Okay, I guess the swaddle didn’t actually go anywhere for many families around the nation and the globe. However, new and experienced parents need go no further than their favorite parenting website or book these days to read about the wonders of wrapping their little one up tight. From Harvey Karp’s bestseller, The Happiest Baby on the Block, to the American Association of Pediatrics, experts are touting the use of a well-spun swaddle to reduce excessive crying and increase sleep efficiency in newborns.

While there is little debate about the value of swaddling, the act of swaddling can seem daunting at first. After all, you’re talking about wrapping a piece of fabric around your new squirmy bundle tightly enough to have it stay in place without it being too restrictive or hot. Oh, and can you make that organic?

Enter the Solana Swaddle. Here’s what we love about it. One. It’s big enough to actually do the things that all the swaddle instructions tell you to do but you can’t really do with standard sized swaddles (at least not on our 10+ pound test babies). Two. It stays in place. The fabrics are soft enough to be next to baby’s skin while having enough texture to grab onto itself, a real blessing for those parents with Houdini babies. Three. It doesn’t overheat. For winter babies who are sleeping in toasty homes dressed in cozy sleepers and for summer babies sleeping in hotter climes, Solana wraps provide the swaddle without the sweat. Since overheating has been linked to SIDS, this gives mom and dad reason to sleep easy too.

Solana Swaddle Wraps are made of lightweight muslins, gauze or organic cotton. At 45”X45”, these full squares of fabric double as nursing covers, stroller covers, and more. Some say it’s just a square piece of cloth but we say it’s a good night’s sleep. Everybody wins with Solana.

Parents and child care providers work hard to provide a loving, stimulating environment that is safe for even the smallest children. One element of a healthy child care environment that is often overlooked is pest control. Pests may be harmful to children’s health, and pesticides used to control them may also be very harmful. Pest control in child care should be 100% kid-safe: it should effectively manage pests without exposing children or staff members to potentially harmful pesticides.

A new report out this week from Toxic Free North Carolina, Avoiding Big Risks for Small Kids, takes a look at what child care providers in our state are doing about pests like ants, weeds, cockroaches and such. Toxic Free NC talked to 89 child care providers all around the state last year and asked them all kinds of questions about pests and pesticides. The survey results paint a distressing picture of overuse of pesticides in child care, which potentially exposes children and staff to pesticides that can trigger asthma attacks, harm growing brains, and even increases their risk of developing some types of cancer.

* For 53% of child care providers who took the pest control survey, old fashioned high-risk pest control methods like baseboard spraying are used at their child care. Some do this spraying themselves, but more are contracting with a professional pest control company who does it. Broadcast spraying creates a high risk that children and staff will be exposed to those potentially harmful chemicals. Because little kids are growing quickly, and spend a lot of time crawling around on the floor and putting things in their mouths, they are more vulnerable than adults to health damage from pesticides and other toxic chemicals in their environments.

* The survey also found very limited adoption of least-toxic pest control, known as Integrated Pest Management (IPM). The US EPA recommends IPM for schools, child care centers and other areas where children spend time because it drastically reduces health risks from pesticides. IPM uses pro-active monitoring, sanitation, and maintenance to prevent pest problems before they start, and uses least-toxic pesticides sparingly if at all, and only with very targeted application methods. Fewer than 24% of child care providers reported using practices that qualify as IPM – but those who did also reported fewer serious pest problems, indicating that it may be working better.

Compared with public schools, which are rapidly adopting IPM in North Carolina, child care centers are lagging way behind. NC public schools are all required to switch to least-toxic IPM by 2011 thanks to a state law adopted in 2006.

So what can parents & child care providers do about this? Be an advocate for kid-safe pest management! I recommend asking lots of questions to get more information about pest control and safety at your child care. We’ve made a quick and dirty guide for parents and providers, that lists the top questions people should be asking to ensure they’re getting the safest pest control at their child care.

For parents, asking questions like these can tell you a lot:

Are baseboard spraying or fogging ever used here?
Are pesticides ever used while children are present?
Do you have a pest control contract, and if so, does it call for least-toxic IPM?
Do you have records of pest control activities that I can look at?

The littlest kids are the most vulnerable to health harm from pesticides, but pests are no treat either, and some, like cockroaches, can also harm children’s health. So, the safest approach is one that takes care of pests with minimum use of pesticides. If public schools can do it, so can child care centers. Avoiding Big Risks for Small Kids shows that child care providers aren’t informed enough about this issue to get the safest pest control they can. Parents can make a huge difference by simply asking the right questions!

Looking for more information?
Here’s that quick and dirty guide to Avoiding Big Risks for Small Kids for parents and providers.
Here are Toxic Free NC’s resources for child care providers, which include a guide to contracting for safer pest control.
Here’s more information about the NC School Children’s Health Act, which requires IPM for NC public schools.
And here’s the link one more time for the new report – Avoiding Big Risks for Small Kids.

At Operation Shower, we could not continue to give amazing showers to military moms-to-be whose husbands are currently deployed overseas without your help.

In addition to our annual Mother’s Day unit-wide and multi-unit wide celebrations, we also send individual “Showers in a Box” throughout the year. Here’s how you can help.

When you visit the Operation Shower website at www.operationshower.org there are multiple ways to contribute to the cause. By clicking Contribute on the Operation Shower website you will see a number of different ways you can help.

One option is to donate a specific monetary amount. Dollars that are donated to Operation Shower go directly to the moms we are showering. For our annual Mother’s Day celebrations when we bring groups of moms-to-be for a big baby shower, funds help provide items like food and refreshments. Funds are also used to purchase things like boxes, tape, packing material, to pay for shipping individual boxes throughout the year, and to buy gifts like toys, blankets and books that help “round out” each shower in a box to make it unique and special.

Another option on the Operation Shower website is to earmark your donation to go toward a specific type of purchase. For instance, you can choose to give $20 towards baby bath items or $25 to buy a pair of Vincent Shoes.

Finally, we love for people to help by hosting a fundraiser to help raise money or collect product. Please contact me at kris @ cleverparents (dot) com to learn more!

To learn more about corporate sponsorships, please contact me at kris @ cleverparents (dot) com.

It seems everywhere you turn these days, someone or something is “Going Green.” Sure, some may say it’s just a huge trend or the latest fad, but I ask, how can becoming more conscious of the impact on the environment be anything but good? Consuming less and reusing more sounds like a win for everyone!

With the increase in awareness it only makes sense that this new found sense of responsibility would make its way into our not only our daily lives but our special occasions as well. Throwing an Eco-Conscious Baby Shower doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice style or serve your guests wheat grass punch. There are a lot of ways that you can make
your next Shower Baby-, Guest- and Earth-friendly.

Décor and Food

• Make sure your décor items can do double duty. For example, display unwrapped gifts in creative ways for centerpieces.
• Use locally-grown flowers from your farmer’s market.
• Shop the farmer’s market or organic aisles at the grocery store for your food. If using a caterer, try to use one that does the same.

No Paper Goods

• If an online invitation is out of the question, then look for invitations printed on recycled card stock.
• Use linen napkins and real dishes. If you don’t have enough of either, check out local rental companies. Plain white dishes and napkins are extremely affordable to rent.
• Don’t be afraid to try local discount or dollar stores either. A simple set of plain white or clear dishes and napkins will go with any theme and is something you can use over and over.
• Want to do it without spending money? Call your friends and see what fun, mix and match combo you can come up with for a fun and festive look.

Favors
Give favors that will actually be used by the guests later.

• A flower in a simple bud vase is something that will make your table look great and just as easily brighten up a desk or kitchen window at
  your guests’ home.
• Hang a reusable shopping bag on the back of each chair as a favor.
• In lieu of favors, go to the Arbor Foundation or another online source and plant a tree in each guests’ name.

Gifts

• There are hundreds of amazing eco-friendly products for baby on the market now. With just a little research you can find products that
  will surely elicit the requisite “oooooo’s and “awwwww’s” from your guests.
• Think of new ways to wrap presents. Use baby blankets or towels in lieu of wrapping paper. Present gifts in reusable shopping bags in
  lieu of paper gift bags.
• If you just can’t imagine the mom not having any traditional presents to unwrap, then use some of the many adorable recycled gift wraps on
  the market and be sure to recycle the wrap when the party is over.

Finally, designate a bin for recycling any gift wrap or paper goods other guests may bring.

Most importantly, be creative! Look at throwing an Eco-Conscious event as a fun challenge to see how many ways you can reuse and
re-purpose things you already own. When you see how little waste you have after the event, you’ll be so glad you did.

