Once you get the basics down (feed the baby, burp the baby, change the baby, rock the baby to sleep) you’ll be faced with the inevitable curveballs, the problems you have to solve in the moment. With some field-tested solutions, and your innate smarts, you’ll be prepared for anything!

1. The Last Diaper

A time may come, if it hasn’t already, when you are down to one diaper—or no diapers!—either at home or while on the go. You have options:

• Advanced Warning: The following isn’t as gross as it sounds. If you have only one diaper left, chances are you have some sanitary pads in the house or, if you’re in a mall or restaurant, you can buy one from a ladies room vending machine. Stick a highly absorbent pad into that last diaper. The pad will absorb all or most of the mess and enable you to just change the pads until you can get your hands on more diapers.

• Keep first aid adhesive tape on hand—at home and in your diaper bag—for when a closing tab is accidentally ripped off of a diaper. While many types of tape will work (duct tape, masking tape, packing tape, though not so much cellophane tape), I prefer first aid paper tape, which has the gentlest adhesive if it touches the skin.

• For when you’re totally out of disposable diapers, be sure to keep a few cloth diapers on hand (which you can put to use as burp cloths while they await their time at bat). You can also craft a diaper out of a towel or dishcloth. Here are some basic diaper folding instructions, from which you can improvise as needed:

1) Fold the cloth into a rectangle. (Depending on the size of the child, your finished rectangle will be approximately 6” x 10”; a larger cloth can be folded over by sections in order to provide you with extra layers for absorbency.)

2) Place and center the baby vertically on the length of the cloth.

3) Bring the bottom part of the fabric up between the baby’s legs. Flip the left and right sides over to lay on the baby’s belly, and then secure all three sections together.

If you don’t have diaper pins in reserve, use the aforementioned tape. If you don’t have rubber pants to put over the diaper, consider fashioning a very temporary pair out of a gallon-size plastic bag or even a plastic grocery bag. (See caveat below.)

2. Create a bib on-the-go

Speaking of plastic bags, let’s venture into another practical use for plastic grocery bags—with the caveat that this method is to be used correctly under constant adult supervision because, as all plastic bags tell us themselves, they must be kept out of reach of babies and children.

When you’re out and about and have no bib, but desperately need a bib, you likely have or have access to a plastic shopping bag. If so, size up the bag and your child. Depending on which will be the better fit, choose from these tailoring methods:

Option A: Tear open the bottom of the bag. Use the bag’s pre-existing opening for your child’s head and the handle openings as arm holes. Adorn your child in, essentially, a plastic tank top.

Option B: For a top with less “cleavage,” tear a hole in the bottom of the bag. Put the child’s head through that new hole. Pop openings in each side of the bag and guide your child’s hands and arms through those new holes.

Ta-da! You now have a full-torso covering for impromptu restaurant meals, ice cream cones and even finger-painting. Yes, the bib will be bizarre looking, and you and your bag-wearing baby might get some odd looks. But I have used this technique in public on many occasions and have been praised by restaurant servers and diners for my ingenuity.

3. Always have fresh milk on hand

Yes, a mother can breastfeed her child, which makes having milk in the fridge a non-issue. Short of that, all parents with young milk drinkers should acquaint themselves with ultra-pasteurized UHT shelf-stable milk. Packaged in box-like aseptic cartons, the milk needs no refrigeration until it’s opened. UHT milk tastes like regular milk, only a bit sweeter, and is widely used in countries that don’t have consistent refrigeration. I always keep several of the one-quart cartons in my pantry as back-up for when we run out of fresh milk.

Because the milk, which comes in whole, 2-percent, skim and chocolate varieties, is also sold in a six-pack of individual serving sizes (like a juice box), you can keep milk handy in your car, stroller or diaper bag without having to worry about cool packs or spoiling. (The cartons do have expiration dates, which are usually several months out based on storage at room temperature.) Hint: At the supermarket, look for UHT milk in the baking rather than daily aisle. Similar shelf-stable packaging exists for milk products made from soy and rice.

