Q.� � I really want to connect with the kids this Summer when we’re less busy. I would love some relaxed ‘down time’ with just the family but don’t want the kids to complain the whole time that they’re bored. What do you suggest?

What do you remember of the lazy days of summer when you were a child? What were the best times? What did you look forward to all year long? What new experiences did you have that taught you new things about the world, your talents, and yourself?

For parents in two-job and three-job households, the anticipation of the fun of summer is lost in the pressured rush of figuring out child care, camps, and whether or not a vacation is financially possible this year. But it’s important to think, for a moment, about what opportunities summer does bring, both conventional, and unconventional! Read the rest »

My daughter is becoming a pre-teen, and I’m worried! She has big emotional upsets now and then, but is fine with us other times. How do I ride this roller coaster with her, rather than be upset with her for being on it. I know this is a hard time for kids!
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Dear Parent:

Good for you for thinking ahead! Adolescence is a stage that gets very bad press, which is unfortunate for teens, and for parents as well. It is a growth stage that is full of promise! The perils get much more attention than the excitement of seeing your child grow, learn, and explore her expanding world.

The fact that your daughter has occasional passionate emotional upsets is a good sign, not a bad one. Children who feel safest with their parents are the ones who tend to have open upsets. Your daughter’s explosions are a sign that she is using her instinct to offload emotional tension, whenever she feels overloaded and can’t march forward one more step. Read the rest »

Q. My 6-year-old daughter seems to be suffering from performance anxiety and perfectionism not only at school but overall in her life. I’d love to get some ideas and/or resources for help with this issue. Specifically what I notice is that my daughter will start on a homework activity (for example, a math word problem) and get into an emotional frenzy such that she cannot even read the actual word problem (which she is easily capable of doing). This problem is not just limited to schoolwork, but affects every area of my daughter’s life.
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Dear Thoughtful Mother:

Yes, it looks like feelings have trapped your little girl into a box that is getting tighter and tighter for her. Good for you for reaching out for some ideas and help!�

One way to look at her fear of making mistakes is to see it as a symptom of some knot of fear that she carries into every situation. If you just address the symptom—the difficulty with math, for instance—the things you do will be less effective than if you address this as a situation that calls for your help with her fears in general. Read the rest »

Q. What’s the Problem with Spanking?

In most Western cultures, there’s a longstanding history of permission to spank children. Many of our parents spanked. And most of us hold the perspective that our parents were doing their very best to love us. So whether to spank children or not is a confusing issue—if we turned out OK, and our parents spanked us, then isn’t spanking an acceptable, even desirable way to make sure that children do what’s right? Read the rest »

Q. “My five-year-old can’t seem to stay dry at night. We’ve tried and tried, and nothing I do seems to work. She feels bad when she wets the bed, I try not to bother her about it, but I am very tired of the work it takes to deal with this. I get cranky, and that doesn’t help her learn. Do you have any light to shed on why my daughter can’t learn to stay dry at night? Any fresh ideas about what to do?”

It’s so much work to deal with bedwetting! That added load of laundry per day can be infuriating. And once a pattern has set in, it can be difficult to find a way to change it. But I have an approach that is different from reward systems, waking a child in the night, and the kinds of training that are more familiar to parents who have to deal with kids who wet the bed. Read the rest »

Q. I’m struggling with getting the kids to take some responsibility for all the work that needs to get done at home.� I don’t want to spend all my time fighting with them over chores, but I would love some help around here!

By the time children are about seven years old, most parents have begun to think, “It’s about time she did a little work around here!” and the battles begin. “When are you going to feed the dog?” “That garbage needs to be taken out right now!” “Honey, how many times do I need to ask you to make your bed!”

It’s good to expect children to take part in the work of the household. Children are quite capable, and feel a lot of pride in a job well done. But, like us, they acquire feelings about the jobs they’re expected to do. And when those feelings are negative, children can drain a lot of their parents’ emotional capital on the way to completing their household jobs. Read the rest »

Q. My wonderful, energetic, 4-year-old boy has picked up some wonderfully expressive behaviors from his Transformers, Power Rangers, Iron Man and watching friends at school. His latest play involves pretend shooting and “booming” with his hands, with sound effects, dying people, pretend-cutting people and the lot. His preschool teacher tells me that it’s becoming more and more the play at his public preschool, which has zero tolerance for gunplay. It’s so very, very taxing and upsetting, and I don’t know what the “right” thing to do is. Read the rest »