Corporate downsizing, a sluggish economy and high unemployment has left many people fearful of the future as they struggle to provide for their families. As a result, job fairs are experiencing a record number of attendees and unemployment agencies are being inundated with new applicants daily. In an attempt to obtain employment, today’s job seekers want to know what types of skills are needed and which skills really pay off in the long run. Many are looking to reinvent themselves and retool their skills.

Stopping to ask, “What do I need to learn to fit into today’s job market?” and then seek training to develop the necessary skills are important steps to gainful employment. The concept of reinventing oneself and learning new skills is vital for obtaining employment.

Consider for a moment how the concept of reinventing oneself can also be applied to parenting. Learning new parenting skills is vital to the role of raising responsible children in today’s world. Keep the following suggestions in the forefront of your mind as you look to retool your parenting.

1. Stop parenting the way you were parented. Most parents use similar techniques and strategies to those their parents used with them. “Well my parents did it this way with me and I’m fine,” some parents offer as an excuse to keep from learning alternate ways of managing children’s behavior. Much has changed in our world from when we were growing up as children. Be open to seeing new ways to approach your important role as a parent.

2. Change yourself first. When your child misbehaves, ask yourself, “What is it that I need to know?” “How am I contributing to this behavior?” “What could I do differently that would help my child?” Seek first to understand the situation, the contributing factors, and how you can change yourself. You may discover that you need to add a few tools to your parenting tool box.

3. Reinvent yourself by learning from others. Take parenting classes. Read parenting books. Consult parenting experts. Actively seek information and ideas from the many ways it is provided today. One can find parenting techniques on YouTube under parent professor, in books stores, or by attending workshops in your community.

4. Increase the number of tools in your parenting tool box. When you develop a well-stocked parenting tool box, you increase the likelihood that you will match the most effective tool with the appropriate situation. The more you learn the more options you have when a difficult behavior arises.

5. Learn what best fits your children. Some children are visual learners, some are auditory learners and some are more tactile in their learning. When your child behaves in a way that calls for your correction and guidance, stop to ask yourself what would be the best way to deliver the guidance. Choose the method that fits their learning style and the odds that your child will learn more efficiently increases.

6. Seek to teach and guide, not punish and shame. Your role as a parent is to help your children learn how to manage their own behavior. When you shame, threaten and punish your children, ask yourself, “What is my behavior teaching my children?” Consider that the main lesson you are teaching them is that shame, threatening or physical force is an appropriate way to get what you want in this world. Is that the lesson you want your children to learn?

7. Remember “how” you are, is as important as “what” you do. How you apply a parenting technique is as important as the technique you choose. Take a moment right now to create a vision of yourself being the best parent you have always wanted to be. The next time you implement a parenting strategy, ask yourself, “Is this strategy helping me become that best parent I can be?” If the answer is “No”, choose a different strategy.

In response to the many new challenges that children present today, reinvent yourself. Eliminate the controlling, manipulating strategies of the past. Change the way you handle irritating, annoying, frustrating behavior. Discover what’s best for raising confident, caring children in a world of economic instability. Be certain about your children’s behavioral and emotional future. Retool your parenting.

The old parenting paradigm calls on the parent to control the child. Be in charge. Make the decisions. Set the rules. Enforce those rules. Exercise your rightful parenting authority or your children will become unruly, undisciplined, and out of control.

But hold on. What if it isn’t so? What if a controlling parenting style breeds resistance, resentment, and reluctance? What if it creates defiance or the opposite, blind obedience? What if it fails to produce children who think for themselves, develop a healthy inner-authority, and become decisionally literate?

The power struggles or meek compliance resulting from a heavy parenting control style often breed strained relationships, unempowered children, and frustrated parents. If you are not enamored with the results of attempting to control your children, you might want to examine a shared control style that often leaves the parent with more control than they had to begin with. Consider the art of allowing.

Allow your children by…

1. Offering controlled choices. “You can pick the sweatshirt with the hood or the heavy sweater. You decide.” “We are having milk for dinner. Would you like to choose the pink cup or the green one? The parent controls the choice and the child is allowed to have some control over his own life.

2. Instigate opportunities for consensus seeking. Allow children to have input on where you go on vacation, how you divide household chores or when the family participates in study time. By having some say they learn to use their voice to help create the life they desire.

3. Eliminate commands. “Turn the TV off,” can be replaced with “It’s time for bed.” That change of language allows the child to make the choice to turn off the TV. “I am being bothered by the noise in the other room,” is less commanding than, “Quiet down.” “I am being bothered by the noise in the other room,” communicates without words, “I think you are smart enough to figure out what to do.” It allows the child to come up with an appropriate response.

4. Ask questions. “Why do you think that?” “How are you going to handle that?” “What do you think you will do next time?” These types of questions allow the child to do the thinking.

5. Show empathy and compassion. Resist running in immediately with solutions. Stop offering unsolicited advice. Show compassion first by leading with empathy. “That must really be frustrating,” allows the child to hear your concern and empathy and prevents you from saying, ‘You need to tell your teacher you need help.” “What a shame. That’s terrible, communicates the empathy that allows the child to feel the feeling rather that having to consider your solution to their problem.

6. Don’t care. Stop caring if your child completes her homework or not. If she chooses not to do it at school then she is choosing to do it on Saturday. Allow her to care whether or not she has a free Saturday. If you do all the caring she doesn’t have to.

7. See it all as perfect. If she does her work at school, it is perfect. She is learning to budget her time and take care of her own responsibilities. If she doesn’t do it at school, it is still perfect. It is the perfect time to help her appreciate the cause and effect relationship that exists in your home. Allow her to be the cause of how she spends her Saturday.