Corporate downsizing, a sluggish economy and high unemployment has left many people fearful of the future as they struggle to provide for their families. As a result, job fairs are experiencing a record number of attendees and unemployment agencies are being inundated with new applicants daily. In an attempt to obtain employment, today’s job seekers want to know what types of skills are needed and which skills really pay off in the long run. Many are looking to reinvent themselves and retool their skills.

Stopping to ask, “What do I need to learn to fit into today’s job market?” and then seek training to develop the necessary skills are important steps to gainful employment. The concept of reinventing oneself and learning new skills is vital for obtaining employment.

Consider for a moment how the concept of reinventing oneself can also be applied to parenting. Learning new parenting skills is vital to the role of raising responsible children in today’s world. Keep the following suggestions in the forefront of your mind as you look to retool your parenting.

1. Stop parenting the way you were parented. Most parents use similar techniques and strategies to those their parents used with them. “Well my parents did it this way with me and I’m fine,” some parents offer as an excuse to keep from learning alternate ways of managing children’s behavior. Much has changed in our world from when we were growing up as children. Be open to seeing new ways to approach your important role as a parent.

2. Change yourself first. When your child misbehaves, ask yourself, “What is it that I need to know?” “How am I contributing to this behavior?” “What could I do differently that would help my child?” Seek first to understand the situation, the contributing factors, and how you can change yourself. You may discover that you need to add a few tools to your parenting tool box.

3. Reinvent yourself by learning from others. Take parenting classes. Read parenting books. Consult parenting experts. Actively seek information and ideas from the many ways it is provided today. One can find parenting techniques on YouTube under parent professor, in books stores, or by attending workshops in your community.

4. Increase the number of tools in your parenting tool box. When you develop a well-stocked parenting tool box, you increase the likelihood that you will match the most effective tool with the appropriate situation. The more you learn the more options you have when a difficult behavior arises.

5. Learn what best fits your children. Some children are visual learners, some are auditory learners and some are more tactile in their learning. When your child behaves in a way that calls for your correction and guidance, stop to ask yourself what would be the best way to deliver the guidance. Choose the method that fits their learning style and the odds that your child will learn more efficiently increases.

6. Seek to teach and guide, not punish and shame. Your role as a parent is to help your children learn how to manage their own behavior. When you shame, threaten and punish your children, ask yourself, “What is my behavior teaching my children?” Consider that the main lesson you are teaching them is that shame, threatening or physical force is an appropriate way to get what you want in this world. Is that the lesson you want your children to learn?

7. Remember “how” you are, is as important as “what” you do. How you apply a parenting technique is as important as the technique you choose. Take a moment right now to create a vision of yourself being the best parent you have always wanted to be. The next time you implement a parenting strategy, ask yourself, “Is this strategy helping me become that best parent I can be?” If the answer is “No”, choose a different strategy.

In response to the many new challenges that children present today, reinvent yourself. Eliminate the controlling, manipulating strategies of the past. Change the way you handle irritating, annoying, frustrating behavior. Discover what’s best for raising confident, caring children in a world of economic instability. Be certain about your children’s behavioral and emotional future. Retool your parenting.

Your family is growing in size and you have to find a roomier home. You may feel lucky if the person moving out is leaving behind a refrigerator or some stylish carpeting, but beware. Many things left behind in a house should be cleaned or removed prior to occupancy, especially if you or someone else in your family, particularly a child, has allergies, asthma or other environmental sensitivities.

1. The Refrigerator. There is often allergenic dust on the sides and back of the appliance, as well as dust trapped in the coils and insulation. These surfaces can be HEPA vacuumed with a 36-inch crevice tool (found on-line; Google “36-inch crevice tool” AND “vacuum”). A drip tray, if present, can be contaminated with mold, bacteria and yeast. When the refrigerator compressor turns on, by-products of this growth can become airborne and be inhaled. The tray should be removed and cleaned. A few tablespoons of salt in a clean plastic (not metal) drip tray can help deter such microbial growth. (In newer refrigerators, the drip tray is on top of the compressor and only accessible for cleaning from the rear after removal of an access panel; salt shouldn’t be used here.)

2. The Washer and Dryer. Biodegradable lint can pile up in back of a dryer, and if the washer has ever leaked, there can be mold growth on the floor or the lower few inches of wall behind the appliance. The washer/dryer should be moved and the area thoroughly cleaned. The dryer hose should be checked to be sure that it’s not kinked or squashed, and that it vents to the exterior. For confined spaces, I recommend a solid metal, periscope-style dryer duct rather than a hose that is likely to be crushed. Never use flexible plastic hose.

3. Built-Ins in Unfinished Basements. Below-grade spaces are prone to mildew growth, so work benches, pegboards to hold tools, and built-in wooden shelves and seats are often covered with mold, and should be removed or cleaned and painted to adhere moldy dust.

4. Carpeting and Built-Ins in Finished Basements. I would say that more than half of the finished basements I investigate end up in a dumpster because they haven’t been consistently dehumidified in spring/summer/early fall or heated in the colder months. Relative humidity has thus been elevated and mildew has sprouted, usually invisibly, on the lower few feet of walls and built-in bars, on the bottoms of shelves, and in carpet dust. (Hold a bright flashlight parallel to smooth, finished vertical surfaces to see the spots of probable mold colonies at the lower foot or two, as well as higher up on outside corners.) A moldy carpet should be removed under containment, and replaced with vinyl or ceramic tile flooring. Any built-ins should also be removed or cleaned and painted to adhere residual dust. The lower few feet of pressed-board or painted walls can be cleaned with a bleach/water solution or a household cleaner suited for the purpose. Unfinished wood should be lightly sprayed with paint or an appropriate sealant, to adhere residual dust. If off-gassing is an issue, use an Elmer’s glue and water solution (one part glue to one to two parts water). Painted surfaces can be repainted.

5. Carpeting in Other Spaces. People often replace wall-to-wall carpeting in rooms but leave the carpeting on stairs and in hallways, yet it is these areas that often receive the most foot traffic and where the carpeting is sometimes most severely contaminated with allergens from pets, dust mites, and even mold growing on captured dust.

6. Window Treatments. Some window shades off-gas a vinyl smell that can be irritating to those who are sensitive to chemicals (like fragrances). Such blinds should be removed from the house, along with the Seller’s other possessions. Sometimes curtains contain mold growth on surfaces that are near the cool floor or that have rested up against a cool window or slider. Curtains and drapes can also be full of allergens from pets and dust mites. Such curtains should be cleaned if possible or replaced.

7. Furniture. Perhaps the family moving out of the home is downsizing and thus is interested in selling you some furniture. If that includes a bed or two, replace each mattress and box spring, and clean the frame of all dust. If any of the furniture pieces are antiques, they may have been stored in a damp basement or garage at some point and can contain a nearly invisible fuzzy film of mildew growth on solid surfaces, especially the bottoms and backs; there may also be mold growth in cushioning or on upholstery. If you want to accept such hand-me-downs, buy new mattresses, reupholster pieces, and clean solid surfaces. Inheriting someone else’s dust mites and other allergens and irritants shouldn’t be part of the deal.

©2009 Jeffrey C. May

Q. What’s the Problem with Spanking?

In most Western cultures, there’s a longstanding history of permission to spank children. Many of our parents spanked. And most of us hold the perspective that our parents were doing their very best to love us. So whether to spank children or not is a confusing issue—if we turned out OK, and our parents spanked us, then isn’t spanking an acceptable, even desirable way to make sure that children do what’s right?

It seems to me that there are three core questions to ask about spanking. The first is the broader question, what’s the long term effect of spanking on children? The second is, does physical punishment really achieve the goal of controlling a child’s behavior in the moment? And there’s a third important question, seldom asked but certainly relevant and a good place for us to begin: what does spanking do to us as parents?

What does spanking do to the parent?

Most parents feel angry when they spank. An angry person is determined to assert control in a situation, and doing something physical feels like it will bring some relief. So spanking a child may make a parent feel temporarily righteous, back in control, vindicated, and/or satisfied that he did not allow himself to be victimized.

However, there are very few parents who have gazed at their newborn child and thought, “I can hardly wait until I can spank my beautiful daughter!” or “When he gets a little older, it will be so good to have the chance to spank his little bottom.” We know that these statements are absurd! When a parent feels he has no alternative but to spank, he is acting out of desperation: he doesn’t know what else to do. It wasn’t part of his original plan for relating to his precious child.

Parents have to steel themselves emotionally in order to follow through with a spanking. We have to harden our hearts. Or, perhaps more often, a challenging situation that we’ve been trying hard to deal with finally sends us into the emotional badlands, where love can’t be felt. And there, we feel that our child has driven us to spank—it’s too heartbreaking to think that our child was actually asking for our help, and we attacked instead.

Does spanking control a child’s behavior in the short term?

