body weight, I was small and buff all over. After college I was into weight lifting and put on a bunch of muscle mass, especially in my shoulders and upper back. In graduate school I got really into yoga and started teaching it. My body transformed-my muscles became lean and long! I’ve found the perfect combo of exercises that give a defined, lean, long look and I’ll share a little with you.

*Kickboxing: Great for toning the thighs, buttocks, and waist. Kicking in various sequences also boosts the heart rate for an ultimate fat burner. Time 30-40 min. 3X per week.

*Light Weights: 2-3 lb. weights are all you need to have a defined look. Work the shoulders, back, chest, and arms for 1-2 min. each body part. 2-3 sets 3X per week.

*Interval Training: Mix it up-keep your muscles working and your heart rate going and lose a lot of body fat! Do a 5-10 min. interval of kickboxing followed by a 1-2 min. interval of light weights. Repeat the sequence for 35-45 min. 3 X per week.

*Yoga: Great for lean, long muscles + mental clarity and relaxation. Yoga is excellent alone and or a great stretch for the end of your workouts. I recommend 20-60 min. 3-5 X per week.

Still not sure what to do? Check out my postnatal workouts! “Stroller Workout for Moms” is a 60 min. workout you can do inside or out combining intervals of kickboxing and the use of your own body weight, plus a 10 min. toning portion for your thighs and abs, and a yoga stretch. Also “Total Body Toning” is a 30 min. power packed workout combining kickboxing, squats, upper body toning, plus pilates moves and a yoga stretch.

I recently spoke to Professional Organizer Lea Schneider author of “Growing Up Organized: A Mom-to-Mom Guide.” Following is our conversation:

Betsy: In regards to children, what are the benefits of becoming organized in the home, and what negative effects have you witnessed as a result of disorganization?

Lea: Being organized is a stress-reducer. Our stress from daily events, like not being able to get everyone out the door on time, to losing the homework handout in counter top clutter, to trying to locate the missing cell phone or get dinner on the table when no one has made it to the store, creates one cranky parent. When the house is disorganized and parents are cranky and exhausted as a result, I imagine it is harder for any child to be sweet, compliant and happy. Being organized can help home life run smoother.

Betsy: Do you think it is easier or harder to keep things organized as a mom of young children now or twenty years ago?

Lea: One excuse for disorganization is the lack of time. Today, a mom of young children finds her time more consumed by technology. Working from home, checking emails, grabbing the cell phone or even just meeting up with friends on a social networking site takes some of the time that could be used to stay organized.

Betsy: What organizing problems are unique to this generation?

Lea: I’m not sure what generation you are referring to but in general our society has seen changes from mobility. We move for jobs. We hope to retire and move where it pleases us. We get a divorce and start over. We buy “starter homes” and dream of moving to a bigger one…someday.

With each move, we often acquire more things, furniture, accessories and bigger closets to hold our increasing wardrobes. As we get more things, so do the children. They have so many more toys, clothes, books and gadgets than previous generations dreamed of having. The more things you have, the more time you spend trying to organize those things and the more time spent wondering why you can’t get it all done.

Betsy: In your book, “Growing Up Organized: A Mom-to-Mom Guide,” I loved your chapter on how to attack the kids bedrooms. My daughter is ten years old and I find I still have to nag her to keep her room clean and organized. Do you think there is ever an age when we as moms should just allow the kids to live in filth in their own space if that is what they want?

Lea: You can be clean and disorganized. You can be dirty and disorganized. You can be dirty and organized. The two words mean different things.

Let me start by saying that it is not okay by me for my kid to live in a pigpen and for me to clean it up. Period.

Being organized is a measure of responsibility while clean means clean. Clean means the room is dusted, vacuumed, the trash is taken out, the sheets are changed and you won’t find a week’s worth of snack dishes under the bed.

I think that beyond the age of ten, a child who is organized with their schoolwork, chores and other activities, is capable of making their own decision about how organized or messy they wish their room to be. (You can make a shut-the-door rule.)

But along with that right, comes responsibility. I don’t think that they have the right to decide how clean they want their room to be. Set a standard for what cleaning chores you expect done and how often she is to do them. As long as she meets those standards, the room is hers. But, it is hers to not only keep messy but it is hers to vacuum, change the sheets and the other chores that you expect done. When a kid is old enough to start stomping their foot and saying “But it is my room” then they get the chores with the privilege.

Betsy: Do you find it better to purge through toys with or without the help of your children?

Lea: You should sort toys with your child but in an age appropriate and attention-span appropriate way. For example, a four-year-old is probably not ready to tackle a room full of toys by themselves. It would be beyond their skill to know where to start and beyond their attention span to stick with the task. However, a four-year-old might help you sort one mixed tub of toys into types – doll clothes, building blocks, crayons and so forth. Having them help you with portions of the toys and in small intervals is how you teach them. As they are older, they can do more.

Cleaning up and sorting toys with your child teaches them organizing skills. It teaches them time management, respect for property and personal responsibility for space and belongings. It teaches them compassion for others when they choose toys and books to give to charity. Do it with them. Don’t do it for them.

Betsy: What is the most common question asked to you by moms, and what is your advice for that question?

Lea: It’s the one you asked. What should I do about my child’s disorganized messy bedroom?

Children, and even teens, are not capable of doing a giant room overhaul alone. They have no experience in sorting into keep, donate, and trash. It’s very difficult for them to decide if they will need something again, if the clothes still fit properly or if it is okay with you to throw something out. You need to teach them the critical thinking skills involved in organizing. They will learn by doing it with you, not you doing it for them, unless they are a very young child. You’ll always need to be seasonally involved in a hands-on work session with your child. The daily or weekly clean-up should be their job, given out in age appropriate assignments.

Betsy: What are some of your general guidelines for setting chores around the house?

Lea: Someone needs to do them or the alternative is to move out and start over! Children learn how to be organized, how to practice time management, household skills and respect for their parent’s time and property by doing chores.

Guidelines:

· Choose age appropriate tasks.

· Be consistent. Don’t ask for two chores this week and 25 next week.

· Have variety. Mix it up. If you assign your child one chore, like emptying the dishwasher daily, you’ve only taught them one skill.

· Parents need to participate too. When everyone in the house heads off to do a few chores, it is pretty hard to complain how unfair it is!

Betsy: Although I am an organizer, I have to take the time to purge and organize my own space. I especially dislike dealing with my husband’s clutter (tools, clothing, etc) because I have limited control over the situation. What spaces do you dread organizing in your life?

Lea: When the photo shop clerk says “Double prints are free,” I cringe. I certainly don’t want two of them. I don’t want to deal with one. I dislike organizing photos. I love to have photos but I am not the least interested in making scrapbooks or photo albums.

Betsy: Despite my last statement about my husband’s clutter, he really is generally very neat and tidy. What do you suggest if the Dad in the household has a major clutter/hoarding issue?