8. Let the consequence do the teaching. If you son forgets to pack his tooth guard in his equipment bag and doesn’t have it for Karate, allow him to experience the consequences of his actions. Do not buy a new one. Do not drive him home to get it. Do not rescue him. Allow him, without lecture or reprimand, to feel the results of his actions. him to make the connection himself.

9. Speak Softly. When you volume is turned up, yelling or shouting, your child focuses on your anger rather than on your words. They look at your behavior rather than at their own. Allow them to look within by taking the focus away from yourself by speaking softly.

10. Allow your child to learn her own lesson. If the lesson does not involve a health or safety issue assume that she is the best judge of what she needs to learn. You may want her to do her chores in a timely fashion. She may decide she needs to learn what happens when she ignores her chores. You may think she needs to learn how to create a report on Switzerland. She may know she’ll benefit more from learning what happens when she turns her report in late. Trust you child to attract the appropriate lesson and allow her to experience it.

Any force or control produces a counter force. Reduce power struggles, lessen resistance, and build mutual respect by stepping out of the need to control. Use the ideas above to allow yourself to allow your children to take greater control of their lives. It will help them grow toward becoming responsible, empowered, and self-reliant young adults.

Are you at all interested in raising a thirty-year-old Nintendo player who lays around your house all day eating cold pizza and sucking up diet Pepsi? Probably not. If your are like many of the parents who attend our parenting workshops, creating a thirty-year-old video game player is not high on your list of parenting goals. Our prediction is that you are probably a lot more interested in raising a responsible, caring, conscious youngster who somewhere between the ages of eighteen and twenty-five, is capable of leaving home and living successfully on their own.

Raising a responsible young adult, one who can function effectively in today’s world does not happen by luck, coincidence, or magic. It occurs only where parents set out to make it happen by working diligently and purposefully throughout a child’s life to see that the child learns about independence, responsibility, and personal power. It happens where and when parents work intentionally to make themselves dispensable in a child’s life.

Are you interested in making yourself more dispensable so your child can become more responsible and independent? If so, use the suggestions below to will help you move closer to your goal of raising an independent, autonomous, fully functioning young adult.

1. Believe that making yourself dispensable is your main job as a parent. If you believe that your job is to be needed, that your central role is to do for your children, you will have a difficult time implementing the ideas that follow.

Helping doesn’t always help. Sometimes it creates learned helplessness. When you do for your children the things they can do for themselves, you are over-functioning. Over-functioning begins with the belief that my children need me to do for them. Change that belief to— my job is to help my children do for themselves.

2. Refuse to do for your children what they can do or can learn to do for themselves. Do you do laundry for a teenager? Do you pack your fifth grader’s lunch? Do you tie the shoes and zip the coat of a six-year old? Do you look up phone numbers for your fourth grader? If so you could be over-functioning.

Remember, the more you function, the less your child has to.

3. If you want a behavior, you have to teach a behavior. Children do not naturally know how to bring in firewood, clean the fish bowl, set the table, dry the dishes, or take their own dishes to the sink after dinner. If you don’t teach behaviors, you could end up doing them all yourself.

4. Refrain from answering for your child. We recently overheard a conversation where a friend approached a parent and child and spoke to the child, asking her a direct question, “How are you doing today, Maria?” The mother responded for the child replying, “She’s not in a very good mood today.” The silent message the parent delivered to the child was: “You don’t have to speak up for yourself. I will take care of you.”

When the doctor asks, “Why are you here today?” the neighbor inquires, “What was you favorite birthday present?” or grandma wants to know, “How do you like school this year?” stay out of it. Allow children to answer for themselves.

5. Teach your child to ask for help. One way to do that is to not help them until they ask. Parents often rush in with help before the child has articulated a desire for help. Why would a child ever need to ask for help if help always arrives without asking?

6.Teach children to solve their own problems. Do not say,
“Don’t say anything to your mother. I’ll handle it for you. I know your mother well and I can catch her in a good mood.”

Say instead, “You’re going to have to handle this with your mother. Let me teach you what I know. I generally try to catch her in the afternoon because she gets real busy in the morning. If she’s having a bad hair day, forget it. Also, she responds better if you make it sound like a suggestion rather than a demand. Hopefully, these tips will help. I know you can handle it.” This style of speaking announces to your child that you believe in him and that you see him as capable.

7. Refrain from rescuing children from experiencing the legitimate consequences of their actions. Do not rescue, save, bail them out, let them slide, accept excuses, or fail to hold them accountable for the choices they make. When you refuse to protect children from the choices they make, you allow them to take responsibility for their lives.

Raising responsible children is not an easy task. It takes effort, energy, and persistence. You can do that best when you take steps like the ones listed above to make yourself dispensable.

When economic times are good, you may be inclined to shop with little regard for price or value. But when conditions turn sour it’s another story. As your dollars must now be stretched longer and harder, you’d better spend each of them wisely.

What brand of watch do you wear? Whether a top-of-the-line Rolex or an economy Timex, recognize both keep excellent time. The current models all do a better job than the “precision” pocket watch your Great-grand-uncle Elmo used as a railroad engineer. The only justification for a high-priced model is self-image and the illusion of prosperity. These are both overrated.

And while on the subject of small mechanical devices which serve a need, consider the hyperbole employed by one firm to convince us of the importance of a $600 ballpoint pen. The arguments include an appreciation of beauty and workmanship, the profound emotional experience you receive utilizing a fine writing implement, and the implication you will be admired by clients and associates for your taste and culture. There are two fascinating aspects of this campaign, the first being that the hired pitchmen manage to keep a straight face while reading their lines. The other is that anyone not certifiably demented actually believes a word of it.