When a child is spanked, his or her limbic system (the emotional center of the brain, and the part of the mind that mediates learning and understanding) goes into alarm mode. The child’s brain clearly perceives spanking as an occasion of danger, and responds accordingly. For the child, it is an experience of being small and unable to control an overwhelming and unpredictable force. In this state, his mind can learn nothing. His prefrontal cortex, the center of reason and judgment, shuts down. Hence, a child’s behavior during and after a spanking is not thoughtful behavior. It’s reactive. The “control” that the parent is striving for has everything to do with fear, and nothing to do with teaching, learning, or a child’s understanding of concepts of right and wrong. What the child “learns” is that, seemingly out of the blue, for reasons he can’t fathom, he has been hit or hurt by a person who loves him. This is a confusing lesson indeed.

Spankings are perceived by a child to be random acts of violence. Over time, they create a wedge of fear and resentment between child and parent. The more time a child spends with his mind shut down by the fear response that physical attack brings, the more reactive his behavior becomes. A vicious cycle results: a fearful child becomes aggressive or withdrawn, the parent spanks in response, the child becomes more frightened, and loses more of his access to his own good judgment.

So, though a spanking may result in a quieter, more cautious child for a few hours, that apparent peace has a high price. A child’s sense of safety, and with it, his ability to reason, to cooperate, to learn, and to trust, are all eroded with every spanking. So is a child’s openness to love from his parent.

What are the long-term effects of spanking?

Many studies have been done on spanking in the United States and in other countries. The evidence is clear that the effects on children are strongly negative. The American Academy of Pediatrics and a long list of other professional societies take a clear stand against the corporal punishment of children, both at home and in the schools.

One large study showed that the more parents spanked children for antisocial behavior, the more the antisocial behavior increased (Straus, Sugarman, & Giles-Sims, 1997). The more children are hit, the more likely they are to hit others including peers and siblings and, as adults, the more likely they are to hit their spouses (Straus and Gelles, 1990; Wolfe, 1987).

Studies show that even a few instances of having been hit as a child are associated with more depressive symptoms in adult life (Strauss, 1994, Strassberg, Dodge, Pettit & Bates, 1994). A landmark meta-analysis of 88 corporal punishment research studies of over six decades showed that corporal punishment of children was associated with negative outcomes, including increased delinquent and antisocial behavior, increased risk of child abuse and spousal abuse, increased risk of child aggression and adult aggression, decreased child mental health and decreased adult mental health (Gershoff, 2002). It has also been shown that corporal punishment has an adverse effect on a child’s cognitive development.

What is a parent to do instead?

We parents need more support than we get. It’s not right that we must repeatedly face parenting issues that drain our patience entirely. It’s not right that there’s no dependable way to restore our emotional balance when we’re beyond frustration. It seems to me that spankings point to our need for more help, more kindness in our own lives, and less worry about our futures and the futures of our children. We want the best for them, and we need better for ourselves, too.

We parents need to listen to each other’s stories, to hear each other out. We need to hear how many troubles an exhausted or frustrated parent has seen. We need to offer each other appreciation for the things we do well. We need someone we’ve built a measure of trust with to hear all about our anger, our worries and our desperate moments. It’s remarkable how much difference the chance to be listened to can make in a parent’s life!

And then, we need to move close to our children, instead of attacking them for their troubles. It’s an unusual thing to do, but to move close, set a limit, and then stay with a child while the passionate feelings pour out is far kinder than punishment. It also helps a child learn from the limit that was set. His mind flushes lots of emotional tension out while you keep things safe around him. And in the end, he knows you love him, and that drive to cross the limit again is gone. You’ve connected with him. His mind has moved from an “I don’t care what they say!” state to feeling like part of the family again.

Listening until the child’s feelings are spent helps a child actually learn from mistakes and poor judgment. At the end of a good cry or tantrum that’s supported by his parent, a child can make sense of what just happened. He understands the limit that was set, and that limit doesn’t leave lingering resentment or anger. Short range, it helps a child rebuild his connection with the parent who listened to him, so his mind works again, right here, right now. And it gives a parent a way to exert real power when a child has gone off track. The parent uses the power of his caring, and the power of his good judgment, to retrieve his child from behavior that wasn’t working for either of them.

Here’s how it can work:

“It’s been really hard. Our four-year-old son has been extra demanding lately. He has been asking for what feels like constant attention and in often unflattering ways. Requests for help come out as demands. He also has been intensely rigid. The shoes aren’t tied right. The hood isn’t just so. All of which have triggered down on the floor tantrums with wails and flailing legs and arms. And they have come some days endlessly one after another even with all our many hours of focused attention.

“To add to it lately, he has started hitting his sister, me and my husband. He only hits at home and never has hit friends or other relatives.

“This morning we could see it coming again. As my husband and I both can feel triggered by the intensity of our son’s rage, especially when it was directed at us, we decided until things shifted, we would work together when we could to help our son through his big feelings. This morning was our second attempt together at helping him, the previous night we had stayed together as well.

“This morning, my husband set the limit and brought him upstairs. I joined him and together we stayed with our son while he flailed on the bed, screaming at us. He didn’t want to hit a pillow or any other object; he wanted to hit one of us, with our faces being the prime target. We kept ourselves safe and reminded him that he was safe. As the feelings intensified, he complained of not being able to breathe when it was clear to us that physically he could breathe. I think that he was having some kind of emotional flashback. We told him we could see he was breathing and that we would make sure he continued to breathe just fine. He pushed hard against us with all his strength. It went on like this for what felt like forever.

“Then he stopped, just stopped and popped up his head. He nuzzled close to me and, with no forethought, I made a circle out of my arms which our son took as an invitation to squirm his way through the circular opening in my arms. Making it safely to the other side, he came back triumphantly to squish his way back through the circle again. He asked to do it again and again. “Tighten your arms this time” he’d request. Each time he made it through he’d smile. Back and forth he’d go between his dad’s arms and mine. Soon his sister, hearing his giggles, joined in and we all had a good laugh on the bed. We needed it. We made it through. I wonder whether, that whole time, he had been working through feelings from his birth. We’ll never know, but he was sure enjoying getting through a tight spot again and again at the end! And he was easy-going for the rest of that day.

Hand in Hand is a parent education non-profit that has been helping families to build the super-protective factor of parent-child connectedness for twenty years.� You can learn more by reading the Listening to Children booklet series by Patty Wipfler or by signing up for our free monthly newsletter, Connecting!

Q. I’m struggling with getting the kids to take some responsibility for all the work that needs to get done at home.� I don’t want to spend all my time fighting with them over chores, but I would love some help around here!

By the time children are about seven years old, most parents have begun to think, “It’s about time she did a little work around here!” and the battles begin. “When are you going to feed the dog?” “That garbage needs to be taken out right now!” “Honey, how many times do I need to ask you to make your bed!”

It’s good to expect children to take part in the work of the household. Children are quite capable, and feel a lot of pride in a job well done. But, like us, they acquire feelings about the jobs they’re expected to do. And when those feelings are negative, children can drain a lot of their parents’ emotional capital on the way to completing their household jobs.

So how can parents set it up so that children do take responsibility for the work of the household? I think there are two main keys to keeping the drudgery out of chores for parents and for children.

All work is worthy work

Our customary attitudes about household jobs can create strong allergies to chores. Because of generations of housework being done mostly by women who were underappreciated and certainly underpaid, feelings that don’t have anything to do with the actual work of cleaning or taking out the garbage get passed on to us through the generations.

Simple jobs have their simple joys: the warmth of the suds in the dishpan and the sight of a happily feasting dog, for instance. But inherited attitudes make these jobs feel like work that isn’t worth an intelligent person’s attention. So no wonder that, when we ask our children to do those jobs, they don’t respond well. Our attitude is contagious, and children catch it as soon as it becomes “their” job. We parents need to do our best to respect ourselves as we do the work of the household. We need to do our best to notice the rewards of the jobs we do. The jobs we do are necessary. Intelligent people do them. They are worth doing well. They are worth our attention.

Do the work together

Part of the problem with chores is that as we grew up, we were made to do our chores alone. So without thinking, we expect our children to do their chores alone, and on our time schedule.

Children aren’t designed for solitary work. They’re designed for fun, for collaboration, and for being noticed. They’re designed for absorbing your presence as you notice their skills and their accomplishments. Watch your four-year-old jump from the arm of the sofa into the middle of the living room carpet again and again while company is over. Watch a seven-year-old race a friend to the end of the street, and turn around to see if you noticed how fast they both went. Your child is showing you that there’s plenty of energy for tasks when they’re fun, when the child has choice about the timing, and when someone is there to see them as they do it. Praise is less important than simply being seen and acknowledged.

