I think the most important thing you can do as a parent is to sponsor good self esteem in your child. If a child believes in themselves and feels good about themselves, they can do most anything. One way to sponsor self esteem is to help children to occupy their free time in ways that are productive, and to encourage them to not only play with their friends, but to do something that creates a passion for them and a meaning in life.

My son is very involved in sports, and loves most of them. Although as a mother I complain about the schedule, and parental driving obligations, I am so glad that he has this interest and passion. It keeps him busy and away from more destructive behaviors that kids often get involved in when they have nothing better to do. I recently went to my stepdaughter’s play, and the cast was so united and connected as a group. They were planning their next play. Kids need connections like these. They need help from parents to decide what interests them if they don’t naturally have a specific interest.

Sometimes kids don’t know what they want to do, or don’t want to make the effort. This is often because of fear. They don’t think that they will do well so are afraid to try. As a parent you must talk to them about that fear, and be aware enough to know that they have it. Sometimes parents don’t pick up on the fear, and just feel that the child is lazy or a homebody.

How can you get your child involved in more things? Talk to them, if they aren’t doing much with their free time, and tell them that you’d like them to be involved in something special, that they can call their own. For example, if you wanted your child to take dance, for the beauty, the movements etc, take them to a dance performance, and then talk about it afterwards. Take them to a play, and let them see how others unite as a group, and are praised for their performance.

Here are eight things to keep in mind to help motivate your kids to reach out and discover their passion:

1. Introduce your child to new and exciting things to become involved in.
2. Encourage them to try something, and be aware of their fear to try.
3. Tell them a story about when you were scared to do something and worked to overcome it.
4. Let them know that everyone has fear, and that the challenge is to overcome it.
5. Keep open communication about the necessity to be involved in things to succeed in life. Those with no interests and passion don’t go far in succeeding.
6. Teach them about the possibilities in the future for them, so that they can imagine them, if they were to continue on with their interest and activity.
7. For example if they are in a play, and do really well, help them envision how fun it would be to be an actress/actor. Have a discussion about it.
8. Last but not least do interesting things yourself. Children learn by what they see, not as much by what you say!

These actions on your part will spark interests and ideas in your kids. Once they try something and feel the positive effects of it they will want more. If what they choose is not right for them, help them pick something else, and learn from their error rather than put themselves down. Remember to stay aware if they are quitting something due to fear. You must differentiate between fear of not being good enough and actual dislike for something. Usually fear is a strong motivator to withdraw from something, or to never even try.

I think the most important thing you can do as a parent is to sponsor good self esteem in your child. If a child believes in themselves and feels good about themselves, they can do most anything. One way to sponsor self esteem is to help children to occupy their free time in ways that are productive, and to encourage them to not only play with their friends, but to do something that creates a passion for them and a meaning in life.

My son is very involved in sports, and loves most of them. Although as a mother I complain about the schedule, and parental driving obligations, I am so glad that he has this interest and passion. It keeps him busy and away from more destructive behaviors that kids often get involved in when they have nothing better to do. I recently went to my stepdaughter’s play, and the cast was so united and connected as a group. They were planning their next play. Kids need connections like these. They need help from parents to decide what interests them if they don’t naturally have a specific interest.

Sometimes kids don’t know what they want to do, or don’t want to make the effort. This is often because of fear. They don’t think that they will do well so are afraid to try. As a parent you must talk to them about that fear, and be aware enough to know that they have it. Sometimes parents don’t pick up on the fear, and just feel that the child is lazy or a homebody.

How can you get your child involved in more things? Talk to them, if they aren’t doing much with their free time, and tell them that you’d like them to be involved in something special, that they can call their own. For example, if you wanted your child to take dance, for the beauty, the movements etc, take them to a dance performance, and then talk about it afterwards. Take them to a play, and let them see how others unite as a group, and are praised for their performance.

Here are eight things to keep in mind to help motivate your kids to reach out and discover their passion:

1. Introduce your child to new and exciting things to become involved in.
2. Encourage them to try something, and be aware of their fear to try.
3. Tell them a story about when you were scared to do something and worked to overcome it.
4. Let them know that everyone has fear, and that the challenge is to overcome it.
5. Keep open communication about the necessity to be involved in things to succeed in life. Those with no interests and passion don’t go far in succeeding.
6. Teach them about the possibilities in the future for them, so that they can imagine them, if they were to continue on with their interest and activity.
7. For example if they are in a play, and do really well, help them envision how fun it would be to be an actress/actor. Have a discussion about it.
8. Last but not least do interesting things yourself. Children learn by what they see, not as much by what you say!