What can be said about wristwatches and ballpoint pens is equally true as to other highly promoted products. These include magazine offerings, timeshare projects, $300 per ounce bottles of perfume, Las Vegas weekend getaways, and the purchase of lottery tickets, to name just a few. As a rule of thumb, the more overpriced the merchandise, the more innovative its promotion.

Let me offer a few other examples of money badly spent, which added up over a lifetime represents a fair chunk of your earnings. Twenty-four rolls of a popular brand of toilet paper is available at Wal-Mart for $10.19. Six rolls of the same product, selling at a major market of $6.46, are easily dropped into a shopping cart. The 250% markup doesn’t seem to bother many housewives. It should.

And speaking of paper products, where might stationery be bought cheaply? Except for top-grade rag content or custom-engraved stock, avoid the stationery stores. Even the major discounters are not the places to go. A little comparison-shopping reveals paper supply houses offer the lowest prices, and most are open to the general public.

When you fill your car with gasoline, does the lesser-priced regular grade or the higher-priced premium grade end up in your tank? Don’t base your decision on assurances by the service station manager promoting the more expensive fuel, but on performance you can actually experience. The fundamental difference between the two grades is octane number⎯burning speed—when in earlier years slower burning helped prevent engine “knock.” Because of the lower compression ratios of today’s cars, most function satisfactorily on 87-octane fuel. Unless that causes your auto engine to “ping” when climbing a slight hill, use the cheaper fuel.

I hope this message is coming across clearly. Don’t make your buying decisions based on urging from shopkeepers or exhortation from advertising. Sharpen your buying habits with a healthy dose of skepticism. Look closely at the product, read the specifications, verify the quality, and compare prices. You’ll often find what is claimed is not what is offered. In most of your purchases you are less familiar with a product than are its vendors. You can overcome this disadvantage with a little effort and by educating yourself. The results are cumulative and your performance will improve with time.

Many of our thoughts about parenting are outdated. Used by our parents and others who have come before us, they have been passed on as worn out hand-me downs that no longer fit the time, the place, or us as uncommon parents.

We recently met a man on an airplane that proudly informed us, “Spanking worked for my grandparents, was used on me by my parents, and I am upholding the family tradition. What worked for them, will work for me.”

What this young parent doesn’t grasp is that spanking did not work for any of the generations he mentioned. It failed miserably to show children a model other than “might makes right.” It failed to produce grownups that felt no need to hit their own children. It failed to create adults that were skilled enough at parenting not to have to resort to physical punishment. In each generation spanking failed to help children grow into the type of parent this world so desperately needs, one that models a respect for human dignity even in the midst of holding children accountable for their actions. It failed to break the chain of unskilled parenting.

Do you want to create something new for yourself as a parent and for your children in 2009? If so, it is important to pay attention to your thoughts. Perhaps 2009 is the time to discard some of those old, dysfunctional thoughts and turn them in for new, more helpful ones. Consider the following suggestions.

1. If you have been thinking your job is to insist that children follow an outside authority and learn to obey, consider changing your thoughts to thinking your job is to help children develop their own inner-authority.

2. Do you think the most important part of what just happened with your children is what you do about what just happened with your children? If so, why not alter that thought? Think instead that the most important part of what just happened with your children is how you choose to be in response to what just happened.

3. Do you think judgmental thoughts about mistakes your children make, seeing mistakes as bad and as behavior to be avoided? If so, 2009 could become the year to think of mistakes as learning experiences and opportunities for teaching.

4. If your thoughts reveal a demand that your children think, feel, and act the way you do, rethink that traditional parenting position. Take an uncommon parenting approach by thinking thoughts that recognize that your children are different from you and encourage them to become their own person.

5. A thought system that continually looks for your children to improve can be altered to one that helps you look inward to examine your own beliefs, skills, and attitudes about parenting. In that way you can come to believe that in order to raise children that grow up to be like no one else you have to raise yourself first by working to raise your consciousness so you can parent like no one else.

6. Do you think it is your job as a parent to fill your children up with goodness? Think instead, in 2009, that your real job is to find the goodness in your children that already exists and allow it to emerge.

The important change you are looking for in 2009 may well be a change emanating from deep within yourself. Remember you can think whatever thoughts you want about the sacred role of parenting. And you can believe whatever you want to believe. Choose carefully because whatever you think and believe, you will create as true for yourself.

Many parents do not know how, do not want to, or lack the communication skills necessary to talk to their children about money in general. So when a money crisis develops, the potential to pass fearful and negative attitudes towards money to the next generation increases.

How effective are you at talking about money? What words do you use when you talk about money in front of or directly to your children? Below you will find a list of the ten best things you can say to your children about money. Use it to gauge your money talk skill level.

10 Best

1. “It’s allowance time. Everybody get your envelopes!” One of the main reasons for having allowances is to teach children about budgeting. The envelope system will help you do that. Children are concrete thinkers. That means if it is not in their hands, it is not in their minds. Envelopes will help you make the teaching of budgeting a concrete process. Label envelopes with several budget areas, including savings, investment, charity, and spending. Children can divide their own allowance by placing the amount of money they choose in the appropriate envelopes.

2. “I’m willing to pay part of it.” This phrase is useful when your child wants something that exceeds the budgeted amount you had earmarked in your budget. If you had $80 set aside for sneakers and they want a pair that costs over $100, this sentence defines your limit. It also invites the child to take responsibility for coming up with the difference. It curbs feelings of entitlement and allows children to take ownership for achieving their desires. In addition, if some of their money is invested in the article, they are more likely to take care of it.