So getting jobs done together works much better than sentencing children to solitary work. Rather than, “Please take out the garbage,” try, “Can you grab one end of this sack? It’s really heavy!” and opening a conversation about what might be in there. Getting pairs of family members to tackle tasks together, or having one ten-minute period when everyone does something that needs to be done in the household can keep the feelings of isolation from settling in and turning jobs into drudgery.

Connect, then work

When a child has already caught the “this job is no fun” infection, the remedy can be a short Special Time to strengthen her sense of connection. None of us work well when we feel isolated or unseen. Special Time gives a child the time and the framework in which he or she will be seen, no matter what the choice of things to do.

So around of Special Time can sometimes help a child to tackle an expected job without feeling like it’s a burden. A parent’s story below illustrates how this works.

Lead your family

When children see that the family is working together toward a goal, or working together to make life better for one or more members, they are much better able to understand that doing the work of the household is a form of power. They see that their work contributes to the good of all, that they are appreciated, and that they make life better when they pitch in.

So nightly or weekly Family Meetings, in which parents share their thoughts about the good things that happened in the last week, and the challenges in the coming week, can help children understand their parents’ thinking. It gives them a place to share their own. They see that the family is a group that has direction and leadership. They see that their voices are heard, as ideas are sought on how to handle Dad’s business trip and the help Mom will need, or the fact that Grandma needs her yard tended on Saturday, while several other things need doing too. They feel part of a larger whole. They learn that the jobs aren’t isolated tasks that have to be done by isolated people. They participate in solving problems and can take pride in their contributions.

I know a family that expects each member to say one thing they appreciated about someone else each night at dinner, or to say one thing that went well and one thing that didn’t go well for them that day. The children really come through for each other and for their parents at times during these rounds of appreciations or checking in. The fact that little things are noticed by all helps the children’s perspective on their own importance.

Here’s how children’s attitudes can change

Special Time isn’t guaranteed to turn your child into an instant cleaner-upper! Nothing can promise that result. But it may help you move from trudging through your days separately into more frequent mutual cooperation. Here’s the experience of one parent whose daughter was willing to try a cleanup activity she’d always refused, after a good Special Time.

It’s funny how Special Time helps not just your kid feel more connected with you, it also helps you feel more connected with your kid. One afternoon when I was feeling somewhat down, my ten-year-old daughter asked me for some Special Time. She wanted to wrestle with me. I wasn’t quite ready to get out of my shell, but I went ahead and wrestled with her. She was terrific. We both had a great time wrestling. She decided that I was also a bouncing machine and she bounced on me. She also decided I was a rolling machine and she rolled on top of me. And, mind you, she was eighty-six pounds then, so that’s a lot of weight! It was hard to deal with all that sheer physical force and power. She was relentless and didn’t realize the strength of her own body. But it was so much fun. We laughed and laughed and laughed. And at the end of it, I was out of my shell and she had had a great time connecting with me.

I had a pile of chores to do that afternoon, including scooping a whole bunch of dog poop from the backyard and getting laundry done. For the first time, my daughter came with me to the backyard to help me clean up all the poop. She has a strong sense of smell, so this was something that had always disgusted her, but she was able to overcome her distaste for going near the poop and actually helped me do it. I showed her how to do it so that she wouldn’t have to have any contact with the poop. And she did it! Right after that, she helped with all the laundry and we folded a lot of clothes. I attributed all of this cooperation to the Special Time we had together!

—a mother in Sunnyvale, California

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Hand in Hand is a parent education non-profit that has been helping families to build the super-protective factor of parent-child connectedness for twenty years.� You can learn more by reading the Listening to Children booklet series by Patty Wipfler or by signing up for our free monthly newsletter, Connecting!

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When the brakes slammed on our economy the past year, many of us felt our lives simply spiral out of control.�

The floor dropped out of the aspects of our lives that were on shaky ground prior to 2008, and those things that seemed safe no longer seemed infallible.� In addition, perhaps the ways we once found comfort in the past (like shopping) were no longer advisable or either possible with the tightening credit market.�

Fluff, this is what I call all those things that are simply not necessary in life; and it is probably a good description of how many of us lived – fully enveloped in fluff.� It’s easy to get stuck in fluff when you don’t have any clear cut priorities and goals.� “Wants” rule your emotions, and “needs” are expected.� Not only will this type of living leave us feeling empty, but also broke!

Do you have too much?� Are you always running?� Do you want this year to be more fulfilling than last?� � � The first step in that is to take inventory of your life, and that is my challenge for you this week.� I want you to spend this week focusing on all that you have invested your emotions, money and time.� Refer to the following categories and feel free to add or adjust these to meet your specific needs.�

Material Possessions:� Literally walk through your home and grab your camera.� Don’t clean first; it is time to get real!� Take photos of your jammed closets, cabinets, cluttered cars, toy rooms, kitchen cabinets, piles of magazines, etc.� Print these pictures out and keep them as a visual reminder.� Sometimes viewing things from a photo make us face our reality.

Obligations:� For this week, document the time spent working at your job and/or volunteerism.

Sleep:� Keep a sleep journal and see how many hours you are getting each evening.

Health:� Make an appointment with your Doctor to get a complete health check-up.� We do this for our children every year, but often fail to take care of our own bodies with the same dedication.

Relationships:� Write down a list of all the people in your life and your relationship with them; and the amount of time you spend nurturing them.

Spirituality: � Where do you stand right now in your faith?� This week give this some thought.

I would suggest you document all of the above in a journal.� In order to make a new start towards a more fulfilling life, it is absolutely essential to know where you stand today.� This week please focus on your present situation, next week we will focus on setting priorities and goals and the steps to success.

Happy New Year!

Betsy

2009 is almost here and it’s time to wipe your slate clean, start over and set goals and resolutions for the New Year. One resolution that should be at the top of everyone’s list is to save money and stick to a budget in 2009. Now that the economy is in a full-blown recession it is important to plan ahead and stay on track with your money.

CouponChief.com offers these easy tips to stay on budget in 2009:

- Write down your budget goals: It has been proven that people who write down their goals are much more likely to achieve them. Spend some time at the beginning of the year planning a monthly budget. If there is a month where you know you will spend more money, perhaps due to an important birthday or vacation, be sure to spend less in a different month.

- Find a “Budget Buddy”: After you have written down your budget goals for 2009 share them with a Budget Buddy. Encourage them to share their budget as well so you can hold each other accountable. A Budget Buddy can be anyone from a spouse to a trusted friend. At the end of each month, check in with your Budget Buddy and tell them if you have stayed on track. If you are not comfortable sharing actual numbers, you can share percentages, for example, “I was under budget by 4% this month.” By working together and keeping each other in check, you will be more likely to stay on course.

- Write out a list before you shop: Before heading to the mall write out a list of items you need to purchase and the stores you need to visit to buy these products. Making a list of exactly what you need before you shop is a great way to keep your spending in check and prevent impulse purchases. Train yourself to NOT buy anything that’s not on your list. You will also be able to shop more quickly by going to only the stores you need to visit, saving money and valuable time.

- Don’t buy anything at full price unless it’s absolutely necessary: With the current economy and slowdown in consumer spending, retailers are doing everything in their power to get you to open your wallet by offering great deals and promotions. Take the time to comparison shop before you make a purchase. Use the internet to research prices before you head to the store so you know you are getting the best deal out there. With so many discounts and promotions, there is no reason to pay full price.

- Clip coupons and use online coupon codes: Along with cutting back prices, more and more retailers are offering coupons and online discount codes. There are several ways to find these coupons including searching in the Sunday paper, signing up for email newsletters from your favorite retailers and searching online coupon sites.

The start of the New Year is a great motivator to get your spending in check. Be sure to check out CouponChief.com before making any online purchases for the best discount codes that will help you stay on budget through the year.

Q. My wonderful, energetic, 4-year-old boy has picked up some wonderfully expressive behaviors from his Transformers, Power Rangers, Iron Man and watching friends at school. His latest play involves pretend shooting and “booming” with his hands, with sound effects, dying people, pretend-cutting people and the lot. His preschool teacher tells me that it’s becoming more and more the play at his public preschool, which has zero tolerance for gunplay. It’s so very, very taxing and upsetting, and I don’t know what the “right” thing to do is.

Good for you for asking this question: it’s an important one, both for your son, and for the boys of our society!

Here’s my take on what I will call “combat play.” I date myself when I say that in my childhood, the “Taming of the West,” which we now know involved the genocide of Native Americans, was the main theme of TV and movie drama. The Lone Ranger, Cisco the Kid, Roy Rogers, and Davy Crockett had adventures, and sometimes fought the “bad guys.” We kids had cap pistols, holsters, bows and “arrows,” hideouts, and did lots of running around as we played out the roles we had seen. When we got old enough, we were allowed to have BB guns! The dramas we saw involved some shooting and capturing bad guys, but they also involved friendship. The Lone Ranger had Tonto and his horse Silver; Roy Rogers had a large cast of sidekicks. These partners provided humor and loyalty. They helped the hero solve problems in every episode. We didn’t have to worry about our frontier heroes: they weren’t riding alone.