Lea: Hoarding is a serious issue and is actually a medical diagnosis. If a family member is a hoarder, their amount of clutter can impact a family’s health, both physical and mental, as well as their safety in the home. If you have a family member with a hoarding issue, begin your search for help with your family physician.

Betsy: Have you always been organized?

Lea: Yes. As a small tyke, I drove my mother nuts by always putting away her shoes. She might take them off by the door and when she returned to slip them on they would be gone. (I probably drove her nuts in other ways but that’s material for another article!)

Betsy: Why did you decide to become an organizer?

Lea: A friend, tired of the waste, asked me to help her organize her leftovers in the fridge. Seriously. Another friend wanted attic help. My mother-in-law wanted help with closets. My sister wanted me to help my grown niece with her wardrobe. My parents wanted help downsizing my aunt. When people start wanting to buy you plane tickets in order to make use of your skills, it’s a good time to think about it as a career change. Best part of this job is when I get paid, I also get hugged!

Betsy: Your book is light-spirited, jam packed full of useful information, and very easy to relate to. Who do you think will most benefit from reading your book?

Lea: Thanks! If you are a mom, and you fall into bed every night and think “Maybe I’ll catch up tomorrow,” then this book is for you.|

Professional Organizer Lea Schneider, the author of Growing-Up Organized: A Mom-to-Mom Guide. (Amazon.com $14) Her organizing advice has appeared in Woman’s Day, Natural Health, Better Homes and Gardens Kid’s Rooms magazines, and in numerous websites and newspapers around the country, from The Columbian in Washington State to the Pensacola News Journal in Florida. In 2008, she was the Grand Prize Winner of the Rolodex Office Makeover Challenge. Her company, Organize Right Now, provides organizing assistance online using a team of expert professionals. For more information, visit www.organizerightnow.com.

Q. My daughter insists she wants to play with the two girls who live next door but she comes home every time highly emotional and upset. I watch them without her around and the older one is extremely mean to the younger one. I am not sure how to avoid this situation, or what to say to my daughter. I don’t understand why she wants to play with kids who are clearly mean and not willing to play reciprocally. She has reported that other kids at school don’t want to play with her. I think she might be bullying at school, having learned this behavior from the neighborhood kids.

A. Bullying is a highly contagious behavior that transmits immediately from child to child, like the flu. The behavior can start with an adult bullying, threatening, demeaning, or harshly excluding a child. Some parents do this as a matter of course: it is accepted in many families as rightful discipline. But disrespect and intimidation set a behavior example that children absorb in full. When a child has been treated badly, or has witnessed harshness, the behavior enters the child’s experience, but her mind can’t process it. Children simply do not understand meanness or harshness. It always hurts, even when they are not the direct target.

The words said, the facial expressions a child sees, the body language of the aggressor are all recorded in a child’s mind, much like a movie. And whatever feelings the child has—fear, helplessness, shame, confusion, perhaps anger—are stored in the child’s emotional memory, mixed in with this indigestible incident.

Children’s minds don’t naturally accept these wads of unloving experience. The way children try to get help with unloving experience is to display it openly—that is, to say the kind of thing that was said to them, to exclude another child the way they were excluded, to call someone a name they heard called on the playground. They do this when they feel upset, tight with fear, or far from the feel of love.

Being far from the feel of love is an emotional emergency for a child. The lack of a warm connection means that the child can’t be generous toward others, can’t be flexible, and must have things her way and her way only. Children display the worst of what they’ve seen in relationships when it’s been too long since their last cuddle, their last relaxed chuckle. Children need to see the love light in their parents’ eyes, and need to hear interest and consideration in the voices of their teachers, to function well.

The most vital thing you do as a parent is to connect. Children need their parents to take the time to make warm eye contact, to cuddle, to wrestle, to play, to hang out, to be available, and to offer limits when their children’s behavior turns sour. And children need their parents to listen to their feelings when they’re having a sad or a frustrating time of it. But parents are overburdened with work and the pressures that parenting create. So even when they do know something about the importance of connecting with their children, and allowing for emotional moments, they can have a hard time doing it.

When your daughter comes home from playing with the neighbors, she probably has witnessed what we call “off-track behavior.” It has upset her, and she’s signaling to you, with her own version of off-track behavior, that she’s in trouble. So when she gets upset at you, move close, put your arms around her, and tell her that you won’t let her say those things to you. Because you are close, and kind, emotions will heat up. She’ll spray more cutting words around, and she’ll show you her meanest faces. You won’t see her face. You’ll see a reasonable facsimile of what she witnessed next door or on the playground. To help her, accept her outpouring of upset, and guide her gently.

Say things like, “Sweetie, I’m your Mommy. I’m not going to let you talk to me that way. And no matter what you say, I’m going to be here with you.” Or say, “Something hard must have happened to make you say that. What happened, honey?” Don’t expect her to tell you. Your interest and warmth will help her feel the awful emotions that have collected. She will want to get away, will use more harsh language, and she may even start to try to hit or hurt. Gently but firmly keep her from hitting you or hurting you, but do let her have the feelings and the struggles that fuel this behavior.

You might also offer your daughter the reassurance that she is a good person and a good friend, and that anyone who gets to know her will see how special she is. If she “hates” you saying those things, back down a bit, but not entirely. Protest might mean that you’ve struck a chord of hurt, and that she needs this kind of reassurance, though it makes her cry harder and fight harder at the moment.

When she begins to cry or tantrum, you’re on the right track. The tears and the struggling and fighting that come next are every child’s way of offloading feelings of fear. If you want her to move out of these difficult behaviors, you need to allow an outlet for the feelings underneath, in your arms, with you guiding things along. You listen. She spouts and cries and yells and is beside herself. You tell her you care. She spews the things she has heard next door and on the playground, aiming them at you. You keep telling her that you’re going to stay with her while she feels this badly.

She needs you. It’s your attention and caring that are going to help her right her overturned emotional boat, once all the tension it carried has floated away.

We call this Staylistening, and it works beautifully to relieve a child of the meanness she’s been showing. Listening with kindness is the cure for the “bully infection” she caught. Your love replaces the hurtful memories she is processing. Here’s an article that contains a powerful anecdote in which an adult diffuses meanness in a child with Staylistening.

There are also playful ways to respond to a child’s upsets. One kind of response that works really well to diffuse meanness is described in the article, The Vigorous Snuggle.

Those are the things to try with your daughter.

But you don’t want to have to mop up after the neighbor children’s treatment of each other and your daughter every day.  Children who are out of bounds with each other need an adult to stop them, with kindness but full intention that this behavior will stop. If no one at their home is setting effective limits, then I wouldn’t let her go there, or to any unsupervised place to play with them. 