***

Melissa Stanton is the author of The Stay-at-Home Survival Guide: Field-tested strategies for staying smart, sane, and connected while caring for your kids, published by Seal Press/Perseus Books (www.stayathomesurvivalguide.com). Prior to becoming an at-home mother of three, Stanton was a senior editor at LIFE and People magazines. Her articles have appeared in The New York Times, Glamour, Parenting and MotherVerse, among other publications and websites. Stanton is the founder and editor of “Real Life Support for Moms”  (www.lifesupportformoms.com). She lives with her family outside of Washington, D.C.

Copyright  2008 Melissa Stanton

Once you get the basics down (feed the baby, burp the baby, change the baby, rock the baby to sleep) you’ll be faced with the inevitable curve balls, the problems you have to solve in the moment. With some field-tested solutions, and your innate smarts, you’ll be prepared for anything!

1. The Last Diaper

A time may come, if it hasn’t already, when you are down to one diaper—or no diapers!—either at home or while on the go. You have options:

• Advanced Warning: The following isn’t as gross as it sounds. If you have only one diaper left, chances are you have some sanitary pads in the house or, if you’re in a mall or restaurant, you can buy one from a ladies room vending machine. Stick a highly absorbent pad into that last diaper. The pad will absorb all or most of the mess and enable you to just change the pads until you can get your hands on more diapers.

• Keep first aid adhesive tape on hand—at home and in your diaper bag—for when a closing tab is accidentally ripped off of a diaper. While many types of tape will work (duct tape, masking tape, packing tape, though not so much cellophane tape), I prefer first aid paper tape, which has the gentlest adhesive if it touches the skin.

• For when you’re totally out of disposable diapers, be sure to keep a few cloth diapers on hand (which you can put to use as burp cloths while they await their time at bat). You can also craft a diaper out of a towel or dishcloth. Here are some basic diaper folding instructions, from which you can improvise as needed:

1) Fold the cloth into a rectangle. (Depending on the size of the child, your finished rectangle will be approximately 6” x 10”; a larger cloth can be folded over by sections in order to provide you with extra layers for absorbency.)

2) Place and center the baby vertically on the length of the cloth.

3) Bring the bottom part of the fabric up between the baby’s legs. Flip the left and right sides over to lay on the baby’s belly, and then secure all three sections together.

If you don’t have diaper pins in reserve, use the aforementioned tape. If you don’t have rubber pants to put over the diaper, consider fashioning a very temporary pair out of a gallon-size plastic bag or even a plastic grocery bag. (See caveat below.)

2. Create a bib on-the-go

Speaking of plastic bags, let’s venture into another practical use for plastic grocery bags—with the caveat that this method is to be used correctly under constant adult supervision because, as all plastic bags tell us themselves, they must be kept out of reach of babies and children.

When you’re out and about and have no bib, but desperately need a bib, you likely have or have access to a plastic shopping bag. If so, size up the bag and your child. Depending on which will be the better fit, choose from these tailoring methods:

Option A: Tear open the bottom of the bag. Use the bag’s pre-existing opening for your child’s head and the handle openings as arm holes. Adorn your child in, essentially, a plastic tank top.

Option B: For a top with less “cleavage,” tear a hole in the bottom of the bag. Put the child’s head through that new hole. Pop openings in each side of the bag and guide your child’s hands and arms through those new holes.

Ta-da! You now have a full-torso covering for impromptu restaurant meals, ice cream cones and even finger-painting. Yes, the bib will be bizarre looking, and you and your bag-wearing baby might get some odd looks. But I have used this technique in public on many occasions and have been praised by restaurant servers and diners for my ingenuity.

3. Always have fresh milk on hand

Yes, a mother can breastfeed her child, which makes having milk in the fridge a non-issue. Short of that, all parents with young milk drinkers should acquaint themselves with ultra-pasteurized UHT shelf-stable milk. Packaged in box-like aseptic cartons, the milk needs no refrigeration until it’s opened. UHT milk tastes like regular milk, only a bit sweeter, and is widely used in countries that don’t have consistent refrigeration. I always keep several of the one-quart cartons in my pantry as back-up for when we run out of fresh milk.

