Dear Mr. Dad: Six months ago, my wife and I divorced because she was having an affair. After our divorce, she remarried and my 3-year old son has become attached to her new husband, who showers him with expensive presents. I know my son loves me, but it isn’t easy for me not to feel hurt by their relationship. I don’t want to harm my son’s relationship with his stepfather, so how can I deal with these feelings?

A: Sometimes mothers think they’re the only ones who feel threatened by their ex’s new relationships, but it happens to dads, too. It’s never easy to watch another man come into the picture and “steal” your family. In your situation, such feelings might be worse because of how your marriage ended and how quickly the stepfather entered the picture. Rest assured, though, there’s nothing unusual about your reactions.

First, it’s commendable that you want your son to have a strong, healthy relationship with his stepfather. And you’re absolutely right about that being important. Your son’s transition during this difficult time will be much easier when he has security and support not only in your home but also in his mother’s.

Second, you may be right about the gift issue, too. At your son’s age, gifts probably are the quickest way to his heart. After all, even as adults don’t we tend to like people more when they’re giving us presents? However, your young son has no idea (hopefully) how this man (I’m assuming he was the “other man”) played a part in the break-up of his parent’s marriage.

It’s not easy to deal with the painful feelings you experience when your son talks about or runs to greet his stepfather. But you must continue resisting the urge to mention your negative feelings to your son. Even if you mistakenly told him why you don’t like his stepdad, a child of three could never understand. But if he senses there are some things he shouldn’t tell you, you might be setting yourself up for future problems. No matter how painful, you have to keep open the lines of communication between you—even when you are discussing his stepfather.

Also, you can’t allow your hurt feelings to interfere with your responsibility as a parent. You may have an urge to fight back against the stepfather by buying your son presents you can’t afford and by getting lax on discipline. Spoiling your son and permitting him to ignore rules may make you his favorite parent in the short run, but in the big picture you won’t be doing him any favors. And, if that’s the type of treatment he’s getting at his mother’s home, he needs you even more to be a strong but loving Dad.

Realize too that your feelings aren’t only based on the fear of losing your son to his stepfather. You also must have many complicated feelings about the divorce—especially one that ended due to adultery. You feel hurt, betrayed, and vulnerable – all things guys aren’t ‘supposed’ to feel. With time, the pain will subside. It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen and eventually, your resentment towards the stepfather will also soften. You may never like him, but you will be able to tolerate his role in your son’s life.

Also, you need to keep moving on with your life. You don’t have to start dating right away, but go out and start living again. Go out with friends, meet new people, and get involved in activities. Something as simple as having your friends over to watch a movie or to play poker can improve your outlook on everything.

Above all else, though, keep being an active part of your son’s life. By making sure he knows you’re always there for him, in his heart you won’t be replaced by another man.

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m the mother of five kids under six and I’m on the verge of divorce. The problem is that I am taking care of the kids single-handedly and my husband hardly lifts a finger. When he does, I complement him, and I never criticize the way he does things. He’s a doctor and works long hours, but am I expecting too much for him to make a meal once in a while, do some laundry, or wash a few dishes? I know men see things differently than women but he seems to be a little extreme. How much help can I realistically expect?

A: The short answer to your question is that you should realistically expect a heck of a lot more help from your husband. If you were running a day care you probably couldn’t get a license to care for that many kids by yourself.

Sounds like you’re doing just about everything right–you’re supportive, encouraging, and you’ve relaxed your standards a little. So now it’s time for your husband to step up to the plate.

The two of you need to sit down and talk over your various roles and the expectations you have for each other. If he’s working full time, it’s reasonable—to a point–for you to do most of the child-related things. But not all, if for no other reason than he’s missing out on having any kind of relationship with his kids.

At the risk of stereotyping doctors, are you able to afford to hire someone to help you out part-time? At the very least, you can probably hire someone to come in for three or four hours a week and cook a week or two’s worth of meals. My wife and I have done this on occasion and it’s wonderful. With all your other responsibilities, it might take you two days to get the same thing done.

Finally, consider going on strike. Your husband may rethink his position when he runs out of clean underwear and has to start making his own lunches and dinners. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to tell him that you’re overworked and the only way you can make sure the kids are taken care of is to give up a few other jobs.

Dear Mr. Dad: My fiancée and I recently had a baby. I’m thrilled with everything, but I can’t help but feel like I’m taking a backseat to her parents. It’s almost as if their opinions matter more than mine. Is there anything I can do or say?

A: Much as you may not want to hear this, in the minds of your fiancée’s parents, their opinion DOES matter more than yours. Their daughter just gave birth to their grandchild, and they consider themselves to be the best authority on all things related not only to their new grandchild, but to their daughter as well. That’s a tough dynamic to change, but you can do it.

The big kicker is that your fiancée has to be on board with you in order to make that change. First of all, you and she will need to have some serious discussions about what, exactly, your role is going to be and what “involved father” means to each of you. It is not uncommon for the man and woman to have very different expectations. Be very specific with each other about who’ll be doing what. Who gets up for those three AM feedings? Who’s responsible for the diapers—both changing and buying? When will you introduce solid foods and what will that food be? Will you use a playpen or not? Should your baby sleep in the same bed as you and your fiancée? Are you going to teach your baby sign language? A lot of couples avoid dealing with these issues because they’re afraid they’ll lead to conflict. But dealing with them now will make life easier for both of you in the long run.

Once you hammer out your roles, your fiancée will have to be the one to break the news to her parents. They won’t hear it from you. She’ll need to tell them, respectfully, that you and she have decided to raise your child in such and such a way. While you both appreciate their opinions and are very grateful that they’re around to help out, you and she will be parenting the way the two of you have agreed. Yes, her parents did a wonderful job of raising their daughter, but times have changed. She should be sure to tell them what wonderful grandparents they already are, and how, as grandparents, they get to have all the fun of parenting with a lot less of the dirty work.

With any luck, that talk will have the desired effect. If not, your fiancée may have to take it up a notch or two by telling her parents that if they can’t go along with the parenting program as you’ve outlined it and respect the two of you as parents, they simply won’t be able to spend as much time with their grandchild as they’d like to. Hopefully, it won’t come to that.