Here’s where you have some choice. You can, instead of letting her go there, invite them over to your place. For them to have half a chance of being good to one another, you’ll need to help all three of them feel connected to you. That probably means playing with all three. Pillow play, hide and seek, or active chasing and romping are the kinds of play that have the best chance of getting laughter (and thus, connection) going between them. If and when one begins to target another (and it doesn’t matter whether it’s your child or sibling-on-sibling harshness), intervene playfully and physically, “Ohhhh! Suzie has a few grumpies today! Hmmm, how do we get those grumpies out!? Shall I pick them out of your hair for you? I bet I can get them all! I FOUND one! Here’s another!” or “Hmmm, how do we get those grumpies out? I think I have to pump your arm up and down a bunch to squirt them out! Here goes!” If you’re strong enough, pick one of them up and turn her upside down and shake her…something like that. Offer immediate, vigorous, playful intervention. See if you can get them laughing, and “showing” you their mean moves, so you’ll tackle them again.

Let these games go on for as long as you can—they’re healing, and they help children find a way to have a good cry, sooner or later. The aggressor child needs some good big cries, to help her get her upsets taken care of.

It may not be workable for you to offer the neighbor children that kind of resource. 

If not, you can try setting limits seriously, but kindly. You might say with your most friendly tone, “Suzy, I can’t let you be hard on Sally here. If you have to be angry, come with me and tell me how you feel,” and bring her with you into another room. Listen to her upset until she feels better.

Or you can say, “Suzy, I can’t let you be hard on Sally here. I’m going to ask you to go back to your house for awhile, and come back when you feel better. We like you so much, and we want you here, but that kind of talk doesn’t work at our house.”

This last is the least workable, because it sends a child who is in her worst emotional state off by herself. She can’t help but feel blamed and shamed. And it may be that if she is sent home, she’ll get more harsh treatment there, fanning the “Mean Girl” flames for another day. But if your resources are at low ebb, it might be all you can do.

You’ll be able to think about these alternatives, and figure out which ones feel like they fit what you can manage, and what the neighbor children might be able to tolerate, too.

Let us know what you figure out!

Patty

Hand in Hand is a parent education non-profit that has been helping families to build the super-protective factor of parent-child connectedness for twenty years.  You can learn more by reading the Listening to Children booklet series by Patty Wipfler or by signing up for our free monthly newsletter, Connecting! . Or follow us on Twitter at http://twitter.com/ListenToKids .

Of the 70 million US households owning dogs or cats as pets around 10% of the population are allergic to them. That is, approximately 7 million pet lovers who suffer from allergies at the paws of their canine companions and feline friends.

Pet allergies are an immune system reaction to animal proteins that trigger inflammation in the lining of the nasal passages. These allergies cause sneezing, runny nose and a stuffy head for some sufferers; however, others experience more serious symptoms including contraction of the airways resulting in hives, wheezing, shortness of breath and other breathing problems.

Any household animal with fur can cause allergies; however, cats and dogs are the most likely culprits with cats causing more allergic instances than dogs.

Typically speaking humans pick up these allergens through the animals’ dander. While saliva and urine can cause allergic reactions it is the dander that bothers most people the most. When cats and dogs shed they expel small skin cells known as dander. These can remain airborne for some time and can also accumulate on upholstered furniture, carpets and pet beds. Saliva also causes reactions and can be transmitted via clothing or after it has dried and become airborne. While there are several hairless or hypoallergenic breeds available it is important to remember that no dog or cat can be free of allergens to a pet allergy sufferer. There are; however, several steps you can take to alleviate the severity of your reaction:

1. Create a pet free zone. If you are allergic to your pet try making your bedroom a pet free zone. Let him sleep elsewhere and keep him out of your room with products like indoor dog fences. By keeping your pet out of this room and running a high powered HEPA air filter you can cut down dramatically on the amount of allergens in the air.

2. Keep other living areas clean. Dust and vacuum frequently and avoid using dust and dander-catching fabrics such as drapes and carpet. Also, cover couches and pillows with washable covers for easy cleaning. If wood floors are not an option, invest in a HEPA filter vacuum cleaner or use microfiber anti-allergen bags in your current vacuum cleaner. All of this combined with running additional HEPA air filters throughout the house will keep dander to a minimum.

3. Protect yourself. When cleaning, make sure to wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask. These items are available for purchase at your local drug store and will keep you from breathing or coming into physical contact with animal dander and saliva particles when cleaning. Cleaning stirs up these particles and can cause a particularly acute allergic reaction.

4. Keep your pet clean and groomed. If you perform grooming at home make sure to wear your gloves and mask when doing so. If your allergies are severe then take your pet for professional grooming frequently. Regular grooming keeps shedding to a minimum and will dramatically reduce allergic reactions.

5. Take your medication. Try visiting your doctor for weekly immunotherapy. These shots will expose the skin to animal proteins and will gradually desensitize the immune system to pet allergens. Injections are given weekly at first and then tapered down to one per month when the body begins to produce adequate antibodies. If your allergies are more easily controlled then you can try an over-the counter antihistamine or a prescription steroidal nose spray. Inhalers are also available for pet allergy sufferers.

If all of these tips fail, don’t get rid of the family pet just yet. Some people suffer from allergies that have nothing to do with their pets. Common culprits include pollen, mold or cigarette smoke allergies. Don’t assume that your allergies are attributed to your pet. Visit your doctor and have a skin test of a variety of common irritants to confirm what your particular triggers are. Even the most sensitive to animal allergies can achieve a happy balance in the home with proper medical treatment, a regular house cleaning regimen and frequent pet grooming.

Of all the environmental hazards in houses, lead paint is potentially one of the most serious, because it can and does have the largest number of victims. Lead-poisoned children number in the tens of thousands and suffer from reduced learning skills, behavioral and nervous system disorders, and in the worse cases of poisoning, mental retardation. Lead can also affect unborn children.

Up until 1978, nearly all exterior paints and most interior wood trim paint contained lead pigment. In the Boston area where I live, 80% of the homes contain lead paint, because much of the building stock in the city is older. If you live in an older home, contact your local health department to see what you must do about lead paint.

Below are some things to keep in mind to help protect yourself and your children from lead exposure.

1. Be careful when you renovate. One husband and wife wanted to sell their home, and their real estate agent suggested they repaint the interior to freshen up the property. They had two young children and not a lot of money, so they decided to do the work themselves. They diligently sanded and scraped wall and wood surfaces to prepare them for a new coat of paint – all while living in the house. They accepted an offer, and the prospective buyers hired a lead inspector. The inspector drew everyone aside during his site visit and said that the house contained the highest levels of lead dust he’d ever seen. Even the infant’s crib and teddy bear were contaminated. He suggested that the family evacuate the home immediately.

2. If you live in an older home, and have a sandbox outside your house, or a dirt pile for your children to play in, buy new sand or dirt– don’t use dirt from your yard. Don’t grow fruits and vegetables in the soil around your house until you have that soil tested. Make people take off their shoes when they come into your home. The soil around older homes can contain high concentrations of lead compounds – perhaps because the siding contains lead paint that was scraped before surfaces were repainted. Some people also think that lead compounds in our environment came from gasoline, before the additive tetraethyl lead was banned from fuel. When this chemical was in fuel, lead ended up in the exhaust of cars and trucks, and entered the air at a rate of about the weight of a penny for every 5 miles traveled. These microscopic lead particles found their way into the soil around houses after being washed out of the air and off of roofs.