Because the milk, which comes in whole, 2-percent, skim and chocolate varieties, is also sold in a six-pack of individual serving sizes (like a juice box), you can keep milk handy in your car, stroller or diaper bag without having to worry about cool packs or spoiling. (The cartons do have expiration dates, which are usually several months out based on storage at room temperature.) Hint: At the supermarket, look for UHT milk in the baking rather than dairy aisle. Similar shelf-stable packaging exists for milk products made from soy and rice.

***

Melissa Stanton is the author of The Stay-at-Home Survival Guide: Field-tested strategies for staying smart, sane, and connected while caring for your kids, published by Seal Press/Perseus Books (www.stayathomesurvivalguide.com). Prior to becoming an at-home mother of three, Stanton was a senior editor at LIFE and People magazines. Her articles have appeared in The New York Times, Glamour, Parenting and MotherVerse, among other publications and websites. Stanton is the founder and editor of “Real Life Support for Moms”  (www.lifesupportformoms.com). She lives with her family outside of Washington, D.C.

Copyright  2008 Melissa Stanton

Surely, for some women, being a Stay-at-Home mother is an entirely magnificent, totally blissful, always fulfilling, happily-ever-after dream come true.

I’m not one of those women—and that’s okay.

In my now seven-plus years as a Stay-at-Home mom, I know I’m not alone in having mixed feelings about having left the paid workforce to be the 24/7 hands-on parent to my children. From time to time, most all women doing the job (and Stay-at-Home motherhood is a job) struggle with the challenges of this kind of in-the-trenches motherhood.

Round-the-clock parenting often has as many downs as ups. The constant demands that come from being the sole adult charged with the care of little minds and bodies (and the surroundings in which they exist) involves a daily routine that many Stay-at-Home moms need both skill and fortitude to survive. As with any job, we have moments of feeling overwhelmed, overworked, unappreciated, and under-compensated. And all that’s before the 9 am start of the traditional workday.

For a woman who, before motherhood, had a job she enjoyed, experienced career success, lived independently, and had an active social life, setting all that aside for Stay-at-Home motherhood can be a mixed blessing. It’s wonderful for a mother to be able to devote herself to the full-time care of her family—without the distractions, stresses, and demands of an office or workplace. It’s wonderful for a child to be raised under the constant care of a parent instead of a nanny, sitter, au pair, daycare staff, or afterschool program—or any of the other childcare solutions that parents need to piece together in order to earn an income. In a nation where two incomes are often essential to a family’s well-being, and where single parents need a job in order to pay and keep up with the bills, Stay-at-Home mothers are often told how lucky they are “not to work.”

I know I’m lucky that my family has been able to live securely for several years with only one income, but being a Stay-at-Home mother is nothing but work! The surprise for many women who spend their days caring for children without end is that they work as many, if not more, hours than they did at a “real” job. The initial relief from the pressures of paid employment are often replaced by the demands of our Stay-at-Home reality.

But putting aside professional skills and independence to fill sippy cups and push swings ican be tough on a woman’s sense of self. And although a Stay-at-Home mother is never without something to do, the day can drag, and entire weeks can feel empty of adult company or personal fulfillment. Then, in the rare instance you get to mingle among grown-ups without kids clinging to you, someone asks you what you do, and you struggle between saying, “I’m a Stay-at-Home mom . . .” or “Well, I used to be . . .” or some tortured combination thereof. It can make you want to cry.

My advice. Don’t sugarcoat, sentimentalize, or reduce to slapstick the realities of Stay-at-Home motherhood.

For those of us who have good days and bad, who sometimes absolutely adore and appreciate being home with our kids and sometimes can’t stand it, parenting books and magazine articles in which the author and interviewees gush about their love of being a mom and surrendering to motherhood just don’t jibe with all the realities. Ditto those who joke about the sleepless nights and messy minivans and days without showering—but, alas, each quip or complaint is couched by an “I wouldn’t change it for the world” sentiment. For the woman whose every mothering moment isn’t a greeting card moment, such rosy pictures can actually be demoralizing: “I don’t like playing peek-a-boo and going to the park every day. I don’t like being at the beck and call of someone else’s moods and needs. Sometimes I don’t want to be around my kids. I must be a terrible mom.”

You’re not a terrible mom. You’re a typical mom.

