Bringing home baby changes everything, including, of course, your sleeping habits. I can say with almost certainty that a complete night of sleep will never be the same again once you become a parent. But the first few months are undoubtedly like no others. You are anxious about leaving your little angel for even a few moments of rest. What if you fall so soundly asleep that you miss some urgent need your baby may have? And when you finally are exhausted enough to drift off and relax, that little bundle is sure to wake you up with a piercing cry that you certainly could not have missed if you were in a bunker.

There is an age old struggle of how to get your newborn baby to sleep longer and longer stretches. Should we feed him more, let him cry, dream feed, or shorten day naps? What sleep books should we read and follow like the bible? And by the time we have it all figured out, our little one has beat us to it and finds her own way to get the sleep she needs. However, until that time, it is PAINFUL.

For me, not sleeping can be compared to having teeth pulled. I need my sleep, and without it I am a different person while I am awake: short tempered, cranky, edgy and some other lovely qualities that I care not to admit. I can recall one particular night maybe a week or two after my daughter was born that my husband and I had reached our breaking point. Stella woke up and would not return to sleep no matter what we did or how we did it. We fed her, changed her, rocked her, held her, sang to her, and put her in the swing, the car seat, and dare I say it, our bed! But her crying persisted and persisted until it was already time for her next feeding. We finally gave up and put her back into the bassinet while her wailing persisted. Suddenly I became so overwhelmed and angry that I actually kicked the bassinet that my sleeping child lay in! Ok, so it wasn’t too hard, and she barely flinched, but what scared me was that I actually had a desire to do this. How could I even think of attempting to hurt this precious little baby, who I adored and loved so much just because I selfishly needed to sleep? Looking back I now, of course, realize that it was not simply my need for sleep that landed me in that place. Several contributing factors came into play that all new parents should be aware of during the first few weeks.

First, there was anxiety. All new parents, whether they realize it or not, are anxious in some way. Whether you are worried about your parental instincts kicking in, or how you are taking care of the baby, or finances, baby’s health or familial issues, there is anxiety in many forms that creeps up on us unexpectedly during these first few weeks. Next, there is change: change in our schedule, our eating and sleeping habits, our relationship with our spouse, our amount of free time, our work schedule, sex life and the list goes on and on. Next on the list is frustration. We had this baby and we are expected to know exactly what to do with him. We should know why he is crying or when he needs to eat, or if he is sick or just gassy. We were prepared — we read all the books, took all the classes, we have college degrees and we still don’t know what this screaming child needs or wants from us. Ouch! Mix the anxiety with the change, and the frustration with sleepless nights, and you will have two very overwhelmed people who may or may not be thinking straight.

The key to success in getting through these crazy eight weeks is no magic secret. It’s just that — getting through them. Time will tick away and a new routine will form and you will grow accustomed to it. Your anxiety will decrease, and you will feel more relaxed in your new role. You will get to know your baby and begin to have a better understanding of his or her needs. And suddenly you will realize you don’t need nine hours of sleep, but your body has readjusted and six or seven good ones will be just fine. And then just like the pangs of labor that suddenly disappear, sleepless nights will be a faded memory when you are off to next phase of parenting…like child proofing your house and weaning off bottles! Like any rewarding job, there’s always a new challenge.

Diapers are not all that get changed when a baby arrives. Most couples experience a total shift in their relationship, one that many times does not realign until the baby leaves for college 18 years later. It all begins when an overly confident hospital nurse hands over your 8 lb bundle of joy and tells you to go home and care for him with no handbook or 24-hour emergency parent hotline. Are they really allowing us to just leave with him? Aren’t they going to test us or something? Yes, it’s harder to get a driver’s license than to have a baby, a scary thought, one saved for another time, but nonetheless, he’s yours and you are asked to go home with him.

You walk out the door with little confidence, a huge pit in your stomach and the overwhelming hope that your loving spouse knows what he or she is doing. You learn within five minutes of walking into your house that your home is not the same place it was when you left 48 hours ago. It is now the place where the most precious being you could ever dream up will live, sleep, learn and grow for the next two decades or so. Corners of tables get covered with tacky plastic, and cupboards that once housed your fine wine glasses are now home to rubber nipples. Every room in the house has some sort of child apparatus, playpen, bassinet, monitor, brightly colored toy, or musical contraption. No place is sacred and no moment seems to be just yours. In summary, you take off several months from being a married couple to learn how to become a parent. Date nights are forgotten – you will favor a few solid hours of sleep over movie night any day. Leisurely dinners are replaced with take out food eaten in front of the television in between baby’s feedings. Instead of talking about world events, you are strategizing new and creative ways to get more sleep each night. And sex, what’s that? You are tired, excited, nervous, scared, and so in love with this little creature…you are parents and there’s no turning back to life pre-child.

But one word that rarely gets discussed when thinking of the fairytale of welcoming a new baby is STRESS! Let’s face it, sleepless nights with colicky babies, intrusive in-laws popping in at all hours and new expenses that your never thought of (how many diapers does this kid need?) are all breeding ground for some grade A marital tension. Throw in post-partum hormones and fights over who is doing too much or too little and this may be one of the most stressful times your marriage has yet to experience. Many couples do not account for the stress factor that accompanies the shift from life as a couple to parenthood. And it is this oversight, this loophole in the fantasy of this first chapter of child rearing, that makes couples completely unprepared to deal with the stress. For example, when you go in for surgery, the doctor prepares you for what is to be expected during recovery-pain, possible physical restrictions, physical therapy etc. You have an expectation so you can mentally prepare for what’s to come. Expecting parents may speak to their friends about parenthood or they may read every book on the subject so they are well-versed on how to care for his or her every need. However, all the while they’re not considering how to care for themselves as a couple; a couple with a new child who has just invaded their world, has taken over and is not leaving anytime soon.

So then you ask “How do we avoid this seemingly inevitable level of stress and huge change in our marriage?” The honest answer is…you don’t. We know it will be there, just like pain after surgery, but the better question is how do we handle it? My best advice is to be like a good boy scout and come prepared. Don’t discount how stressful it will be during these first few weeks and months. We all hear about how hard it can be to be a parent you just don’t expect it to kick in on day one.

So have a plan of action in place before the baby arrives. For example, have a date night set on the calendar so you make sure to have time just the two of you (here’s where the pushy in-laws can be most useful). Talk about it. Acknowledge to one another that it’s not easy and notice when your spouse is in need of a time out. Give each other a break. Tell your wife to catch a quick movie or get a manicure while you take the Sunday afternoon shift. Or tell your husband who has a huge presentation in the morning that it’s OK if he sleeps in the guest room so he doesn’t have to be awoken for that 2 a.m. feeding. Don’t forget that the mother of your child is also your wife, who likes to be kissed and talked to about other things that don’t involve baby. And don’t forget that the father of your child is still your husband and he needs attention, too. But most importantly go in with the knowledge that this is a time of transition, and like many big transitions it can be difficult and stressful and it will inevitably change the relationship. It’s just how it changes that will determine how your love story as a couple will turn out.