3. If you are thinking of moving into an older home, hire a professional to do a lead inspection. Don’t forget to have carpeting tested, because it may contain soil and dust that people carried into the house on their shoes and that contains lead dust. If the property has already been de-leaded, ask to see the final lead inspection report.

Lead paint chips are not sweet and children rarely eat them. Invisible lead dust is a more worrisome culprit.

(c) Jeffrey May

My husband and I read to our two daughters on a daily basis. We love sitting down with a big pile of books and sharing the stories. But in our increasingly busy lives the art of actual storytelling seems to be slipping away.

PlainTails recently launched several CD collections that focus on classic storytelling. PlainTails First Tales is geared towards toddlers and preschoolers. “The Gingerbread Boy and Other First Tales” had my daughters’ attention from the minute I put it in our car CD player. They usually spend our commute arguing and tattling on who stuck their tongue out last. For 48 blissful minutes they were lost in the world of The Gingerbread Boy and The Frog Prince.

The stories start out with a few bars of music and then begin. While I had planned on enjoying some quiet time in the front seat, I actually found myself listening to the stories. There are a total of four stories on the disc. I assumed my daughters would be done with it once we heard all four, but they surprised me by asking to listen to them again.

PlainTales Explorers has several CDs with themed stories on each. “Animal Tales: Raccoon, Bear, and Coyte” are fictional tales about these three animals, but include a lot of educational material within the story. “Johnny Appleseed and Other American Legends” is a great way to introduce your child to some classic American stories about famous figures like John Muir and Lewis and Clark.

The CDs are $12.95 each and will really encourage your child to starting spinning their own yarns. It helps them look at the world through different eyes and forces their imaginations to expand as they think about each story.

June officially kicks off summer, and it’s time to take the party outside!

The June/July issue of Every Day with Rachael Ray gives great tips on how to put a playful spin on a classic cookout.

Rachael Ray’s design buddy Evette Rios suggests:

• Use bandanas instead of napkins to add color and flare to table settings.
• Pin down craft paper for a tablecloth and lay out pens for drawing.
• Whip up sides that will fill you up without weighing you down. For example, a Grilled Corn and Red Potato Salad with Jalapeno Vinaigrette is a tasty light choice to mayonnaise.
• Pick up colorful nylon kites to decorate the overhanging trees for a whimsical background, as well as fun entertainment for kids.

Snag this month’s issue of Every Day with Rachael Ray for more summer entertaining tips. Don’t forget to check out the new www.RachaelRayMag.com and bring out your inner host.

At Operation Shower, we could not continue to give amazing showers to military moms-to-be whose husbands are currently deployed overseas without your help.

In addition to our annual Mother’s Day unit-wide and multi-unit wide celebrations, we also send individual “Showers in a Box” throughout the year. Here’s how you can help.

When you visit the Operation Shower website at www.operationshower.org there are multiple ways to contribute to the cause. By clicking Contribute on the Operation Shower website you will see a number of different ways you can help.

One option is to donate a specific monetary amount. Dollars that are donated to Operation Shower go directly to the moms we are showering. For our annual Mother’s Day celebrations when we bring groups of moms-to-be for a big baby shower, funds help provide items like food and refreshments. Funds are also used to purchase things like boxes, tape, packing material, to pay for shipping individual boxes throughout the year, and to buy gifts like toys, blankets and books that help “round out” each shower in a box to make it unique and special.

Another option on the Operation Shower website is to earmark your donation to go toward a specific type of purchase. For instance, you can choose to give $20 towards baby bath items or $25 to buy a pair of Vincent Shoes.

Finally, we love for people to help by hosting a fundraiser to help raise money or collect product. Please contact me at kris @ cleverparents (dot) com to learn more!

To learn more about corporate sponsorships, please contact me at kris @ cleverparents (dot) com.

CLAYTON, MO (April 24, 2009) Sixty-five new moms and moms-to-be from four branches of the military in 15 states across the nation will be showered with gifts between now and Mother’s Day as a part of the latest efforts of Operation Shower. Operation Shower, a non-profit organization run by two stay-at-home moms, produces and coordinates baby showers for pregnant and expecting military personnel and their families.

This Mother’s Day, Operation Shower has teamed up with Cloud B and thirty-three more sponsors to host green baby showers for expectant women whose husbands are currently deployed overseas. Thanks to many generous donations, Operation Shower will put smiles on 65 women’s faces when they open their special eco-friendly “Showers in a Box” containing gifts and surprises valued at several hundred dollars each; all donated by generous companies and people from across the nation.

“Becoming a parent is challenging enough when you have the hands-on support of your spouse, friends and family, doing that with a husband fighting in a war is something you can’t imagine unless you are in those shoes,” said Operation Shower co-founder Lena Morrissey.

“Putting on these showers is one small way that we hope gives the moms a special memory and shows our support for the sacrifices these dedicated women and their families make for our country.” added Operation Shower co-founder Kris Jackson.

Military moms-to-be in Fort Hood, Texas and Scott Air Force Base, Illinois will be celebrated at unit-wide and multi-unit eco-friendly baby showers on May 2nd and May 9th respectively. In addition to all of the amazing “green” gifts the moms will receive, Operation Shower is making sure the showers are as green as possible by using recycled paper goods and celebrating with real dishes, flatware, glasses and linens; creating centerpieces and décor items from gifts that will be used as giveaways; and sending keepsake invitations from Tiny Prints on recycled cardstock. Even the boxes and limited packaging materials for each of the boxes used recycled material and Operation Shower will be planting a tree via the Arbor Foundation in every baby’s honor.

Each mom will receive stylish, eco-friendly items from shower sponsor Cloud B as well as wonderful products and services from the following sponsors: Baby Blend Tees, Care.com, Childish Clothing, Cozy Cocoon, Flower Duet, Hug A Monkey, ImagiPLAY, Julian & Co, Kirby Ink, Moms on Call, MyBabyPlace, PeaceLoveMom, Resa Design, Sage Creek Organics, Sprig Toys, Sofia Bean, The Safe Sippy, The Ultimate Green Store, Tiny Tales and Vincent Shoes.

“Cloud B is excited to participate with Operation Shower to help provide these wonderful ladies with a baby shower that they deserve. Our products are designed to help children and their parents get a better night’s rest, and we are delighted to make bed time routines more relaxing and easier for these families. Cloud B truly appreciates the sacrifice that these men and women have made to serve our country, and we hope our contribution will help bring extra joy to this happy occasion,” says Nader Hamda, co-founder and COO of Cloud B.

Surprises will continue at the showers when the moms have the chance to win amazing raffle items from Anka, Angela Breckenridge Photography, City Sprouts, Jane Marvel, lillebaby and Micralite. W.N. Epstein & CO. donated shipping services for the showers and media sponsors include Clever Parents, Integrity, Lena’s Notebook, Stem, teensygreen and The Cradle.