So hang in there! Even though you may be alone in your house right now with [fill in the applicable number] child(ren) crying, hanging on you, and demanding your immediate attention, you are not alone. Even though you may feel you’re flying a solo mission, you aren’t, especially when it comes to your conflicted feelings:

10 am: “I’m so happy I’m home!”
11am: “What was I thinking?
Noon: “Being a Stay-at-Home mother is [fill in an adjective here]!”

It’s okay to not always love being a Stay-at-Home mom. Women often fear that admitting as much is tantamount to saying to the world and themselves that we regret not being part of the paid workforce.

The reality is, sometimes, some of us do regret leaving careers, or wish for something more. That’s normal. That’s healthy. It doesn’t mean we don’t love our children. It doesn’t mean we’d make a different choice if we had a do-over. It definitely doesn’t mean we’re bad mothers, or that we’re not doing a good job. Some days at work are wonderful. Some days are nightmares. Few people love their job every minute of the day. The same goes for the job of being a Stay-at-Home mom.

***

Copyright 2008 Melissa Stanton

As Halloween approaches, and my fifth grader is figuring out what costume to wear, he asked me to list what he dressed as for every one of his past ten Halloweens. As I flipped through the images in my mind—the dinosaur costume he wore as a four-month-old, the monkey costume I put on him the year after—I realized that while he always had a good costume, I never put much effort into the planning and creation of his, or his twin sisters’, Halloween get-ups. Some moms are crafty, and love to decorate for the holidays. I’m neither.

As my brood expanded from one child right to three, I had even less time to think about creative costuming. So for all you moms who can’t sew or wield a glue gun, and who don’t have bins of holiday-specific knick-knacks and craft supplies at the ready, here are some Halloween tips that are easy and—considering the current economy—affordable. (Sorry Halloween stores and catalogs: At least for my family, I can’t justify spending more than $100 to outfit my three kids for Trick or Treating.)

1) Something Old Can Be New: Other than for the aforementioned monkey costume, which my mother lovingly made for her first grandchild, every ready-made costume my kids have worn was a hand-me-down from a friend or family member. Consignment and second-hand shops are also a great source for affordable kid costumes. Unless a child likes to play dress-up throughout the year, kids outgrow or discard Halloween costumes before they wear them out. It’s smart for families to pass along costumes rather than pay for new ones.

2) The Costume Challenge: This year I told the kids they should look at the costume catalogs we keep getting in the mail and figure out how we could make some of the costumes pictured with items we already own. One of my daughters has decided she wants to be a pirate, and she will become one by wearing her Daisy Scout vest inside-out, stuffing a pair of stretch pants with rags to make them puffy, turning an old karate belt into a pirate’s belt and using her black rain boots as pirate boots. We already have a Dollar Store eye patch and foam sword in the house. I’ll contribute a silky head scarf to the cause and draw a mustache and beard on her with an eye pencil.

3) Look at What You Have and What it Can Be: My other daughter wants to be a cat, which is an incredibly easy costume: Black leggings and a black turtleneck (which we have but could buy and use again as regular clothing), pipe cleaner ears and a tail made from a black ribbon. Once again, my cosmetics drawer is the go-to place for creating a pink nose and black whiskers. My son has decided to use the cat theme as well, but he will be a cat burglar instead of a cat. The black pants and turtleneck from his closet will be accompanied by a pillowcase full of stuffed animal cats (we have too many, including one that meows when squeezed). For outdoor decorations, we’ll be making ghosts out of white plastic trash bags and hanging them from the trees. I(f you drape the bag over a balloon the ghost will have more shape. Eyes and scary faces can be drawn on with a thick black marker. If no holes are made, the bag can be reused as the trash bag it is.)

4) The Halloween Bag: After the first year of buying a large, plastic, Trick-or-Treating pumpkin for collecting candy, I got tired of having to either store that pumpkin for a year or pick it up from wherever the kids would leave it around the house. Now we used handled shopping or gift bags we already have. We try to save bags with no pictures or logos on them so the kids can decorate the bags themselves using crayons, markers or stickers.