3. “Did you bring any of your money?” This money talk question is helpful for those situations where children ask impulsively for things while you are shopping. It helps them to see that they need to have forethought in the money purchases they make.

4. “The car needs to be washed. What do you think that’s worth?” The purpose of a child’s allowance is so they can learn how to spend, save, and use money. If they want or feel they need more money than the allowance provides, there are additional ways to get it. Doing out of the ordinary jobs around the house, over and above their normal chores, is one way for them to earn additional income. This will help them internalize the concept that if they want more they can work more.

5. “Help me figure out the tip.” This type of money talk helps children in several ways. In addition to providing a real life example to use basic math skills, it also gives children the awareness of the cost of the meal so they can appreciate what is being provided for them. Learning about tipping also gives children the message that being appreciative for the service provided is expressed in the form of a tip.

6. “Oh, I think you gave me the wrong change.” Allow your children to overhear you telling cashiers or waiters when the change is incorrect. If you were short changed it models sticking up for yourself. If you received too much change, your words demonstrate honesty and communicate integrity around money.

7. “Our charity jar is almost full. What should we do with the money this time?” Teach the charity habit by contributing to a charity jar regularly at allowance time. Set a goal as a family as to how much you want to accumulate during a specific time frame. Watch as the jar fills up with the individual family contributions. Decide together where to donate the money. Give your children opportunities to have input on this important decision.

8. “Wow! I found a quarter. The money just keeps on coming.” Money comes to us in a variety of ways and in unexpected times and places. Finding a coin on the ground is a sign that the universe is continually active in providing money for those who are open to receiving it. Stay open and allow the Attraction Principle to bring you money even in the smallest of ways. It is a sign that more it is on the way. Appreciate what you receive verbally so that your children can hear your gratefulness.

9. “Bummer. Sounds like you have a money problem. What can you do about it?” This piece of money talk communicates to children that the current money problem they face is their problem. It informs them you will be the supportive listener, but not a rescuer. With this style of language, you also remind yourself that there are times when allowing children to experience the consequences of their actions and choices is the best way for them to learn.

10. “You don’t have to wait until you’re a grown-up.” Children can make money, own a business, save money, invest in the stock market, and give to charities. Money is not just for adults. It is for anyone who has parents that are willing to help their children become financially literate.

Bailout Wall Street. Bailout the banks. Bailout the people and institutions that got us in this financial mess to begin with. Is that a good idea? Who knows? Certainly not us.

We do not know enough, nor do we claim to know enough, about the current economic crisis facing our nation to be telling people what to do about it. We do not have sufficient understanding of all the interlocking ramifications of doing or not doing a financial bailout. The situation is outside our area of expertise.

What is not beyond our level of expertise, however, is what to do about the issue of bailing out our children. We firmly believe it is not helpful to rescue, save, or bailout children for their inappropriate choices or actions that result in natural consequences that would not be a health or safety risk to them. If fact, it is harmful. When you do so, you teach your children they do not have to be responsible for their choices and actions. You show them that the cause-and-effect relationship that is at work in the universe does not apply to them because someone will always be there to save them from experiencing the legitimate consequences of their actions.

Do you bail out your children? Are you inadvertently teaching them they do not have to act responsibly because they will not be held accountable for their choices? Consider the following.

1. If you are running lunch, homework, gym shoes, band instruments, or other forgotten objects to school, you are bailing out your children. You are not giving them a real reason to remember the forgotten object next time. Your job is to teach your children a system for remembering. Their job is to use the system.

2. Do you return home to get forgotten shin guards for soccer or a teeth guard for karate? Again, teach your children a system for remembering. If they forget, allow them to experience the natural outcome of their behavior. Give them a real life reason to remember in the future. Why would they ever have to remember if someone keeps bailing them out?

3. Do you give advances on allowances? If so, you are rescuing. One of the reasons for allowances is to help children learn that if they spend it all the first day, there is no more until next week. You are depriving children of the opportunity to learn an important lesson when you bail them out. Allow them to deal with the outcomes of their spending, saving, or budgeting choices.

4. Are you a rescuer with your child’s homework? Do you care more than they do? To step out of the rescuer role, be available to help with homework, set a study time and create a study place. Once again, your job is to create the structure. Their job is to use it. If they come to you at 9 p.m. and inform you they need a poster board for a project, resist the urge to jump in the car and drive all over town trying to find one. Procrastination on their part does not necessitate an emergency on your part. Allow them to experience the consequences.

5. When your teen gets in over her head with a cell phone bill, parking tickets, or lack of gas for her car, rejoice. She now has the opportunity to learn a valuable lesson about the importance of keeping control of her spending behavior. Allow her to learn the lesson. If she doesn’t learn it now, she will have to learn it later when the stakes are higher. Debrief the situation with her and help her create a system for keeping track of her spending. This will come in handy when she goes off to college and someone offers her a free T-shirt if she accepts a credit card. Better to learn this lesson now rather than later.

6. Did your son visit an inappropriate Web site on your computer? If so, it is time to remind him that opportunity equals responsibility. When responsibility in using the computer goes down, so does the opportunity to use it. Hold him accountable so he can experience the consequences before he gets another opportunity to use the computer. Then increase your level of monitoring and reset your Internet safety programs.

7. If your child accidentally breaks a neighbor’s window with a football, help her create a plan for paying for it. Help her learn that her actions produce results and that she is responsible for the results she creates. If you bail her out by paying for the window without having a payment plan in place, you teach her that she doesn’t have to be responsible for her actions.

Resist the urge to bailout your children regardless of what you see modeled in our culture or government. When you regularly hold your children accountable (with an open heart), they will learn to see themselves as the cause of the results they produce. As you help them experience the direct relationship between cause and effect, they will become more empowered and view themselves as both capable and responsible. We could use more of that attitude today in our government, in our businesses, and in our world.