May 2nd will be even more meaningful for the founders of Operation Shower. After showering more than 200 military moms-to-be since 2007, Lena Morrissey and Kris Jackson will meet for the first time at Fort Hood, Texas.

ABOUT OPERATION SHOWER: Operation Shower is a non-profit organization (pending 501(c)(3) status) created by the founders of Lena’s Notebook (www.lenasnotebook.com) and Clever Parents (www.cleverparents.com), two websites focused on parents and parenting, to recognize and honor the sacrifices military families make by producing and coordinating baby showers for pregnant and expecting military personnel and their families. For more information about the showers and to donate, visit the Operation Shower website at www.operationshower.org. In addition to the unit and multi-unit wide showers given in honor of Mother’s Day, Operation Shower sends “showers in a box” to expecting military wives throughout the year. Moms-to-be can submit themselves or be nominated to receive a box online at www.operationshower.org.

ABOUT CLOUD B: Cloud B is dedicated to helping children of all ages sleep better. Our philosophy is that every child deserves a sound night’s sleep for healthy development, Cloud B has become a trusted name with parents worldwide. Our award-winning products are developed in consultation with an Advisory Board of pediatricians and specialists with a single focus: to achieve a better, safer sleep for your child. Our devotion to innovation is matched by our passion for design and style. Cloud B uses only the finest materials to ensure the quality and elegance that your child deserves. Cloud B is also dedicated to providing less fortunate children the quality sleep they deserve through product donations and financial contributions to charitable organizations nationwide.� (www.cloudb.com)

# # #

It seems everywhere you turn these days, someone or something is “Going Green.” Sure, some may say it’s just a huge trend or the latest fad, but I ask, how can becoming more conscious of the impact on the environment be anything but good? Consuming less and reusing more sounds like a win for everyone!

With the increase in awareness it only makes sense that this new found sense of responsibility would make its way into our not only our daily lives but our special occasions as well. Throwing an Eco-Conscious Baby Shower doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice style or serve your guests wheat grass punch. There are a lot of ways that you can make
your next Shower Baby-, Guest- and Earth-friendly.

Décor and Food

• Make sure your décor items can do double duty. For example, display unwrapped gifts in creative ways for centerpieces.
• Use locally-grown flowers from your farmer’s market.
• Shop the farmer’s market or organic aisles at the grocery store for your food. If using a caterer, try to use one that does the same.

No Paper Goods

• If an online invitation is out of the question, then look for invitations printed on recycled card stock.
• Use linen napkins and real dishes. If you don’t have enough of either, check out local rental companies. Plain white dishes and napkins are extremely affordable to rent.
• Don’t be afraid to try local discount or dollar stores either. A simple set of plain white or clear dishes and napkins will go with any theme and is something you can use over and over.
• Want to do it without spending money? Call your friends and see what fun, mix and match combo you can come up with for a fun and festive look.

Favors
Give favors that will actually be used by the guests later.

• A flower in a simple bud vase is something that will make your table look great and just as easily brighten up a desk or kitchen window at
  your guests’ home.
• Hang a reusable shopping bag on the back of each chair as a favor.
• In lieu of favors, go to the Arbor Foundation or another online source and plant a tree in each guests’ name.

Gifts

• There are hundreds of amazing eco-friendly products for baby on the market now. With just a little research you can find products that
  will surely elicit the requisite “oooooo’s and “awwwww’s” from your guests.
• Think of new ways to wrap presents. Use baby blankets or towels in lieu of wrapping paper. Present gifts in reusable shopping bags in
  lieu of paper gift bags.
• If you just can’t imagine the mom not having any traditional presents to unwrap, then use some of the many adorable recycled gift wraps on
  the market and be sure to recycle the wrap when the party is over.

Finally, designate a bin for recycling any gift wrap or paper goods other guests may bring.

Most importantly, be creative! Look at throwing an Eco-Conscious event as a fun challenge to see how many ways you can reuse and
re-purpose things you already own. When you see how little waste you have after the event, you’ll be so glad you did.

The reality of the situation is this; puppies are going to make messes and chew on stuff. They are going to get into things they shouldn’t and explore areas they have no business in. This is what puppies do until they are taught right from wrong. While puppies can not rationalize as humans can, they can recognize what is acceptable and non-acceptable behavior from your responses. Puppies will be conditioned to stay off the furniture, chew on the correct objects and go to the bathroom in the same spot when consistently praised for doing so. It is up to you to shape your puppies behavior over time. Here are 10 tips for puppy proofing your home to set your dog up for success:

1. Put up your shoes. Puppies need to chew to ease teething pain as well as maintain their dental health over their lifetime. Proper chew toys are essential for any dog owner. Until your puppy has learned that shoes are not appropriate chew toys you should always keep them put away. While this might sound obvious, many people leave them lying about the house and are surprised and angry when their pup destroys their favorite pair of kicks. Thankfully, closets have doors that will keep your curious puppy at paws length from this seasons’ must have peep toe pumps.

2. Cover up your cords and wires. If you have excessive audio and visual equipment with speaker wires and cords strewn about, your puppy is likely to chew on them. Tuck those wires away whenever possible. Tie them up with inexpensive plastic zip ties or feed them through special tubes designed to house wires of this type. This will help you avoid the expense of replacing your expensive components.

3. Put up hazardous chemicals in your garage or basement. Puppies will get into things they are not supposed to if they are within his reach. Purchase a shelving unit from your local hardware store and put up those jugs of oil, antifreeze and gasoline as they can cause unnecessary illnesses and death in some cases.

4. Store medications in upper cabinets. Make sure that even the most harmless of medications are stored in upper cabinets out of your pups’ reach. Your puppy can chew through those plastic prescription bottles and ingest harmful quantities of medication in the process.

5. Tie up the cords of your blinds. When mini-blinds are open their cords dangle temptingly in front of your pup. He may just want to play, but these dangling strings can hang him up, literally. Your pup could become injured or strangled in blind cords so make sure to tie a knot in the string keeping the cords high out of his reach.

6. Lock up the cleaning products. If you keep cleaning products below the kitchen or bathroom sinks like most people then you should always put baby locks on your cabinets to keep nosey puppies from sniffing out your cleaning products. Bleach, ammonia, comet, drain cleaner and many others can be deadly to your pooch if ingested. Curious puppies can open cabinet doors when not locked properly.

7. Store dog food in airtight plastic containers. Do not leave a bag of dog food sitting out for your puppy to get into. Some dogs will eat until they become sick if given the opportunity. Solve this problem by storing dog food in large plastic containers. You can purchase a $5 plastic bin from a hardware store of opt for a fancier version from a pet superstore.

8. Keep toxic plants out of reach. Aloe Vera, Lilies, Baby’s Breath, Daffodils and many others can be toxic to your pet. While it depends on the size of the dog, puppies should not be around plants like this because their immune systems are still developing they are more susceptible to illness.