5) Sharing the Loot: Three Trick-or-Treating kids in one household produces a sizable cache of candy. The kids understand that we pool all the candy, make a pile for Dad’s office, select some personal candies and then we weed out what we don’t want and bring it to the office of a local orthodontist, who pays $1 for every pound of candy a child brings to her office. (Last year, she matched the donations with a $2 per pound contribution to The Smile Train, an organization that provides cleft palette surgery to needy children.) My kids are now more motivated by earning the money than by having a stash of sweets. For parents who don’t like giving out candy to little kids, distributing stickers, pencils or even quarters are an option. Speaking of money, Trick-or-Treating for UNICEF or another cause is a good way to teach children that Halloween involves giving as well as getting.

Women are often defined by their relationships to others, and for most of history women followed the single-lane path from being a father’s daughter to a husband’s wife to a child’s mother. While familial labels also apply to males, men have traditionally been allowed to just be whomever they are—without a stated link to someone else. (Think of the notable men, past and present, about whom you know little or nothing regarding their marital and family status.)

I make this observation as a woman who, having left a successful career to become a stay-at-home mom, is now mostly identified by whom I care for rather than the whole of who I am. Most adult women are mothers, but each one of us is a mother and more.

It’s important for men and society-at-large to understand that truth, but it’s essential for women to accept that they needn’t be solely defined by or worse, consumed by, motherhood. I suspect that each of us would be more content in our daily lives, and collectively more supportive of one another, if we abandoned the head games that accompany our work as mothers. (And yes, I consider motherhood and childrearing to be a job.) Hence ….

Stay-at-home mothers need to speak up when they’re told, “You’re so lucky you don’t have to work.” Stay-at-home moms are indeed “lucky: that their households can get by on one income (even barely), but these women absolutely work—as mothers. Save for the occasional “princess bride” whose home and children are managed by what amounts to her own palace staff, women who spend their days directly caring for young children work longer hours than most people do in the paid workforce. We all need to recognize that caring for children without end is a physically, emotionally and intellectually taxing job. As such, a mom who occasionally loses her temper—or counts the minutes until she can hand the kids to her spouse or a sitter—isn’t a bad mom. She (you?) simply needs a break, just like any other overworked employee.

Employed mothers who have full- or part-time jobs outside the home may want to craft a response to, or else simply tune out, comments along the lines of, “Why did you have children if you won’t stay home and care for them?” Such statements are rarely (if ever) made about men who go to jobs as opposed to staying at home caring for kids. Mothers participate in the workforce for many reasons, chief among them the need to earn money. (After all, living on one income is becoming harder and harder all the time.) The only reason an employed mom should ever feel guilty about leaving her children in order to work is if she is truly neglecting her offspring or placing them in an unsafe, un-nurturing environment. Parents need to do what they determine is best or essential for their family, preferably without giving short shrift to anyone in the mix.

Work-from-home mothers who are attempting to balance domestic responsibilities with those in the world beyond their front doors are best served by recognizing that, at different times, their attention will be on one universe or the other. That means when a work-from-home mother is participating in the work world, her office door needs to be shut, her kids should be out of earshot (at school or with a caregiver) and everyone has to understand that although mom is home, she’s not really there. While work life will likely intrude on home life, there needs to be defined times for family. In some cases, a work-from-home mom can focus on business by day when her kids are in school, “leave” the office around 3 pm to manage post-school activities (homework, dinner, bath and bed), and then go back to work for another few after-dark hours. (Having recently begun to work part-time from home myself, I’ve found that I’m tons more efficient than I ever was commuting to and from an office and getting pulled into meetings and workplace socializing.)

For mothers in transition—which we all have been or will be at some point in our lives—it’s useful to concentrate on living in the present, because the past is unchangeable and the future can’t be controlled. So if a woman is moving into motherhood as a first time parent, or from the workforce into the stay-at-home world, or vice versa, all involved need to recognize that she is in the midst of an enormous change. It’s a myth that motherhood is purely instinctive and that, unlike men, women are just wired to care for and bond with babies and children. Parenting is a learned skill and, frankly, a talent. Some of us are faster or more intuitive learners than others. Whatever transition stage you’re in, recognize it—and recognize that even though your neighbor may make it all look so easy, it’s not!

So absolutely, be proud of being your child or children’s mother—and your parent’s daughter and your partner’s spouse. Just don’t forget to be proud of, and concerned about, your non-mom self as well.