Do your children interrupt you when you’re talking? Does the house seem completely quiet until you pick up the phone, and then your children immediately demand your attention? Have you ever attempted to have an important conversation with your spouse, but the kids couldn’t seem to leave you alone? If so, then you’re experiencing a common frustration for many parents: the interruption disruption.

So what can parents do about this situation? How do we get our children to stop interrupting without sending them the message that we don’t want to hear what they have to say?

The key to handling the interruption disruption lies in teaching children how and when to speak up. Simply put, if you want a behavior, you have to teach a behavior. Children do not understand when interrupting is or is not appropriate. Nor do they often demonstrate the skills that will enable them to speak up effectively when it is appropriate. They don’t understand the power of words and how to use them to create positive change in their lives.

To help your children learn to curb the interrupting habit, start with these steps.

Step 1 – Create a signal. Before you find yourself in the situation where interrupting occurs, establish a signal or sign that your children can use to let you know they want to talk to you. You might try having them place a hand on your shoulder or touch you gently on the side. These are signals used by many parents.

Step 2 – Practice the signal. Practice the signal several times by role-playing before putting it into use. Then have a few of your friends or relatives call you on the telephone when your children are around. See how it works, and debrief as needed.

Step 3 – Teach children the difference between important and unimportant reasons to interrupt. Talk to your children about what is and what isn’t an acceptable reason to interrupt. One acceptable reason is if someone is hurt or in danger. If your son witnesses a dangerous situation, teach him to communicate it quickly and directly. Give him some starter words that will tip you off that he is communicating potential danger. “Mom, I see danger,” “Shannon needs help,” or “Trouble alert” work well as clues that danger is at hand.

Unless there is immediate danger, inform your children that you will turn your attention to them when a break in the conversation allows. This means that they might have to wait fifteen or twenty seconds after they give you the signal as outlined in step one. Once you feel or see the signal, you don’t have to immediately end your discussion and attend to your child. However, fifteen seconds is a long time in the mind of a young child who is working on being patient, so you want to move in that direction quickly. It is important that you practice this scenario, too. If you wait several minutes after getting the signal before you give your child attention, you will sabotage the entire process.

Step 4 – Give friendly reminders to encourage use of the signal. Your children will not automatically start using the signal the first time they feel like interrupting. You will need to remind them as they learn this new behavior. “Michael, that’s interrupting. Please use the signal we practiced” and “Angel, touch me on the shoulder if you are wanting my attention right now” are examples of ways to encourage a return to signal use.

Have patience with this fourth step. Be ready for some misuse and some forgetting of the signal. It is going to take your children time to learn that you have not forgotten them and that you will attend to their need in a timely fashion. Children are used to the world revolving around them, and it is often difficult for them to wait while you meet some of your needs. When they regularly experience having you slowly stop your conversation, attend to their need, and then return to your conversation, they will realize they are still connected to you and that you are still available to them.

It may also take time for you to remember to respond to the signal quickly and give appropriate reminders to your children. Keep refining the process until it works smoothly for all concerned. Remember, the end result of your effort is a child who grows into an adult who knows how and when to interrupt. By implementing the above strategies with respect, patience, and understanding we help our children gain skill and confidence when speaking up for themselves.

“Hello Jasmine,” Mrs. Roberts said as she passed the thirteen-year-old middle schooler in the hall between classes. Deliberate and sustained eye contact accompanied the simple greeting. Jasmine nodded and both student and educator continued on their way toward individual destinations.

The scenario above appears to be a typical exchange between a teacher and her student, the kind of thing that occurs routinely in any middle school, on any day, in any part of the world. In reality, this meeting is far from typical. Mrs. Johnson does not have Jasmine as a student and the greeting was planned deliberately with specific intention. It was part of a much larger effort called Silent Mentoring.

Silent Mentoring is a program currently being implemented by many schools who are concerned about students who do not appear to be connected. These isolates have few friends and spend much time alone. They eat by themselves, study by themselves, and walk the halls by themselves. They seem to be on the outside looking in and are never really part of the action. Silent Mentoring is an effort by professional educators to reach out to these students and connect.

Students are identified as candidates for this program based on observations made by teachers, administrators, and counselors. The students are not told that they have been selected. They are matched with a volunteer educator, one who does not currently have the student in class. Not every teacher in these schools participate.

Once the educator and student are matched up the educators are expected to make three reach out efforts a week. Reach out strategies can include morning greetings, asking the student how he liked the assembly, or commenting on the book the he selected in the media center. Other strategies that are detailed in the Silent Mentoring handbook include;

A. Sending “I noticed” Statements.

“I noticed you like to wear red.”
“I noticed you real a lot of sports books.”
“I noticed you got here a little late this morning.”

“I noticed” is not designed to evaluate as in “I noticed you did a good job.” It is intended to deliver an important message,“I see you. You are not invisible here.”

B. Touch with Your Eyes

Use sustained eye contact. Eyes say, “I care about you. You are important to me.”

C. Engage in Proximity Behavior

This strategic placement move puts you in the proximity of the student you wish to influence. Purposefully be in the vicinity of that student more than you normally would. Making a conscious effort to be around him or her shows interest and concern. And this happens simply by your presence.

D. Smile

Do this with intentionality. Be genuine and sincere.

E. Use Names

The sweetest sound in any language is the sound of your own name.

“Good morning, Juan.”
“Melinda, you look like you are in a hurry.”
“Is this seat taken, Tevi?”