“Parents Strongly Cautioned”

Many of the dramas being played out today that, literally, capture the minds of children are fierce, fraught with isolation and scary images, heavily sexualized, and shockingly violent. Real humans are almost unrecognizable in these fantasies. “Children’s” picture books of Batman, Spiderman, and The Hulk are full of grotesquely exaggerated bodies and frightening, outsized foes whose teeth are long and sharp, whose saliva froths all over the page, and whose eyes burn with murderous intensity. The women companions are bursting out of their skin-tight suits, have tiny waists and melon-sized busts, and bring no mercy or tenderness to a child’s imagination. The movies about these characters are dark with evildoers. Even jaded grownups come away feeling that they’ve seen a new depth of hellish existence on the screen.

These images are harmful for children. Many parents don’t realize that these intense, threatening tableaus are interpreted as real experiences in children’s minds. They create a frightening backdrop to everyday life. They cause bad dreams. They cause children to feel less secure in the world. They haunt children’s imaginations. And children don’t “grow out” of the fears they acquire when they’re exposed to this kind of mental pollution.

Videos and movies, in particular, install messages that are very difficult to erase. The attacks of the shark and the deep-sea fish in Finding Nemo, for example, create a sudden, frightening experience that injects fear into a child’s mind very nearly as deeply as if he were the tiny fish being threatened. The emotional center of a child’s mind can’t tell the difference between the movie or video and reality. In fact, your child won’t be able to reliably remember that he’s seeing a movie until he’s in his teens.

Keep your child away from superhero videos, movies, and books

You want your child to have a sense of safety and love in his life. You want him to retain his natural kindness, his ability to be tender, his sense of injustice when people are hurt or mistreated. You want him to be able to trust other people’s good will. You want him to embrace the world as a place full of possibilities. So don’t expose him to fictional harshness, which his mind processes as real harshness. Don’t fill his mind with images of one person, fighting alone against threats from every corner. Our world has been scarred enough by this mental model. Don’t install fears that are difficult and time-consuming to dislodge.

I highly recommend previewing every video aimed at your child, and letting other parents know that you don’t allow your child to watch videos on play dates. The images of peril, the isolation of the “hero,” the onslaught of fantastic foes, each one more terrible that the last, don’t offer the kind of experience that empowers our children.

Instead, choose videos, books, and comics that have the tone that Sesame Street sets: a friendly community, mutual help, humor, and bad guys who are no worse than silly Grover in his garbage can! If we are to work together as a human community, we need children raised with warm community experiences of play and cooperation.

Children freeze when they’re scared, and cry later to heal

Children’s minds don’t grasp evil. They don’t grasp unkindness. They don’t grasp harshness. They can’t even shake off a slightly edgy comment from you on a stressful day. “Put on your boots now!” can cause a young child to collapse in tears. And that’s a good thing! Children who cry when threatened are offloading the emotional tension that has assaulted their delicate systems. A good cry at that moment, or later, over a drop of spilled milk or a broken cookie, (or, if a child has just seen a “children’s movie,” the crying he does in a bad dream) is the healthiest thing your child can do. He needs you to listen. To care. To provide the safety that was shaken at the moment he was frightened. Put your arms around him and let him cry, long and hard. It’s the fastest, most efficient way to help his mind free itself of that fear.

But most children can’t respond at the moment they see a frightening image. They get wide-eyed, and their mind freezes. They do what animals have been doing for millennia—they go quiet and wait for the danger to pass. So they don’t say anything about the scary part of the video, or the horrible eyes of the comic book character on the page. They wait for the scene to change, for the page to turn. But those images stick.

Combat play is often heavily scripted

So later, children engage in combat play, in an attempt to portray and work through their fears. But each child in play is carrying his own frightening image and has his own scenario. So combat play often amounts to several children playing a similar game, with each child, in reality, playing almost alone. Each child is tense. Each child insists that other kids have to play the game the way he sees it. So eventually, there are hurt feelings. And the play can become hurtful, because children’s minds are saturated with the harmful images they want to recover from. They don’t have enough awareness left over to keep track of each other. I wouldn’t call this play, in the true cooperative sense of the word.

When combat play dissolves into upset, if an adult will simply embrace the crying child and listen to how he feels, rather than trying to legislate turns or forbid the game, the fears that drive the play, at least for that child, can be relieved.

Forbidding combat play in large groups may be necessary

Forbidding combat play, one strategy adopted by some parents, schools and preschools, does prevent children from hurting each other as they try to portray their fears in play. It can be the wisest thing to do in a group situation, where there are few adults and safety must be maintained. But children’s appetite for this kind of play remains strong. The fears are still lodged in their minds, and play is their instinctive bid to shake those fears.

When you’re geared up to help, enter into the play and elicit laughter

If your child is full of superhero energy, make a safe place for his imagination to run free! He needs to be able to show you his enthusiasms, and he needs a kind, energetic, thoughtful adult to steer the play toward laughter, and to set limits on the rough edges that might emerge. During Special Time or family playtime, enter the play with your child with enthusiasm. You’ll find yourself cast as his “victim” over and over again. He’ll make you the monster he captures, he’ll shoot you, he’ll put you in jail, he’ll burn you with “fire,” he’ll “cut your head off” with his sword. Let him play out these fantasies. He is letting you know what experiences he’s had in the fictional world that have troubled him. You’re learning the details of the scenarios that are imprinted on his mind.

In the midst of the play, do what you can to elicit laughter, which helps to diminish the storehouse of fears he carries. You do this by playfully exaggerating his power, and your plight. Don’t go stoically to your fate! Protest (with a warm, generous tone). Offer a bit of a fight. Try to run away. Give him a chance to try hard to get you. And do goofy, affectionate things to ward off his violence. Say loudly to yourself, “Gee, that guy wants to cut off my head! Maybe if I pet him a little, maybe he will put down his sword!” You catch him and pet him and he laughs and wriggles away. But of course, he doesn’t put down his sword. So you say, “Akk! Petting didn’t work! Maybe he needs a big hug!”

Twenty minutes of play can give you twenty chances to try the “love cure” for your superhero. Or you can say, “Hey, when you shoot me, I just get this feeling I have to love you! And kiss you! A big, wet one!” Or when you’re languishing in “jail,” you can reach out, grab his ankle, and say, “Oh, what a sweet little foot! I’m so lonesome here in jail, I just have to kiss this little foot!” Dr. Lawrence J. Cohen describes this approach beautifully in his book, Playful Parenting. (Be sure not to tickle to trigger laughter. Earn your child’s laughter with affection.)

Your attempts to counter combat with affection will bring a good tussle, which you can lose again and again. But most likely, there will be lots of laughter as you try to get close to your superhero. That laughter is healing. That laughter will relax him, bit by bit, and help take the urgency out of his play.

When children play in groups, willing adults can arrange combat play that’s safe, fun, and laughter-filled. Balloon battles, pillow fights, and sock fights, with grownups serving as the main “targets,” and keeping things safe and affectionate, are ways to engage children in combat play that acknowledges their appetite for it. Whatever laughter you secure reduces their fears and isolation. Children win together, without targeting each other. As they team up, they laugh and “get” the grownups. Tension releases. They regain their sense that the world is a safe place. And they have great affection for any grownup who plays with them in this way.

Get laughter going, and listen to crying, to replace fear with the safety you provide.

In summary, the real problem is not with the actual toys a child plays with, but with the images and feelings that are stuck in his mind. The fascination with combat play is a flag your child waves saying, “I’ve been frightened by fictional experiences, and I want to work this through!”

You have the power to help! Just keep remembering that toy guns aren’t real, that fantasies of cutting off your head are your child telling you what he’s witnessed in his mind’s eye. They indicate some gunk in your child’s mind, but there’s no real threat to you, or to anyone else, as long as you’re there to keep things safe.

We have more information on helping children release their fears in play in our booklet, Healing Children’s Fears, a part of the Listening to Children series available here.

Good fats for better fertility

Once upon a time, and not that long ago, fat was a four-letter word. Diet and nutrition gurus told us (and some still tell us) to cut back on fat whenever and wherever possible. Millions of Americans have dutifully followed that advice. Guided by the low-fat mantra, we tossed out salad dressings and mayonnaise made with olive oil or canola oil in favor of fat-free versions made with extra sugar. We replaced other fats in the diet with carbohydrates, usually the rapidly digested ones in white flour, potatoes, white rice, and sugar. This purge didn’t make us any healthier. It had no effect on heart disease, its intended target. And it may have contributed to the epidemic of obesity sweeping the country.

