Q. Our neighbor recently returned from the war in Iraq badly injured including the loss of part of his leg. My son is very upset that his friend’s father has been so hurt. How do I explain a traumatic event like this to him?

There is, at heart, no way to understand murderous acts, whether from a far away world or a neighborhood crime. People hurting people simply doesn’t make sense. Children’s minds are jammed with upset and hurt when they are exposed to violence of any kind, because it is inherently offensive, inherently inhuman. So we as Moms and Dads must handle these sad and unwelcome events in ways that hurt our children as little as possible, but we cannot avoid the fact that war is hurtful to them. Read the rest »

Q. What should I do about my 5-yr-old lying? He’s a bright boy. Sometimes the lies he tells now are imaginative, but more frequently it’s just denying that he did something by saying it was the ghost who lives with us. How can I get him to accept the consequences when he won’t admit he’s done it? Sometimes I try just saying “Oh look! The shampoo’s spilled all over the floor! Here, you take this towel and I’ll take this one and let’s clean it up.” He shrugs me off like he was a teenager! (He’s 5.)

Other times I ignore the lie coming out of his mouth and go on based on what I can see: He says he put his books away, but they’re still out, so we don’t leave for the park. I don’t think I give the impression that I believe his lies. I just don’t want to have to deal with it.

You’ve done a good bit of experimenting with your responses, and that’s smart. It helps when we parents can notice a difficulty, and instead of stomping on it hard, we try this, and try that, and watch what seems to help and what doesn’t. Experimentation is the sign of a good learner! I think I may be able to add a bit of perspective, and a suggestion or two. Read the rest »

Q. What can I do to help my timid little girl gain confidence?

Does the answer, “Wrestling!” come to mind? Many of the confident, capable, courageous girls I know have families in which vigorous physical play is a tradition. It’s an unsung activity that is far more important to children’s development than we’ve guessed.

What advantage does wrestling and horseplay give our daughters? There are many reasons why it’s great for girls. (It’s wonderful for boys for the same reasons, but let’s focus here on girls, as they are socialized not to participate in this kind of play.) Read the rest »

This month we’re still working on last month’s question about how to help children who are picky eaters.

For picky eaters, food ignites strong feelings.

When you have a picky eater, the problem isn’t so much with food, it’s with your child’s feelings about food. Children whose palate is broad generally have the feeling that food is interesting. They experience enjoyment and ease when they eat. At one year old, one of my grandsons would toddle downstairs to breakfast saying “Mmmmmmm!” as he thought about breakfast. Anything would do—avocados, fruit, eggs, spaghetti from the night before would be just fine with him. Read the rest »

“I’ve been struggling with my child’s picky eating for a long time now. It seems that the list of things he wants and really will eat is narrowing down over time. I don’t want him to grow up with the experience of daily battles over food. But I do want him to eat more than Cheerios and peanut butter! I feel like we’re caught between a rock and a hard place. Any ideas?”

Many children are finicky eaters at some time in their lives. There are lots of ideas out there about how and why food preferences become narrow, and I’ll talk next month about a few things I’ve observed in this regard. But no matter what has caused a child’s preferences to become strong and narrow, there’s a beginning strategy for loosening things up that’s fun to do, and that your child will most likely love. You may have some fun with it too! This recommendation goes with these provisos: if you suspect that your child is undersize or underweight, or if he never touches a vegetable or fruit, you of course need to have a conversation with his physician to make sure he’s getting the vitamins and nourishment he needs. Read the rest »

“Silly question!” you might exclaim. “Of course children manipulate their parents! My children do it all the time, and it drives me crazy!”

We tend to call it manipulation when a child looks at us, and then proceeds to do something they know is off limits, like dump planter dirt on the carpet, or throw their sister’s toy across the room. We call it manipulation when a child begs for something from one parent, and, hearing “No,” goes straight to the other parent to wheedle some more. And we call it manipulation when children do the exact behavior that drives us wild, over and over again, at times when our patience is already stretched thin.

Sometimes, it feels like our kids are out to “get” us. It feels like they want the power in the parent-child relationship, and the harder we try to hold our ground, the more brazen their efforts to rock our sanity and undermine our authority. Read the rest »

Q. I read your article on Biting, Pushing and Pulling Hair, and I had a question. My daughter is 19mths old and is very aggressive at daycare. She pinches at home once in awhile, but normally is well behaved. What can I do for her at home?

Good question! Here’s what I think you can try.

Any child who hits or hurts other children does this because she’s sitting on top feelings of fear. Hidden fears tighten a child, so that she has little flexibility around others: sharing may be hard, following what others ask her to do might be hard, noticing what other children want to do is hard. Her mind is spending lots of energy trying to keep one step ahead of some underlying sense of insecurity. She may keep herself “busy” with toys or with physical activity, but when she gets close to another child, she can’t help but show that not all is well on the inside. She doesn’t feel connected. Read the rest »