Silent Mentoring takes its name from the fact that no formal announcements are made that the event is happening. There is no structured time in which it has to occur. No newspaper articles are written. No sound bites are delivered. The entire process is pretty much a secret.

Silent mentoring happens best and has the biggest impact when students least expect it. That’s why students are not assigned to their regular teacher. If the reach out program is implemented in the classroom students often think it is being done because it is your job. After all you are their teacher. You are being paid to like them. Reach out in the hall, in the lunchroom, and at the basketball game. Do it if you run into the student downtown or in the mall.

Do not require students to respond. You might say “hello” and get nothing back. Eye contact and smiles may not be returned. Keep reaching out anyway. You are touching this student on some level whether you see the results or not.

Do you know an isolated student who feels that no one likes them? Do you see someone who doesn’t seem to fit in or belong? Are you aware of someone who needs some connectedness in their life? Do you know that for relationships in general can improve for this student she has to develop a relationship with someone and realize that someone likes her? Guess who has the best chance of becoming that person for this student?

Why not be a Silent Mentor?

Some parents give their children designer clothes, foreign trips and a personal TV. Others give them attention and experiences and hold them accountable for their actions. What do your children get? Are you unknowingly depriving your children of important lessons and learnings? Find out here by taking the Deprived Child Test. See how you score. Which of the following items do you give your children? Rate yourself for each on a scale of 0-3.

0= never
1= rarely
2= once in a while
3= regularly

Do you give your children . . .

1. Regular trips to the library. Buying your children 100 books does not count. Do you take your children to the library and allow them to select books of their own interest and let them be responsible for returning them on time? Creating a spot in your home for library books that are to be returned helps young children take some responsibility for their care.

2. Instruction about and responsibilities for lawn care. Does your teen know how to run a lawn mower? Does your 10-year-old know how to fill it with gas? Does your eight-year-old know how to clean it off when you are finished using it? If you hire a lawn service, you are depriving your older children of opportunities to participate and your toddlers of seeing you perform the important tasks.

3. Responsibilities with laundry. Do the younger children put their dirty clothes in the hamper? Do those who are older help you sort the laundry by colors? Does your preadolescent help you fold it? Does your teen do his or her own laundry? Does everyone take their clean laundry and put it away? If adults take total responsibility for laundry in your home, subtract one point. Your children are deprived.

4. Opportunities to see plants grow. Do you have a flower garden? Do you grow corn or carrots? Does your child have a tomato plant that is his to care for and nurture? Has she seen a seed turn into a flowering plant and had an opportunity to discuss the miracle it represents? Bringing home flowers from the florist does not count.

5. Respectful disagreement. Have your children seen you and your spouse disagree respectfully? Have you provided them with a model of fair fighting, honoring different perspectives, and listening to the other in the face of disagreement? If you yell or pout you are depriving your children of witnessing incidents of mature disagreement and of living with mature individuals who serve as role models for how to disagreed with respect and civility.

6. Sex stereotypes. Do you create opportunities for your children to see men and women working as equals? Does your son witness women being as capable as men and is his mental attitude one of equality between the sexes as a result of having witnessed his parents’ role-modeling equality? Do you allow your daughter to participate in lawn care duties or only in chores that concern the inside of the house? Does your son help with cleaning the house and doing dishes? Do your children see both parents share the duties of parenting equally?

7. Experiences with nature. Do your children play outside as much as inside? Does your family walk through the woods and take trips to a nature center? Have you been to the beach or fishing in a stream? Can your children identify the names of trees, birds, and other wildlife? If your child spends more than one hour per day watching television or playing computer/video games, subtract one point for each hour over that time limit.

8. Accountability. Are your children held accountable for their actions in a way that helps them understand the relationship between cause and effect? Do you establish outcomes for your children’s choices that are reasonable, related and respectful? Do you follow through with consequences or deprive your children of a culture of accountability by caving in and regularly giving them one more last chance?

9. Construction. Have you built a snow fort, a sand castle, a tower of blocks, a house of cards, a pillow fort in the living room, a double-decker cake, a model airplane, or a puzzle with your children in the past few weeks? Have you made a piece of clothing or a pizza from scratch? Remember, when you build together you are not only creating the physical structure or object, you are also building a connection and a stronger parent/child relationship.

10. Laughter. When was the last time you went rolling down a hill with your children and ended up laughing hysterically? Do you share jokes and funny experiences with them? Do you have a tickle party where you tickle and let yourself be tickled? Do your children know what makes you laugh? Do you laugh together? Subtract two points if family laughter occurs when others make a mistake or appear foolish.

11. Mess making. Have you ever put shaving cream on the kitchen table or mixed ripped toilet paper with wet soap shavings to make “clean” mud? Have you tipped over the couch to make a tunnel fort or pitched a tent in the living room for indoor camping? Have you played in spilled milk, splashed in mud puddles or slid in the grass in the rain? Have you participated in a water balloon fight lately or sprayed each other while you washed the car? Do you let happy messes happen or are you keeping a lid on every moment of each experience so that nothing gets dirty or out of place?

12. Time. Do you have regular conversations with your children? Do you have scheduled family meals that everyone attends? Do you shoot baskets, play checkers, ride bikes, and build paper airplanes? Do you have a family hobby like baseball card collecting, scouting, putting puzzles together, camping, or horseback riding?

Add up your score and determine where you fit on the scale below. Be honest with yourself. You don’t have to show your results to anyone or get down on yourself if you don’t compile a high score. Treat this as a learning experience that will help you make sure your children are not deprived.

The Deprived Child Test Scoring Scale

36-30……….. Congratulations. You are regularly providing your children with a healthy variety of opportunities to learn.