The big problem with the low-fat approach is that not all fats are bad. Let me say that again, because it runs against what we’ve been hearing for years: Not. All. Fats. Are. Bad. In fact, some fats are downright good for you. This good fat–bad fat dichotomy applies to fertility, too. Some types of fat can help you get pregnant, others get in the way:

• Artery-clogging trans fats contribute to infertility.
• Saturated fat has little effect on fertility, but isn’t so hot for your heart.
• Unsaturated fats are good for fertility, and they’re important for pregnancy, a baby’s healthy development, and long-term heart health.

Out with the bad

Trans fat, the “stealth” fat found in many foods, harms the body in a variety of ways. It boosts the amount of artery-clogging low-density lipoprotein (LDL, or bad cholesterol) in circulation, depresses the amount of protective high-density lipoprotein (HDL, or good cholesterol), promotes low-grade inflammation, and increases the tendency of blood to form clots inside blood vessels. Trans fats are so bad for the heart that eliminating them from the food supply could prevent tens of thousands� of heart attacks, strokes, and other cardiovascular events each year in the United States alone. Trans fats are just as harmful to reproduction. In the Nurses’ Health Study, the participants who ate the most trans fats were the most likely to have developed ovulatory infertility. An effect was seen at the fairly low level of about four grams a day, an amount you can easily exceed with a small order of fast-food fries.

The Institute of Medicine says there’s no safe level of trans fats, and recommends getting less than two grams a day. Foods that contain trans fats include solid margarines, vegetable shortening, some commercial baked goods, and some fast foods. Until 2006, it was tough to tell if a food contained trans fat because it wasn’t listed on food labels along with saturated fat and cholesterol. Today, food labels must carry information about trans fats (see figure). This change has food makers scrambling to find trans-free fats for their products.

A loophole in the law lets food companies say “no trans fat” on the package and list zero trans fat on the label as long as the food contains less than 0.5 grams of per serving. So if you’re serious about clearing trans fats from your diet, you need to squint at food labels’ fine print, where the ingredients are listed. If “partially hydrogenated vegetable oil” or “vegetable shortening” appears in the list, the food contains some trans fat.

Detecting trans fats in a restaurants isn’t as easy, since they don’t have to provide nutrition information about the food they serve. You’re in luck if you live in New York City or Boston, which have banned restaurants from using oils containing trans fats. California is set to phase out trans fats by 2011. Other cities and states are certain to follow suit. One good strategy is avoiding deep-fried foods when eating out, since many restaurants still use partially hydrogenated vegetable oils in their fryers. A KFC Chicken Pot Pie, for example, has 14 grams of trans fat. A Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Biscuit with a large order of hash browns at Burger King gives you 18 grams, nearly 10 times the daily healthy limit. Other examples are here.

Moderation in the middle

Saturated fats aren’t across-the-board bad for you like trans fats are. A healthy diet can include some saturated fat. Just don’t overdo it.

In the Nurses’ Health Study, women whose diets included a lot of saturated fat were no more likely to have had ovulatory infertility as women whose diets were low in saturated fat. That isn’t a green light to chow down on foods rich in saturated fat. It strongly influences cholesterol levels, and thus heart health. To stay strong for the baby you hope to be carrying—and the grandchildren you may someday have—go easy on saturated fats. For someone who takes in 2,000 calories a day, that means keeping saturated fat intake under 17 grams. That’s the amount in a fast-food cheeseburger, a three-ounce sirloin steak, or a half slice of a Cheesecake Factory Chocolate Mousse cheesecake.

In with the good

Two fat families—the monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fats—are essential for good health. They’re to be embraced, not avoided. That’s doubly true for the group of unsaturated fats known as omega-3 fats. They are especially important for fertility, pregnancy, a baby’s healthy development, and long-term heart health.

Monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fats benefit the body in many ways. They lower levels of harmful LDL and increase protective HDL. Monounsaturated fats improve the body’s sensitivity to insulin and ease inflammation. Omega-3 polyunsaturated fats are an important part of cell membranes, and so help regulate what goes in and out of cells. They provide the body with the raw material for hormones that regulate blood clotting, the contraction and relaxation of artery walls, and inflammation. Babies need omega-3 fats to make connections between nerves, both in the womb and after birth. Later in life, omega-3 fats help the heart beat steadily and not lapse into erratic and potentially deadly rhythms.

Good sources of monounsaturated fats are olive oil, peanut oil, canola oil, avocados, nuts such as cashews and almonds, and seeds such as sesame and pumpkin seeds. Good sources of polyunsaturated fats include vegetable oils, especially corn, soybean, and safflower oils; soybeans and other beans; and walnuts. Make it a point to get some omega-3 fats every day. Good sources of these include fatty fish such as tuna, salmon, herring, and anchovies. (In a separate column I’ll try to clear up the confusion about eating fish.) Plants that are good sources of omega-3s include chia seeds (sold as Salvia), flax seeds and flaxseed oil, walnuts and walnut oil.

More detailed information on the health effects of fats in food are available from the Harvard School of Public Health’s NutritionSource.

Next up: Slow carbs for fertility, not no carbs�

How Diet Affects Fertility

You’ve probably been hearing for years that what you eat and how you live affect the health of your heart and blood vessels, your chances of developing certain kinds of cancer, the strength of your bones, and more. What about fertility—can what you eat help you get pregnant? It certainly makes sense. After all, the reproductive system is subject to the same influences as the circulatory system, nervous system, and others.

Farmers, ranchers, and animal scientists know a fair amount about how nutrition affects fertility in cows, pigs, sheep, chickens, and other commercially important animals. But until recently, fertility experts knew next to nothing about whether food and fertility are linked in humans. That hasn’t stopped folks from offering advice on what to eat to get pregnant. There are a few infertility diet books in circulation, and the Internet is rife with dietary advice for couples trying to get pregnant. But their recommendations—eat oysters, yams, kelp, and garlic; go organic; stop drinking coffee and alcohol—are scatter-shot approaches based on limited information.

The first systematic study of diet, lifestyle, and fertility has revealed several common-sense strategies, and at least one surprising approach, that can help women avoid ovulatory infertility. This type of infertility stems from trouble making mature eggs or releasing eggs at the right time. It is the single most common cause of infertility in America today.

This work is part of the landmark Nurses’ Health Study, the grandmother of research into women’s health. It is based on information supplied by nearly 19,000 women who were trying to get pregnant at one time or another over an eight-year period. The results were initially published in respected, peer-reviewed medical journals such as the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, Human Reproduction, and Fertility & Sterility. Rather than have this information languish in medical journals, we decided to get it to the people who need it the most—women and couples having trouble getting pregnant. So I helped researchers Jorge Chavarro and Walter Willett, both of the Harvard School of Public Health, compile the findings, translate them from science speak, and add some recipes. The end result was The Fertility Diet (McGraw-Hill, 2007), which offers a natural way to boost ovulation and improve the odds of getting pregnant.

The plan described in The Fertility Diet doesn’t guarantee a pregnancy any more than in vitro fertilization or other forms of assisted reproduction. But it helps restore the balance of hormones essential for reproduction provides a nutritionally receptive environment for conception and the survival of a fertilized egg. The Fertility Diet focuses on:

• avoiding harmful fats and choosing healthful ones
• switching to whole grains and other slowly digested carbohydrates
• eating more vegetable protein, like beans and nuts, and less animal protein
• taking a multi-vitamin that contains folic acid and other B vitamins, and getting plenty of iron from fruits, vegetables, beans and supplements (not from red meat)
• picking the right beverages
• getting into the “fertility zone” for weight and exercise
• and for women who drink milk or eat dairy foods, choosing the best ones

In the Nurses’ Health Study, women who said their diets or lifestyles included five or more of the ten steps described in The Fertility Diet were 84% less likely to have had ovulatory infertility as women who didn’t practice any of them.

The steps we describe are virtually free, available to everyone, and have no negative side effects. They work for women who have neverf had a child as well as for those experiencing secondary infertility. Best of all, they set the stage for a healthy pregnancy and form the foundation of a healthy eating strategy for motherhood and beyond. That’s a winning combination no matter how you look at it.

I’ll outline the plan in installments that focus on different parts of a fertility boosting plan, from fats and carbs to beverages and exercise. First up: Fats and fertility.

How do you know if your child is ready for a sleepover?
Your child will be most ready to sleep away from home between the ages of 9 – 11. If your child expresses a desire to have a sleepover at a younger age, try considering a half-night sleep party – you can pick them up at 11:00 pm in their jammies! It is important that you know the parents well who are hosting the party. Personal safety is of utmost importance when sending your child away for long periods.