9. Put the chocolate away. Chocolate, especially dark chocolate, is toxic to dogs. Dogs are drawn to chocolate as people are and will eat it wrappers and all in some cases. If you have candy dishes out on coffee tables or in bowls on the kitchen table or counters, put them away. When properly motivated by these open bowls he will find a way to get to the tempting treats.

10. Purchase covered trash containers for every room in your house. Puppies can be quite the little scavengers when tempted by items left in trash cans. Make sure that all trash cans in the house are covered to avoid unnecessary messes. Do not overlook the bathroom trash bins. Small bathroom trash cans with domed lids keep nosey puppies from dragging your used tissues and other sanitary items about your house. Covered trash cans will eliminate this messy and potentially embarrassing situation.

While some owners avoid indoor problems by keeping their pets outside with dog fences others stay are secured indoors with a dog crate, but remember both require consistency to be effective. If you use either of these methods, you should always look for ways to keep your valuables safely out of reach.

Here are 5 simple ways to boost your metabolism!

1. Calcium- Speeds up basal metabolism. Get it through food vs. calcium supplements. Calcium rich foods include: milk, yogurt, and cheese. Non-diary options include tofu, calcium fortified soymilk, and salmon.

2. Fiber- Increases calorie consumption. Find it in beans, fresh fruit, veggies, and whole-grain breads.

3. Green Tea- Increases calorie consumption plus it has other health benefits. Green tea is loaded with anti-oxidants which can help reduce your risk for cancer and lower cholesterol!

4. Water- Aids in the digestion of food. Drink a minimum of 8-10 glasses per day.

5. Breakfast- Keeps your metabolism going so you’re less likely to eat too much at your next meal. My personal favorite is a combo of cereals- Kashi Go Lean Crunch and Autumn Wheat with 1% organic lowfat milk.

For more tips visit: www.fitbysara.com.

Children with autism require structure.� Based on the DSM-IV (Diagnostic Statistical Manual) criteria, children with autism require several things in order to be successful in an environment.�

They require:

• � Physical Structure�
• � Behavioral Consistency
• � Visual Organization
• � Visual Supports
• � Concrete Teaching Expectations
• � Way to Understand Social Environment
• � Clear, Simple Communication

Let me give you 5 key things to keep in mind as you begin to structure an environment for children with autism.� Each of these is based not only on the diagnostic criteria but also current researched best practice.

1.� � � � � Visual Supports are vital.� Even though the children may be verbal, they also require visuals in order to make sense of the environmental expectations.� These visuals may be in the form of photos, picture symbols or words.� Supports may be needed as explanations of events, of academic tasks, of behavioral requirement or just as reminders.�
(example:� place a visual picture/symbol/photo next to the posted behavioral expectations of the classroom.� This will enhance understanding)
2.� � � � � The environment should be set up so that it makes sense to the children.� Children on the spectrum do not understand the environment as do typical children.� So make sure the layout of the setting helps to give the children clues to the expectations of the setting.
(example: create a work area, leisure area, group area, etc.� Include visuals of the expectations in each of the areas)
3.� � � � � Structure the environmental setting to encourage independence.� Do not do tasks for the children that they can do for themselves.� Structure the environment to the point that the children are independent then lessen the structure as they obtain mastery.
(example: label classroom materials so that the children can access the materials independently)
4.� � � � � Minimize visual clutter.� Stand at the door of the room and look around.� Does the room appear cluttered?� The room should appear uncluttered and visually organized.� Lessen the decoration in the classroom and make better use of visuals primarily for the purpose of teaching.�
(example:� use solid color fabric to cover up visual clutter on bookcases.)
5.� � � � � Encourage communication of some kind. Even though the child is nonverbal, encourage the use of sign language, picture symbol exchange or even an augmentative communication device.� Whatever the form of communication, it should be used in all settings so to promote generalization and independence.
(example: use a picture symbol wallet with children for requesting needs or desires)
� �

�

�

Your family is growing in size and you have to find a roomier home. You may feel lucky if the person moving out is leaving behind a refrigerator or some stylish carpeting, but beware. Many things left behind in a house should be cleaned or removed prior to occupancy, especially if you or someone else in your family, particularly a child, has allergies, asthma or other environmental sensitivities.

1. The Refrigerator. There is often allergenic dust on the sides and back of the appliance, as well as dust trapped in the coils and insulation. These surfaces can be HEPA vacuumed with a 36-inch crevice tool (found on-line; Google “36-inch crevice tool” AND “vacuum”). A drip tray, if present, can be contaminated with mold, bacteria and yeast. When the refrigerator compressor turns on, by-products of this growth can become airborne and be inhaled. The tray should be removed and cleaned. A few tablespoons of salt in a clean plastic (not metal) drip tray can help deter such microbial growth. (In newer refrigerators, the drip tray is on top of the compressor and only accessible for cleaning from the rear after removal of an access panel; salt shouldn’t be used here.)

2. The Washer and Dryer. Biodegradable lint can pile up in back of a dryer, and if the washer has ever leaked, there can be mold growth on the floor or the lower few inches of wall behind the appliance. The washer/dryer should be moved and the area thoroughly cleaned. The dryer hose should be checked to be sure that it’s not kinked or squashed, and that it vents to the exterior. For confined spaces, I recommend a solid metal, periscope-style dryer duct rather than a hose that is likely to be crushed. Never use flexible plastic hose.

3. Built-Ins in Unfinished Basements. Below-grade spaces are prone to mildew growth, so work benches, pegboards to hold tools, and built-in wooden shelves and seats are often covered with mold, and should be removed or cleaned and painted to adhere moldy dust.

4. Carpeting and Built-Ins in Finished Basements. I would say that more than half of the finished basements I investigate end up in a dumpster because they haven’t been consistently dehumidified in spring/summer/early fall or heated in the colder months. Relative humidity has thus been elevated and mildew has sprouted, usually invisibly, on the lower few feet of walls and built-in bars, on the bottoms of shelves, and in carpet dust. (Hold a bright flashlight parallel to smooth, finished vertical surfaces to see the spots of probable mold colonies at the lower foot or two, as well as higher up on outside corners.) A moldy carpet should be removed under containment, and replaced with vinyl or ceramic tile flooring. Any built-ins should also be removed or cleaned and painted to adhere residual dust. The lower few feet of pressed-board or painted walls can be cleaned with a bleach/water solution or a household cleaner suited for the purpose. Unfinished wood should be lightly sprayed with paint or an appropriate sealant, to adhere residual dust. If off-gassing is an issue, use an Elmer’s glue and water solution (one part glue to one to two parts water). Painted surfaces can be repainted.

5. Carpeting in Other Spaces. People often replace wall-to-wall carpeting in rooms but leave the carpeting on stairs and in hallways, yet it is these areas that often receive the most foot traffic and where the carpeting is sometimes most severely contaminated with allergens from pets, dust mites, and even mold growing on captured dust.