These actions on your part will spark interests and ideas in your kids. Once they try something and feel the positive effects of it they will want more. If what they choose is not right for them, help them pick something else, and learn from their error rather than put themselves down. Remember to stay aware if they are quitting something due to fear. You must differentiate between fear of not being good enough and actual dislike for something. Usually fear is a strong motivator to withdraw from something, or to never even try.

I become increasingly concerned when I see the expectations being forced upon kids nowadays. It seems that so many kids are cutting themselves, a newer form of stress reduction, and engaging in other escapist, avoidant behaviors to dodge the pressure cooker they live in every day called school. Teachers are pressured by state requirements, they, in turn, pressure the kids, and the parents become pressured by the teacher and the school’s expectations.

Sometimes the expectations are over the top, and your job as a parent is to realize when that is happening and when the expectations are reasonable.

So many kids tell me that if they miss a day or two of school, they are so far behind, that they say, “Why bother,” and subsequently get a poor grade. Kids get sick, and they should feel that they can take the time they need to get well.

Many parents are worried, even at the fourth grade level when homework isn’t done and grades are not A’s and B’s. If the child isn’t motivated to come home after school and begin two hours of homework, they are worried they have a slacker, a lazy kid. I work eight plus hours a day and I don’t usually come home looking for more work to do.

Let’s put things into perspective. Children need to know that they have to do homework to make it through school, and most kids, unless they have serious academic limitations or other learning issues, will attempt to do it. If they downright refuse to do any homework, even a reasonable amount, then you have another problem that needs addressing. Maybe they really don’t understand the work, and aren’t telling you. Maybe they need a different school. Maybe there are emotional issues to be examined. Let them pick a time that’s best for them, and you help them structure that time. If they get restless, and need a break, let them take a break. As long as they return to it, that isn’t a problem.

It is important for parents to admit that most young kids don’t love homework and think of creative ideas to help them through it.

Here is what not to do in helping your child with homework:

1. Don’t ask them to do homework as soon as they get off the bus.
2. Don’t assume that they aren’t overwhelmed by the amount, and are just lazy.
3. Understand that most kids don’t love homework
4. Don’t compare them to others and push them with your own anxiety
5. Many successful people in life didn’t love homework
6. Keep in mind your child’s age and motivation to get homework done
7. Don’t overlook the strengths of a kid who doesn’t think certain things are necessary to learn. That may be true. That kid may have many independent strengths!
8. Don’t forget to help them when you can. They need support. Some of the work is very difficult
9. Don’t forget what being young was like for you.

What To Do To Help Kids With Homework:

1. Do help them find a time that works for them to do it.
2. If they are having trouble with it, troubleshoot as to why. Ask questions.
3. Do help them find solutions, and acknowledge their negative feelings or difficulty.
4. Spend time with them when you can, showing enthusiasm toward their subject.
5. Expect rebellion and procrastination. It will happen.
6. Keep calm about their consequences if they can’t get it done. They will eventually learn how to handle this.
7. If you push too hard, you will get your children to lie about doing it.
8. Show calm when they are filled with anxiety.
9. Hire a tutor if they need more support.
10. Love them and believe in them, even when they are not doing what you feel they should be to get ahead.

As a mother and a professional therapist, my heart has been broken many times listening to the tales of life in the fast lane of 5th and 6th grade girls. I have likened the experiences to that of prisoners trying to get through their day unharmed, by knowing the right people and keeping their mouths shut. Apparently there is and will always be a social order, of who is best and who is not, and the who is not will always suffer.

The ‘popular kids’ are always the same. I was in school 40 years ago, and it was the same as kids describe now. The kids that wear the expensive clothes, Abercrombie, American Eagle, Hollister are the big ones now, and play sports, and can do school well, be cheery and outgoing, (and a big huge home helps), become popular. The kids who are not the straight cookie cutter variety, often are left out, misunderstood, or considered weird. The popular kids either deliberately or inadvertently make life hell for the others.

As a parent, watching kids go through this is very difficult, sad and anger provoking. Kids will come to me in counseling and tell me that they sit all day in fear of a girl dissing them, embarrassing them or rolling their eyes at another girl about them. These kids are terrified to speak up because then their reputation will be ruined. They can’t tell a teacher because going for outside help is a sign of weakness. And most assured, going for help will cause reason for retaliation. Kids, due to this stressful experience, get stomach aches, anxiety and all kinds of medical ailments, that are stress, turned inward to the body.

The kids need tools to deal with this problem.