Preparing a child for a sleepover
Helpful questions to ask yourself:

• Is your child evening or routine savvy?
• Can they get themselves all ready for bed on their own?
• Here is a great way to get some more information about your child’s readiness: ask your sitter how they handle their nighttime routine. If the sitter claims that they are completely independent, then: It’s a go! Yay, send them on their merry way!

Signs that it is too soon for a sleepover
If your child needs a lot of attention and assistance during their bedtime routine, or has a fear of the dark or unfamiliar people, then you may want to wait. If your child wets the bed you may want to hold off until they have mastered dry nights. Embarrassment should never be part of a sleepover, especially if you are not there to help them.

Sending a child to a sleepover

• Pack up a familiar toy, pillow, blanket or family picture to add a sense of comfort.
• Pack a flashlight, digital camera or cool book or game to share

Go over rules for which you’d like your child to follow:

• Listen to the parents
• Sleep when parents ask them to
• Speak up if they need any assistance
• Feel free to call home at anytime, to say goodnight or to be picked up
• Have lots of fun!

Hosting a sleepover

• Keep it small and manageable
• Greet the parents and the children
• Know of any food restrictions/allergies, medications and special needs of each child
• Go over the rules and let them know where the bathrooms are
• Have activities ready for the evening (games, books, DVD’s etc)
• Set up a snack area with fun and healthy snacks
• Create cool area for them to camp out in and set up their bags (have a little light on in case they need to walk to the bathroom)
• Pass phone around for each child to say “Good Night” to their family
• When lights are out, let the silliness begin
• Give a few minute warning as to when you’d like them to actually sleep
• Have breakfast food readily available for when the morning munchies set in!
• Give parents an exact time for which the party ends

For more information visit www.TheGoToMom.TV

The toughest part about working out can be having the motivation to do it. Here are 10 simple tips to get you movin’ and motivated!

1. Reframe exercise as “me time”. Instead of viewing exercise as another thing to do, start seeing exercise as the one ½ -1 hour of time just for you. When you start to view exercise as “me time” you’ll actually want to do it!

2. Find exercise that you enjoy doing. There are so many activities to chose from including walking, jogging, biking, hiking, yoga, pilates, dancing, swimming and more. Don’t be afraid to try something new, there’s got to be something that you enjoy! When you do what you enjoy you’ll be more likely to stick with it.

3. Set small attainable goals. For example, instead of focusing on the ultimate goal of 30-45 min. of cardio 4-5 times per week, focus on walking 10 min. the first day, 12 min. the second and so on. When you set small goals you’ll accomplish them and this will give you personal motivation to do more.

4. Take a workout class. You’ll feel motivated to workout with the high energy of others working out with you.

5. Put your workout clothes out the night before. This will serve as an exercise reminder when you wake up.

6. Workout with a buddy. Friends will hold you accountable plus you’ll enjoy each other’s company.

7. Workout with upbeat music. The upbeat tempo will increase your energy and your pace.

8. Get a good DVD. No more excuses about not having the time to get to the gym. There are so many fun, creative DVD’s to chose from, including salsa dancing, high energy yoga, toning, weight training and more. The best part is you can workout in the comfort of your own home!

9. Workout with your kids. Kids love to be active so why not go for a hike, roller blade, or bike ride? If you’ve got a young baby start taking him or her on walks with you. Pushing the stroller up and down hills will add the added resistance for even greater muscle tone.

10. Focus on how good you feel after you exercise. After you workout take a minute to reflect on how good you feel mentally and physically after exercising. The more you connect positive emotions with exercise the more you’ll want to do it.

**Did you know that exercise is addictive? Because exercise produces feel good hormones called endorphins your body will quickly get hooked on exercise! In as little as 2 weeks of working out 3-5 times per week for a min. of 20 min. you will begin to miss exercise if you skip a day.

I recently received this question from a mom who needed help planning for healthy feeding for her toddler while their family was traveling and staying in hotels overseas. It is a common challenge among parents to find nutritious foods while on the go, so I thought I would share in case you are planning one more trip during the last few days of summer or brainstorming easy preschool and day care snacks.

“We are searching for ideas for feeding our little one while staying in hotel rooms during our time in abroad. We know that it is going to be hard to do much in the way of food preparation. Any advice or suggestions for feeding him while on the go?”

In general, toddlers can eat most of the same foods as adults, just in smaller portions, softer versions, and with fewer spices. When you are stopping at restaurants for a bite, most countries have a menu version of a side pasta dish with tomato or cheese sauce, chicken tenders, or slices of bread, meats and cheese. Look for fruit and vegetable options also such as a chopped fruit and yogurt cup, slice of vegetable pizza, or cup of vegetable soup with crackers or grated cheese.

Healthy snacks for stocking in the car and hotel room are whole grain crackers, dry low sugar cereal, and maybe non-refrigerated fruits and vegetables such as bananas, apples, raisins, tomatoes, or raw green beans. Toddlers love to dip foods, so look for some ketchup or other local condiment that he can try dipping. Single serving cups of yogurt and applesauce are also very nutritious and portable.

If you have a kitchen in the hotel or can get baked potatoes or sweet potatoes, you can try mashing or slicing those with yogurt or dip. Iron fortified rice cereal is an excellent staple food, as is oatmeal. Another option is to look for canned, low sodium vegetable and chicken soups to serve. You can drain the broth and serve the contents as finger food. Once you arrive at your destination and know what foods are easily available to purchase, check the grocery aisles for shelf stable foods and beverages. Always choose pasteurized beverages.

Keep an eye on your toddler for any allergic reaction when you are serving a foreign food. The most common allergenic foods are eggs, soy, wheat, fish, shellfish, tree nuts, peanuts, and cow milk. If you don’t know his history with these foods, introduce one at a time and watch for any type of reaction such as hives, wheezing, or diarrhea.

Herring is a very common fish abroad and it is very nutritious. Stir some canned herring together with cream cheese and serve it on sliced bread or crackers. Watch to see if your toddler reacts to the fish, but if he’s OK with it, that is a perfect source of healthy omega three fats and protein. In the U.S., we have other canned fish options such as canned salmon, light chunk canned tuna, or sardines. I know it sounds horrible, but you never know till you try it! This month’s recipe is a surprise winner, donated by the Colorado State University Omega 3 for Baby and Me research program.

Omega 3 Spaghetti
1 (16 oz.) package spaghetti noodles
1 (25 oz.) jar your favorite spaghetti sauce
1 (8 oz.) package sliced mushrooms
2 small zucchinis, sliced
3 (2 oz.) packages sardines
Grated parmesan cheese, optional

In large saucepan, sauté sliced mushrooms and zucchini. Cook noodles according to directions on package. Add spaghetti sauce and sardines to vegetable mixture. Stir to break up sardines. Cook until sauce is heated through. Toss noodles and sauce in large serving bowl. Serve with Parmesan cheese, if desired.

Do your children interrupt you when you’re talking? Does the house seem completely quiet until you pick up the phone, and then your children immediately demand your attention? Have you ever attempted to have an important conversation with your spouse, but the kids couldn’t seem to leave you alone? If so, then you’re experiencing a common frustration for many parents: the interruption disruption.

So what can parents do about this situation? How do we get our children to stop interrupting without sending them the message that we don’t want to hear what they have to say?

The key to handling the interruption disruption lies in teaching children how and when to speak up. Simply put, if you want a behavior, you have to teach a behavior. Children do not understand when interrupting is or is not appropriate. Nor do they often demonstrate the skills that will enable them to speak up effectively when it is appropriate. They don’t understand the power of words and how to use them to create positive change in their lives.

To help your children learn to curb the interrupting habit, start with these steps.

Step 1 – Create a signal. Before you find yourself in the situation where interrupting occurs, establish a signal or sign that your children can use to let you know they want to talk to you. You might try having them place a hand on your shoulder or touch you gently on the side. These are signals used by many parents.

Step 2 – Practice the signal. Practice the signal several times by role-playing before putting it into use. Then have a few of your friends or relatives call you on the telephone when your children are around. See how it works, and debrief as needed.

Step 3 – Teach children the difference between important and unimportant reasons to interrupt. Talk to your children about what is and what isn’t an acceptable reason to interrupt. One acceptable reason is if someone is hurt or in danger. If your son witnesses a dangerous situation, teach him to communicate it quickly and directly. Give him some starter words that will tip you off that he is communicating potential danger. “Mom, I see danger,” “Shannon needs help,” or “Trouble alert” work well as clues that danger is at hand.