6. Window Treatments. Some window shades off-gas a vinyl smell that can be irritating to those who are sensitive to chemicals (like fragrances). Such blinds should be removed from the house, along with the Seller’s other possessions. Sometimes curtains contain mold growth on surfaces that are near the cool floor or that have rested up against a cool window or slider. Curtains and drapes can also be full of allergens from pets and dust mites. Such curtains should be cleaned if possible or replaced.

7. Furniture. Perhaps the family moving out of the home is downsizing and thus is interested in selling you some furniture. If that includes a bed or two, replace each mattress and box spring, and clean the frame of all dust. If any of the furniture pieces are antiques, they may have been stored in a damp basement or garage at some point and can contain a nearly invisible fuzzy film of mildew growth on solid surfaces, especially the bottoms and backs; there may also be mold growth in cushioning or on upholstery. If you want to accept such hand-me-downs, buy new mattresses, reupholster pieces, and clean solid surfaces. Inheriting someone else’s dust mites and other allergens and irritants shouldn’t be part of the deal.

©2009 Jeffrey C. May

While cutting costs and spending less these days is a prudent action, there is one thing that you never need to skimp on – your family. Family is a constant in any economic environment, to be enjoyed and loved for rich or poor. You don’t have to spend a lot of money on lavish vacations or expensive evenings out to enjoy your family time together. Here are 4 creative ways to spend quality time with those closest to you without spending a dime:

Movies – Instead of trekking the whole family out to the latest release in the theatres, try scrounging up your old videos. Just because a movie was made more than a decade ago, doesn’t mean the next generation can’t enjoy it just as much as you did. Recently, I came across a bin of old videos and once I dusted off the VCR, our family re-enjoyed such classics as Back to the Future, Superman and ET.

Family Game Night – If you have a pack of playing cards, you have an endless supply of games at your disposal. Teach your kids some games you used to play as a kid or play their favorites such as Old Maid and Crazy Eights. Several families boast about their family Poker nights with kids as young as four! Dig out some old board games that you’ve been too busy to play. Make a night of it with popcorn and smoothies. Family game night is one of my kids most treasured events.

Make your own Game – Put a further twist on your game playing and let your kids make up their own game. Grab some poster board, colored paper, markers, tape, glue and dice and just let them go. This will keep them busy for hours and then you have the fun of all sitting down and experiencing this masterpiece together.

Dance Party – This is a family treat for all ages. Get out the old records or just turn on the radio, clear a space and dance. My kids and I enjoy the 80s station for our dance party. Have a contest on the craziest dance move, the sillier the better. What fun your kids will have watching mom and dad dancing letting loose and goofy!

Q. What’s the Problem with Spanking?

In most Western cultures, there’s a longstanding history of permission to spank children. Many of our parents spanked. And most of us hold the perspective that our parents were doing their very best to love us. So whether to spank children or not is a confusing issue—if we turned out OK, and our parents spanked us, then isn’t spanking an acceptable, even desirable way to make sure that children do what’s right?

It seems to me that there are three core questions to ask about spanking. The first is the broader question, what’s the long term effect of spanking on children? The second is, does physical punishment really achieve the goal of controlling a child’s behavior in the moment? And there’s a third important question, seldom asked but certainly relevant and a good place for us to begin: what does spanking do to us as parents?

What does spanking do to the parent?

Most parents feel angry when they spank. An angry person is determined to assert control in a situation, and doing something physical feels like it will bring some relief. So spanking a child may make a parent feel temporarily righteous, back in control, vindicated, and/or satisfied that he did not allow himself to be victimized.

However, there are very few parents who have gazed at their newborn child and thought, “I can hardly wait until I can spank my beautiful daughter!” or “When he gets a little older, it will be so good to have the chance to spank his little bottom.” We know that these statements are absurd! When a parent feels he has no alternative but to spank, he is acting out of desperation: he doesn’t know what else to do. It wasn’t part of his original plan for relating to his precious child.

Parents have to steel themselves emotionally in order to follow through with a spanking. We have to harden our hearts. Or, perhaps more often, a challenging situation that we’ve been trying hard to deal with finally sends us into the emotional badlands, where love can’t be felt. And there, we feel that our child has driven us to spank—it’s too heartbreaking to think that our child was actually asking for our help, and we attacked instead.

Does spanking control a child’s behavior in the short term?

When a child is spanked, his or her limbic system (the emotional center of the brain, and the part of the mind that mediates learning and understanding) goes into alarm mode. The child’s brain clearly perceives spanking as an occasion of danger, and responds accordingly. For the child, it is an experience of being small and unable to control an overwhelming and unpredictable force. In this state, his mind can learn nothing. His prefrontal cortex, the center of reason and judgment, shuts down. Hence, a child’s behavior during and after a spanking is not thoughtful behavior. It’s reactive. The “control” that the parent is striving for has everything to do with fear, and nothing to do with teaching, learning, or a child’s understanding of concepts of right and wrong. What the child “learns” is that, seemingly out of the blue, for reasons he can’t fathom, he has been hit or hurt by a person who loves him. This is a confusing lesson indeed.

Spankings are perceived by a child to be random acts of violence. Over time, they create a wedge of fear and resentment between child and parent. The more time a child spends with his mind shut down by the fear response that physical attack brings, the more reactive his behavior becomes. A vicious cycle results: a fearful child becomes aggressive or withdrawn, the parent spanks in response, the child becomes more frightened, and loses more of his access to his own good judgment.

So, though a spanking may result in a quieter, more cautious child for a few hours, that apparent peace has a high price. A child’s sense of safety, and with it, his ability to reason, to cooperate, to learn, and to trust, are all eroded with every spanking. So is a child’s openness to love from his parent.

What are the long-term effects of spanking?

Many studies have been done on spanking in the United States and in other countries. The evidence is clear that the effects on children are strongly negative. The American Academy of Pediatrics and a long list of other professional societies take a clear stand against the corporal punishment of children, both at home and in the schools.

One large study showed that the more parents spanked children for antisocial behavior, the more the antisocial behavior increased (Straus, Sugarman, & Giles-Sims, 1997). The more children are hit, the more likely they are to hit others including peers and siblings and, as adults, the more likely they are to hit their spouses (Straus and Gelles, 1990; Wolfe, 1987).

Studies show that even a few instances of having been hit as a child are associated with more depressive symptoms in adult life (Strauss, 1994, Strassberg, Dodge, Pettit & Bates, 1994). A landmark meta-analysis of 88 corporal punishment research studies of over six decades showed that corporal punishment of children was associated with negative outcomes, including increased delinquent and antisocial behavior, increased risk of child abuse and spousal abuse, increased risk of child aggression and adult aggression, decreased child mental health and decreased adult mental health (Gershoff, 2002). It has also been shown that corporal punishment has an adverse effect on a child’s cognitive development.

What is a parent to do instead?