As a parent careful thought is needed because it is easy to say the wrong thing and anger your child, or render them feeling more helpless. Here are some wrong ways to handle it. The following are comments that DO NOT work.

1. Do not tell your child that she is prettier than that girl that thinks she is all that, and the girl is just jealous. This isn’t believable to your child and isn’t the point, therefore doesn’t offer a tool to solve the problem. The child will have a come back for you about how not helpful you are.

2. Do not tell your child not to let it bother them, and that they are fine the way they are. The child will tell you how you don’t get it, and that this is their life. How dare you make light of a huge problem, and tell them they are fine the way they are, when clearly they aren’t or the others would like them more.

3. Do not tell your child how much smarter and interesting they are than the others. Don’t criticize the others for their emphasis on Abercrombie and other trendy stores, saying that you find them stupid and unnecessary. Children want to fit in. They don’t have that level of reasoning capacity.

Kids need to know what to do when they are in this situation. Here are examples of what to do to actually help your child. The first thing to do is:

1. Listen to your child’s story of what is going on for them without making judgment. Hear them out. Empathize with their difficulty without overreacting, or under reacting. They need someone they can trust and talk to.

2. After they tell their story, ask them non judgmental questions, trying to understand what they would like to see happen in their situation. For example, I had a child who was upset because 12 kids in her class planned on going to the park together. She and her 4 friends were not invited. She felt unpopular, hurt and left out. I asked her what she wanted, and she said to be able to go with them. She felt she couldn’t just invite herself, she’d look too desperate. I asked her why she thought she might be left out. Without judgment, this question helped her to think at a higher level than she had been.

3. Explain kids behavior to your kids. Sometimes kids leave people out because they don’t see you all the time, or feel if they ask you, they have to ask all your friends. Sometimes they need to know you better. Sometimes it may not be deliberate. In the case of the girl above, I gave her an example of how she might ask to go without being intrusive or too needy. Sometimes asking is a good thing. Sometimes you have to be assertive to be included. Take your child’s lead and ask what they think about this. What would be hard about this for them, or not so hard about asking to join in? Listen again without judgment. Gather facts and work with them.

4. Try to help your child make more choices and expand their thinking by widening the idea of, “They don’t like me; I’m not cool”, to “maybe they overlooked it”, or “they couldn’t have more kids and had to pick their closest friends”. Teach them how they might be noticed more or become a closer friend.

5. Let them know that believing in themselves and creating what they want for themselves is possible and necessary. Let them know how fortunate they are to have the close friends that they have and how to even meet more friends if their group is getting thinner.

6. Help them to get involved in activities that connect them to new friends and new ideas and options in their lives. Go for the take action strategy to change the things you don’t like in your life, and waste less energy feeling bad about things. This is a lesson everyone must learn to get ahead in their lives.

7. Share examples with them about you and overcoming those painful social school experiences.

Just like a car needs gas to run, we need food to run our bodies and minds. The difference between a car and our minds, is that we have emotions, feelings and thoughts. Cars don’t.

We also need fuel to run our minds effectively to deal with the challenges, disappointments, roadblocks and stop signs of life. Emotional development — teaching kids to feel comfortable with themselves, their feelings and thoughts — is the fuel for brain and mind development. If you don’t help your child develop in this way, they will limp through life, missing stop signs, danger signs and turn left notifications. They will be unable to unload the feelings that pile up in the body, because they won’t know how to cope with them. They will drink to deal, use drugs to deal, be closed and disconnected, work endlessly to avoid feeling, and have cavemen conversations, like, “huh/what? Talk to you later.” No substance, no depth, surface lives, surface chatter, surface relations with others.

So what is emotional development?
It is noticing what someone isn’t saying. If your child brings home a bad grade, you notice that, and maybe make an assumption that they didn’t study, and you might ground them. Emotionally developed people would sit the child down and ask what happened. Are they having trouble in school? Is the work too much, too hard? It isn’t making assumptions. You ask a child to wear an outfit and they say no. You reprimand them without questioning why they don’t like it. You listen to their opinion. Respecting a person and their ideas and feelings is key.

If someone makes a mistake, your goal is to help them learn from it, not criticize them and put them down for their poor thinking. This creates low self esteem. Listening, questioning, caring and showing that through expression, all promote emotional development. Allow kids to have choices and make decisions about dinner, clothing, what they would like to do for the day. Fish for their ideas on school and family. Don’t tell them what and how to think.