29-24………..You and your children are missing valuable lessons in a few areas. With a few adjustments you can quickly design new and enriching experiences that will help your children grow and expand in important areas.

23-18………..It is clearly time for you to get conscious about your role as a parent and make some major changes. Your children will continue to be deprived unless you purposefully create more learning opportunities for them. The time to begin is now.

17-0————Your children are badly deprived. It is time for you to totally revamp what you do as a parent by making serious changes in your everyday activities. Get moving, doing, being with, and experiencing with your children.

Use the information you glean from taking and scoring this test to strengthen the type of experiences you provide for your children. Congratulate yourself for areas where you scored high. Use your low scores as valuable information to help you and your family move forward toward creating and sharing quality experiences for all.

Johnny Johnson’s thirteen your old daughter stayed up later than usual to finish her homework recently. She was working on a writing assignment that was due in the morning. Her middle school teacher had assigned it a week earlier, but like a lot of teens, the youngster saved her writing efforts until the last minute.

Mr. Johnson’s daughter, Sabrina, had talked about the assignment earlier in the week. Her job was to pick one of her heroes and tell why this particular person was a hero to her. Gentle reminders from her father about completing the assignment during the week fell on deaf ears. “I’ve got it under control,” Sabrina told him, “I have it already written in my head. This will be an easy one. I just have to take what I already know and put it on paper”

If your child received an assignment like this, which would they write about? A rock star, athlete, politician, or a television personality? Maybe they would write about a teacher, a clergyman, or a fireman. One would hope that the recipient of this attention would be someone her parents respected and thought worthy of their child’s esteem and adulation.

Later, after his daughter had gone to bed, Mr. Johnson noticed her writing assignment lying on the study table. It only took one glance for a rush of strong emotion to begin running through his body. He was stunned by what he saw. On the top of the first page was the title of her essay. It stated: My Father, My Hero.

Johnny Johnson began to cry. What a compliment! What an unexpected affirmation of all he had attempted to be as a father!

Who would your child write about if given this assignment? Do you wish they would write about you? It could happen. Especially if your actions today are heroic, if you behave like a hero in front of your children. Listed below are several ways to be a hero to your children. Add them to your repertoire of heroic actions. Do it as a father’s day gift to yourself. You deserve it and so do your children.

1.) Be the good Samaritan. Stop to help a stranded motorist. Rake the leaves of an elderly couple. Bake cookies for the nursing home residents. Allow your children to help and witness a caring father in action.

2.) Be approachable. Tell your teens that the front porch light is a signal. Whenever the light is on that means you are available to talk, even if you are asleep. Tell the little ones that your easy chair is your listening chair. If they ever have a concern, question, or frustration they can ask to sit in the listening chair with their father. Follow through.

3.) Attend sporting events, concerts, and school activities. Be visible in the stands when your child participates. If your child can see you, she knows you can see her. Demonstrate good sportsmanship and appropriate manners.

4.) Search for Solutions. Focus on problem-solving with your children. Minimize blame and punishment. Focus on finding solutions instead. Give your children a model of a father who cares about finding ways to fix things rather than making people pay for their errors.

5.) Hold your children accountable. Holding your children accountable for their actions and choices is one of the most loving things you can do as a father. If you don’t hold your children accountable, someone else might have to.

6.) Be consistent. It’s not the severity of a consequence that has the impact. It is the certainty. The kiss of death for any discipline system is inconsistency. Hold your children accountable for their actions with an open heart and do it with consistency.

7.) Take their suggestions seriously. You children have ideas about what to do on your next vacation. They know certain places they like to eat. They have ideas on how to spend entertainment money. It is not necessary to use all their suggestion. It is necessary to hear them all, think about them, and give them serious consideration.

8.) Teach. Teach your child to hit a baseball, ride a bike, and use a fork appropriately. Resist the effort to outsource important learning to other groups and individuals. Teach your child to care for pets, treat all living things with respect, and appreciate nature. Model ecaxtly how loving and compassionate a strong man can be.

9.) Invest in experiences rather than things. You child does not need a brand new $400 sandbox with a swing set attached that comes preassembled.. He needs the experience of going out in the back yard with his father and building a sandbox together. One more new toy is not necessary. What is needed is the experience of taking a trip to the lake, the library, or to a rodeo.

10.) Make charity visible. Let you children see your trips to the Red Cross o give blood. Let them participate in the decision on how to spend the money in the family charity jar. Let them help pick out the coat that goes to the Coats for Kids program. Allow them to put the money in the church plate as is passed down the pew.

What to be a hero in your child’s life? Add some of these ideas to your tool box of parenting strategies. Someday you just might discover your child’s writing assignment entitled, My Father, My hero.

Millions of people are currently using the law of attraction to produce the ideal mate, create a meaningful job, build wealth, and attract health for themselves. However, the future of our world rests not on who can create the most wealth, but on how our children embrace the responsibility of creating a better world. Teaching the law of attraction is as a vital addition to the life skills every child needs in order to grow and evolve into who and what they want to be.

To that end we offer the following guidelines to consider when teaching the law of attraction to the important children in your life.

1. Begin with yourself. Let your children observe you using the law of attraction in your own life, setting goals, discussing your feelings, creating a vision board, outlining action steps, making adjustments as mistakes occur, and allowing what you desire to come to you.

2. Start early. Don’t wait until your child can understand an abstract concept like the law of attraction before you begin helping him see its effects. Start now by talking about how we create our own reality with our thoughts and feelings. Yes, you will have to re-teach this lesson through all the ages and stages of childhood.