We parents need more support than we get. It’s not right that we must repeatedly face parenting issues that drain our patience entirely. It’s not right that there’s no dependable way to restore our emotional balance when we’re beyond frustration. It seems to me that spankings point to our need for more help, more kindness in our own lives, and less worry about our futures and the futures of our children. We want the best for them, and we need better for ourselves, too.

We parents need to listen to each other’s stories, to hear each other out. We need to hear how many troubles an exhausted or frustrated parent has seen. We need to offer each other appreciation for the things we do well. We need someone we’ve built a measure of trust with to hear all about our anger, our worries and our desperate moments. It’s remarkable how much difference the chance to be listened to can make in a parent’s life!

And then, we need to move close to our children, instead of attacking them for their troubles. It’s an unusual thing to do, but to move close, set a limit, and then stay with a child while the passionate feelings pour out is far kinder than punishment. It also helps a child learn from the limit that was set. His mind flushes lots of emotional tension out while you keep things safe around him. And in the end, he knows you love him, and that drive to cross the limit again is gone. You’ve connected with him. His mind has moved from an “I don’t care what they say!” state to feeling like part of the family again.

Listening until the child’s feelings are spent helps a child actually learn from mistakes and poor judgment. At the end of a good cry or tantrum that’s supported by his parent, a child can make sense of what just happened. He understands the limit that was set, and that limit doesn’t leave lingering resentment or anger. Short range, it helps a child rebuild his connection with the parent who listened to him, so his mind works again, right here, right now. And it gives a parent a way to exert real power when a child has gone off track. The parent uses the power of his caring, and the power of his good judgment, to retrieve his child from behavior that wasn’t working for either of them.

Here’s how it can work:

“It’s been really hard. Our four-year-old son has been extra demanding lately. He has been asking for what feels like constant attention and in often unflattering ways. Requests for help come out as demands. He also has been intensely rigid. The shoes aren’t tied right. The hood isn’t just so. All of which have triggered down on the floor tantrums with wails and flailing legs and arms. And they have come some days endlessly one after another even with all our many hours of focused attention.

“To add to it lately, he has started hitting his sister, me and my husband. He only hits at home and never has hit friends or other relatives.

“This morning we could see it coming again. As my husband and I both can feel triggered by the intensity of our son’s rage, especially when it was directed at us, we decided until things shifted, we would work together when we could to help our son through his big feelings. This morning was our second attempt together at helping him, the previous night we had stayed together as well.

“This morning, my husband set the limit and brought him upstairs. I joined him and together we stayed with our son while he flailed on the bed, screaming at us. He didn’t want to hit a pillow or any other object; he wanted to hit one of us, with our faces being the prime target. We kept ourselves safe and reminded him that he was safe. As the feelings intensified, he complained of not being able to breathe when it was clear to us that physically he could breathe. I think that he was having some kind of emotional flashback. We told him we could see he was breathing and that we would make sure he continued to breathe just fine. He pushed hard against us with all his strength. It went on like this for what felt like forever.

“Then he stopped, just stopped and popped up his head. He nuzzled close to me and, with no forethought, I made a circle out of my arms which our son took as an invitation to squirm his way through the circular opening in my arms. Making it safely to the other side, he came back triumphantly to squish his way back through the circle again. He asked to do it again and again. “Tighten your arms this time” he’d request. Each time he made it through he’d smile. Back and forth he’d go between his dad’s arms and mine. Soon his sister, hearing his giggles, joined in and we all had a good laugh on the bed. We needed it. We made it through. I wonder whether, that whole time, he had been working through feelings from his birth. We’ll never know, but he was sure enjoying getting through a tight spot again and again at the end! And he was easy-going for the rest of that day.

Hand in Hand is a parent education non-profit that has been helping families to build the super-protective factor of parent-child connectedness for twenty years.� You can learn more by reading the Listening to Children booklet series by Patty Wipfler or by signing up for our free monthly newsletter, Connecting!

Most of us can relate to the warm fuzzy feelings associated with the relationship between children and dogs. Movies and television have shown classic relationships of this sort for decades because of the popularity of dogs among children. Every time a dog walks by most toddlers and young children point and exclaim, “Look Mommy, puppies”!

While we love the idea of our children growing up with their special canine friend, the reality of its practice is not as perfect as it sounds. We have all seen the stories on the news. Every year in America dog bites are among the top 10 reasons for injuries to children. In fact, dog bites account for more emergency room visits per year than roller skating, skateboarding, all-terrain vehicles and horseback riding accidents combined. While there can never be a guarantee that your child will not be bitten by a dog; there are steps that you can take to dramatically reduce the risks.

First it is important to understand why dogs bite children in the first place. Most dogs are safe and loyal companions, but even the friendliest of dogs can bite if they feel threatened, afraid or hurt. Dogs can be protective over the things they care about including their dog bed and toys or spaces such as their yard, their owner’s parked car or their puppies. Children often make the mistake of inserting their arm into a fence to pet a dog who might be concerned about protecting his space and bite the unsuspecting child. Children need to understand that it is in a dog’s nature to be protectors. Another reason dogs bite children is because children have a tendency to crowd, chase, corner or stand too closely over a dog. These behaviors are all considered threats in the dog’s world. Children must be taught that they need to respect the dog’s space and avoid threatening behavior.

Now that we have a better understanding of why dogs bite children we can begin a step by step education program for our children. The American Veterinary Medical Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics and an national non-profit called Prevent the Bite have worked together to come up with a list of safety tips for children to avoid being bitten by dogs. Here is a basic list of the tips included in this guide:

1. Always remember that no owner means no petting. Your children should know that if there is no one with the dog or closely supervising the dog then it is never acceptable to pet the dog.

2. Always practice the WAIT theory when meeting new dogs
W – Wait to see if the dog is with its owner and the dog and owner appear friendly
A – Ask the owner for permission to pet the dog
I – Invite the dog to sniff or greet you first
T – Touch the dog gently to pet and never pet the face or head of strange dogs

3. Remember that hugs are for people and not for dogs. Children should not drape themselves around the dogs neck as the dog may consider this a threat. Hugs also place the children face to near the dog’s mouth and can result in serious injury.

4. Do not scream or run around dogs, this will agitate them. Dogs also have a tendency to chase running objects so this behavior can be dangerous.

5. Never go near a dog who is eating, sleeping, chewing on a toy or not feeling well. Children sometimes want to innocently play with the dog, but the dog might be protective of its food, toy or bed and choose to bite.

6. Do not go near a dog when he is in a car, behind a fence or tied up even if your child knows the dog as he will want to protect his space.

7. Teach your children what to do when being chased by a strange dog. They should stop running and stand completely still like a tree. If they have a bike or a skateboard they should put it between them and the dog and stand still while looking directly at the ground. Eye contact can sometimes antagonize an angry dog. If they have been knocked over by the dog teach them to lie on the ground with their knees to their chest, hands over their ears and arms covering their face.

This might sound scary to you, but most bite cases can be prevented by teaching your children about how dogs think and making sure they follow these tips.