Evaluate their thinking and direct them when their thinking is getting them in trouble. Always explain why. Do not say, ”because, I said so.” That is control, not joining with your child in a joint venture of cooperation and learning. The beauty of children cannot be compared with much in life. They are innocent beings, waiting to get the emotional teachings they need to get by in this world and to meet the most basic of needs, love, communication, freedom, happiness, choice and survival .

To promote emotional development you will:

1. Listen to your child, and look at them.
   
2. Offer affection, touch, love.
   
3. Set aside time to talk to them about feelings, not just what they did on Tuesday.
   
4. Inquire about how they feel, regarding a world event, a personal story.
   
5. Put them to bed with a hug and offer love and security. They all need it.
   
6. Don’t make assumptions by their expressions and behaviors.
   
7. The angry child wants to talk, and the overly busy one needs attention.
   
8. Value their ideas and thank them for their input.
   
9. Honor them, like in Bat /Bar mitzvahs
   
10. Have a Bar/Bat Mitzvahs in your own way no matter what your faith.
    
11. Honor their transitions into new stages of life.

Love them, listen to them, dance with them!

Sally Sacks, M.Ed is a licensed psychotherapist, with 20 years of experience, counseling individuals, children, families and couples. Sally is the author of How to Raise the Next President, a groundbreaking parents’ guide to teaching and instilling in their kids the qualities they’ll need to be happy, successful and productive, no matter which path they choose in life. Sally offers personal and group coaching and can be reached through her website at www.sallysacks.com.

If you want to have kids who use their brains effectively, you have to communicate with them rationally. In other words, you must make sense.

If you as a parent are rational, fair, open minded and diplomatic, you will parent just fine. This doesn’t mean never yelling, or getting angry. It doesn’t mean saying yes politely to all requests. It means thinking things out and assertively directing your child toward a better choice when needed.

For example, my sixth grader recently wanted a cell phone. She told me that she was the last kid in her class not to have one. I realize that now this is true, although I don’t understand who these kids are calling, maybe Ghostbusters!

It seems ridiculous to me to pay money for a phone, to look cool — Razors, Chocolates, Parfaits, Angel phones – when there is no one to call other than a friend to ask “What’s up! Did Angie talk to you today?” Now, if a child needs to reach a parent because of family needs, that’s a different story, but these cases are rare. I say to my child, “ I know you would like that phone. Who wouldn’t when everyone has one?” But I don’t think it is necessary to have a phone in sixth grade, and I really can’t spend the money for things we don’t really need.’’

My answer is met with squeaks, anger, endless questions, but I hold fast and assertively to my idea with understanding of her desires living in a culture where this is the norm in upper middle class towns. If the squeaking gets too out of hand or annoying, I announce my need to leave, she slams the door, I remain calm, and 10 minutes later she comes in to hug me. I accept the hug and nothing is mentioned, It is over and I am happy. For now!

Rational thinking and assertiveness always gets the point across.
When you have teens, you really need to use this. Always use it with understanding and kindness, not critical judgment. You might say to a teen who gets in trouble for ringing doorbells as a prank, late at night, “I can understand the fun that would bring to a 14 year old, but think of the consequences,” and list them. “You might get a really angry person who calls the police.” “You could wake up a child, who the parents spent hours trying to get down.” “You may scare someone.”

You are understanding developmentally where the child is, but offering rational thought to influence behavior. Rational parenting stretches children’s minds to see more choices and consequences in behavior. The most flexible mind, with the most choices is always the most effective one in dealing with life, people, and life’s challenges.

How you can become a more rational parent:

1. Listen to your kids and evaluate what they are saying.
   
2. Think of all the choices that you have in offering advice or direction.
   
3. Ask them questions, and challenge in a teaching way, why that may or may not be a good idea.
   
4. Offer stories about rational thinking. Give them an example of a bad choice that you made and how you made a better one and life was better for it.
   
5. Remember all mistakes are opportunities to learn for you and your child.
   
6. Be the thinking you want to see in your child, provided you have insight into yourself to know your thinking is rational.
   
7. Work on yourself and your own personal growth daily.
   
8. When you fall as a parent pick yourself up. Allow for mistakes. That is the key to rational thinking.
   
9. Enjoy the parenting journey. It ends all too fast.

About the author: Sally Sacks, M.Ed is a licensed psychotherapist, with 20 years of experience, counseling individuals, children, families and couples. Sally is the author of How to Raise the Next President, a groundbreaking parents’ guide to teaching and instilling in their kids the qualities they’ll need to be happy, successful and productive, no matter which path they choose in life. Sally offers personal and group coaching and can be reached through her website at www.sallysacks.com.