3. Look for the teachable moments. Use what the universe brings you to teach important lessons. If your child says, “Third grade is going to be hard,” use that comment to teach him about the importance of thoughts. If you see a sign vibrating in the wind, point it out and talk about how all things are vibrating, even thoughts. The law of attraction can be taught in small increments as opportunities arise.

4. Help children clarify their wants. Many children find it easy to identify and state what they don’t want. “I don’t want come home so early.” “I don’t want to eat my vegetables.” What our children don’t understand is that they get what they predominately think about, whether it is what they want or what they don’t want. Help your children turn their focus from what they don’t want into what they do want by stating it in the positive present tense. “I don’t want to come home so early,” can be restated as “I want to stay out a half hour later tonight.” “I don’t want to eat my vegetables,” is rephrased as “I would rather eat an orange instead of vegetables for supper.”

5. Help children understand their feelings. Feelings and emotions are the guidance system that lets us know if our thoughts are vibrating with what is best for us. Negative feelings are an indication that we are on a path of attracting more of what we don’t want. Teach children to identify feelings and how to use them as a guide. Remember, when we are feeling happy, tranquil, peaceful, and safe, we are connecting with the vibrational essence that manifests a better world.

There is no big secret to helping children understand the law of attraction. You teach it like you would teach anything else. Commit yourself to it, invest time in doing it, practice, debrief, and do it all over again.

Once children understand the relationship between their thoughts and emotions and what the universe manifests, they will experience the power that comes from providing direction to their own lives. At that point the world opens and there is nothing that is unavailable to them.

• My teen came home with a poor report cart. How do I talk to her about it?
• I want to praise my son for his recent grades but I don’t want to go overboard. How should I handle it?
• What do you say to a child who has a decent report card but you know they could do so much better?

These are just a few of the questions we have received in recent weeks via email, at workshops, or from clients. These parents, who place a high emphasis on grades, want to know what to say and how to talk to children about the grades and the comments teachers place on their report cards. To that end, we offer the following ten rules for talking to your children about grades.

1. Begin early. Talk with your children about grades before report cards come out. Clearly define what you think about grades and what expectations you have for your children regarding grades from the beginning of their school experience. Don’t wait until you hold a report card in your hands before you begin this important communication.

2. Remember, your children are not their grades. Grades are only a partial reflection of who and what they really are, know, and are capable of becoming. Grades measure only what your child’s particular school defines as smart. That narrow definition of intelligence does not measure emotional intelligence, spontaneity, integrity, trustworthiness, fortitude, sensitivity, creativity and a host of other important characteristics.

3. Rewards are ineffective if a love of learning is your goal. Paying kids ten dollars for each A, treating them to ice cream if they bring home a good report card, or buying a new video game if they get on the honor role promotes only short-term results at best. What getting rewards for grades really teaches children is that you don’t study so you can learn and grow, you study so you can get a treat or special concert tickets. You are teaching your children that learning is not the goal; grades are.

4. Move up in consciousness before you move in with action. Take three deep breaths or count to ten before you say anything in response to a report card. Talk to yourself before you talk to the child. Remind yourself that he or she is not his or her grades. He is love and light, a child of God. Remember that what is, is. You cannot change these grades. They are what they are. It is where the child goes from here, what she does with the information that is on the report card, that is important. The next step is the only one that can be taken now. When you have all that in mind and you are emotionally under control, move to action using the following rules for discussing grades.

5. Listen more than talk. When discussing a report card, ask lots of questions. Ask your child: How do you feel about these grades? What do you attribute them to? Were there any surprises on this report card for you? What are you most proud of? Are there any disappointments here for you? What is one goal you have for next time?

6. Be descriptive rather than evaluative. Evaluative words like “good job,” “excellent,” “superb,” “lousy,” “pitiful,” and “poor” are not helpful. Evaluation does not teach or give the child useful information. Describe what you see and leave the evaluation for the child. “Looks like you’re a bit down from last time.” “Two teachers mentioned missing assignments.” Children who receive a positive report card need affirmation, not evaluation. Affirm what they have accomplished with descriptive comments. “I notice you went up in two classes.” “Every one of your teachers said they enjoyed having you in class.”

7. Separate the deed from the doer. “I love you and I don’t like this report card” helps the child see that it is the results you don’t enjoy, not the person. Help your children see that they are not their report card. Likewise, stay away from comments such as, “I love you so much when you bring home a report card like this.” This style of communication obviously tells the child that your love is linked to high grades, so if the grades go down so will your love.

8. Focus on solution seeking. Dwelling on what you have defined as a problem brings negative energy to the situation and keeps you stuck in what is. Attention to solution seeking infuses the discussion with positive energy and helps you concentrate on moving things forward to a different ending. Fix the problem rather than fixing blame by searching for solutions.

9. Punishments don’t work. Consequences and natural outcome do. What are natural consequences of poor grades? Having a tutor work with you on Saturday mornings. Going to a learning specialist three days a week after school. Investing part of your summer retaking a class. Explain to your child that “opportunity equals responsibility.” When the responsibility stays up (a satisfactory report card), so does the opportunity to choose your own activities on Saturday mornings. When the responsibility drops, so does the opportunity.

10. Communicate positive expectations. One of the best things you can do for your children is to expect their success and communicate that to them. Use surprise talk when presented with a negative report card. “Wow. This is surprising,” and “I never expected this” are ways to communicate that you hold higher expectations of them than the report card reflects. When they bring home a positive report card, use surprise talk in a different way. “Knowing you the way I do, this type of report doesn’t surprise me.” “This doesn’t surprise me. Not after the way I have seen you study and prepare for tests. Congratulations.”

Report cards come home several times a year. You will have more than one opportunity to use these rules with your children. When you do use them, keep in mind that your relationship with your child is more important than anything written on their report card.

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