Unless there is immediate danger, inform your children that you will turn your attention to them when a break in the conversation allows. This means that they might have to wait fifteen or twenty seconds after they give you the signal as outlined in step one. Once you feel or see the signal, you don’t have to immediately end your discussion and attend to your child. However, fifteen seconds is a long time in the mind of a young child who is working on being patient, so you want to move in that direction quickly. It is important that you practice this scenario, too. If you wait several minutes after getting the signal before you give your child attention, you will sabotage the entire process.

Step 4 – Give friendly reminders to encourage use of the signal. Your children will not automatically start using the signal the first time they feel like interrupting. You will need to remind them as they learn this new behavior. “Michael, that’s interrupting. Please use the signal we practiced” and “Angel, touch me on the shoulder if you are wanting my attention right now” are examples of ways to encourage a return to signal use.

Have patience with this fourth step. Be ready for some misuse and some forgetting of the signal. It is going to take your children time to learn that you have not forgotten them and that you will attend to their need in a timely fashion. Children are used to the world revolving around them, and it is often difficult for them to wait while you meet some of your needs. When they regularly experience having you slowly stop your conversation, attend to their need, and then return to your conversation, they will realize they are still connected to you and that you are still available to them.

It may also take time for you to remember to respond to the signal quickly and give appropriate reminders to your children. Keep refining the process until it works smoothly for all concerned. Remember, the end result of your effort is a child who grows into an adult who knows how and when to interrupt. By implementing the above strategies with respect, patience, and understanding we help our children gain skill and confidence when speaking up for themselves.

Imagine your child’s life being put at risk by something you bought to protect her. That’s exactly what happened to George DeCell.

Those outlet plugs you have all over your house in the name of child-proofing? Turns out they could do more harm than good.

After George removed an outlet plug in order to vacuum the house, his one year old daughter Sage reached onto the kitchen table and grabbed it. “When I turned around she was on the floor unable to breath,” says George who then saved his daughter’s life. “It
took less than a minute for this to happen.”

George was so outraged that a product sold to protect children could harm them he has spent more than four years fighting to remove the standard sized plugs from the market to ensure that another child is not injured. What’s more, George also designed a patent-pending safe solution: SafetyCaps.

Whereas standard small outlet plugs measure 1 3/8 inches wide, SafetyCaps measure 2 1/4 inches and include air holes inspired by the US government’s pacifier anti-choking recommendations.

And for about $10 for a whole-house solution, this purchase is a no-brainer. Learn more and buy at www.safetycaps.com

Over the years that I’ve dispensed financial advice, I’ve never distinguished much between the genders. It’s always been my attitude that an investment approach which suits a man should equally suit a woman. I’ve reasoned that a dollar in the hands of Jack is no different than in the hands of Jill, inasmuch as they both tumble down the hill together.

It appears, however, that I’ve been overlooking something. A provocative book by Lois P. Frankel, PhD, a business consultant and psychotherapist, titled Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich: 75 Avoidable Mistakes Women Make with Money, points out numerous factors that my male chauvinist focus fails to consider. She explains that “Our [women’s] real roles revolve less around money and more around relationships,” adding that “throughout our lives we’re given multiple, often conflicting, messages. This double bind causes little girls to limit their interest in acquiring wealth.” She further stresses that “if you don’t think rich, you certainly don’t consciously engage in behaviors that will contribute to getting rich.”

Dr. Frankel’s book—of which I’ve now completed its entire 283 pages—demonstrates her sound understanding of both economics and the feminine approach to wealth. Perhaps it’s time I altered a few of my previous financial recommendations. There are four specific areas of advice I want to direct in ways to better address my women readers.

1. Generosity. If, as suggested, you are more sensitive than men by nature, then channel your caring attitude in ways less financially detrimental. Don’t loan or give money or possessions to friends or relatives. Instead, express your generosity in ways that don’t cost anything. Personal letters expressing condolence, congratulations, or regrets in lieu of loans of money or gifts will give you satisfaction without the sting. You may be equally generous with smiles, compliments, and expressions of understanding without an inclination to dip into your handbag.

2. Knowledge. Once you’ve made an effort to objectively investigate a matter, don’t presume that others—particularly men—know more about the subject than you. This is especially true of stock brokers, insurance representatives, real estate agents, and financial advisers of all varieties. It’s probably equally so in dealings with assorted clerks, vendors, and shopkeepers. Most importantly, there is no one with a greater interest in your own well-being than you. Your actions should reflect that reality. Rely upon your judgment and remember always that if something does not make sense to you, presume it to be senseless.

3. Expenditures. Evidently social pressures that bear heavily on the female community can lead to unwise spending. Dr. Frankel describes the lack of sales resistance many women exhibit and recommends that impulse buying can be better controlled by making a list before you shop and always sleep on purchases that exceed $250. I have an additional suggestion that may prove even more failsafe. We cannot deny that much unwarranted spending is the result of a universal proliferation of credit cards—one of the more insidious devices that ever tempted the unwary. For this reason, if you cannot control your purchases, you’ll do well to destroy your credit cards and conduct your life on a cash basis. The inconvenience it will cause will be preferable to a lifetime in the plastic jungle.

4. Assets. No one should arrive at the later years of life without an assured stash of assets. This is in keeping with the shrewd advice of that skeptical heroine Lorelei Lee, portrayed by Carol Channing in Styne and Robin’s Broadway musical Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, where she offers these delightful lyrics:

Time goes on and youth is gone,
and you can’t straighten up when you bend.
But stiff back or stiff knees, you stand straight at Tiffany’s.
Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

Lorelei’s opinion as to reliance on we males of the species is also well presented.

He’s your guy when stocks are high,
but beware when they start to descend.
It’s then that those louses go back to their spouses.
Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

This requires that you get to work early so to amass what you’ll need. An individual IRA account (Roth, if you can swing it) into which you systematically accumulate suitable securities over your productive lifetime is a reasonable way to go about it. Although I prefer interest-bearing investments such as CDs, treasuries, or corporate bonds, the acquisition of no-load index funds through low-fee institutions such as Fidelity, Vanguard, or T. Rowe Price, is an acceptable substitute.

I’ll say no more, except to apologize for my past omissions. In the future I will endeavor to give greater consideration to the proclivities of the fairer sex.

No one wants a child crawling around on dust and grime, so we vacuum carpets and mop kitchen floors.

But what about the contaminants we can’t see, lurking in unexpected places? How do we get rid of these potential irritants and allergens, before they become airborne and we begin to sneeze, cough and wheeze?

1. A refrigerator can contaminate your kitchen air. The coils at the back or bottom can be coated with moldy dust or cat dander. If your appliance has a drip tray, it can contain bacteria, mold and yeast. Every time the appliance turns on, by-products of this growth can become airborne. Clean the coils twice a year with a HEPA (high efficiency particulate arrestance) vacuum. Use a 36-inch vacuum crevice tool to get to hard-to-reach surfaces. Wash the drip tray twice a year. If the tray is plastic, putting two tablespoons of salt in the tray will help inhibit microbial growth.

2. Radiators and baseboard convectors can be moldy. These surfaces get dusty and can even contain pet dander and mold, so should be HEPA vacuumed every year before the heat is turned on.

3. Air registers can cover all sorts of surprises. At various times when I lifted up a register to look inside a duct for a heating or cooling system, I’ve seen a half-eaten donut, cat and dog hair, an empty coffee cup, children’s toys, dog food, and of course what I usually expect to see – moldy dust. HEPA vacuum under your registers once or twice a year.

4. Don’t forget cabinet kick spaces. I’ve seen filthy, mold-covered kick spaces in houses with gleaming floors. Vacuum these hidden nooks, and twice a year, wipe them clean with a suitable household cleaner.

5. Portable humidifiers can contain mold. Use a warm-mist humidifier that boils the water and doesn’t get moldy.

6. Pets are dust mops. Long fur and hair captures dust. Keep your pet clean. If your son or daughter is allergic to pet dander, the animal should not be allowed in your child’s bedroom. Cushioned dog beds can become infested with dust mites, and then dust-mite allergens travel with the dog into your children’s laps or beds, or onto your couch. Use a folded blanket for the dog’s bed, and wash the blanket weekly.

7. Dust mites like fish tanks. Dust mites thrive in humid environments. Fish tank covers are moist and often covered with fish-food flakes: gourmet treats to a dust mite. Try not to spill fish-food flakes when you feed the fish, and keep the tank cover clean. If your child is allergic to dust mites, don’t put a fish tank in his or her bedroom.

8. Some air purifiers aren’t so pure. Ionizing air purifiers produce ozone, a gas that may smell like fresh, outdoor air, but ozone can be irritating to breathe. Keep the surfaces in your house clean, rather than try to “clean the air.”

©2008 Jeffrey C. May