Q: Why do my children fall apart at the holidays? It certainly seems to be the case around here, especially around my in-laws, that my children become ear-splittingly unhappy whenever there is an extended family gathering. It’s so incredibly *embarrassing* that every time my sister-in-law sees my daughter that child has a complete tantrum! Is she just picking up on my stress or is there some better way of understanding this please??
A: You’ve hit on a very important piece of this puzzle. Children are built to be incredibly sensitive to our moods, stresses and the direction of our attention and energy. If you’re family is gathering and you are thinking things like, “Is there going to be enough gravy? Is Uncle Fred going to drink too much and start singing again like he did last year? Do I look OK in this outfit? Why are my sister-in-laws kids able to keep the cranberry sauce off their faces while they eat Thanksgiving dinner, but my kids aren’t?” the kids can feel not only that you are stressed, but that your attention is elsewhere - not on connecting with them.
This can be very stressful for them. Our bodies, young and old, have a number of defenses built in to release excess stress - laughter is one, crying, trembling, sweating are others. While Uncle Fred may calm his nerves with another brandy and soda, the kids will be more likely to get wild, run through the house chasing their cousins, try to get your undivided attention by clinging or hanging on you, or break down in tears or tantrums. (more…)
Q. Our family dog is very old and having some serious health problems and we do not expect him to live much longer. What suggestions do you have regarding talking to young children about the death of a pet?
A. Ah, pets. We love them. We care for them. In return, they love us with all their hearts. But they don’t live as long as we do. And when they are gone, we notice what an often surprisingly large contribution they made to the atmosphere of the family.
I think you are wise to do what you can to prepare your child, and yourself, for the impending loss of a family pet. The death of a beloved animal is often a child’s first personal experience of death and the mysteries it presents – be ready for a variety of feelings and the many questions your child may have now. You may want to read some of the books suggested below, or find a way to lightly work the subject into a car ride conversation.
The illness of a pet can offer a family valuable opportunities for open caring and the sharing of feelings. Several families we know have turned the dying days of a pet into a time to spend hours (yes, even in this time-starved day and age) or days with family members stationed near the pet, talking to him, making sure he is comfortable, and standing watch together in a long, loving good-bye. These families have made different choices about whether or not to have their pet euthanized, but all of them have been very clear that those days of close caring were a good-bye. This caring and mourning period can bring family members closer, and can sometimes help to heal other issues that stand between members of the family. (more…)
Q: Our daughter wakes up from naps with a dry diaper and is able to go a couple of hours without wetting herself, but she does not appear to be interested in potty training. What are some tips to help ease into potty training and make it a good experience for her?
A: Beginning to exercise some control over bodily functions can be a big confidence booster and source of much pride to a small child. You want to nurture this budding independence and support your daughter’s developing mastery. You also want to make the “tools of the trade” very available to her, but let her make the ultimate decisions about timing their use.
Open up the topic of toileting. One of the odd things about our grownup toilet habits is that we tend to be quiet, even secretive about our own bodily functions—we say nothing when we feel the urge to pee or poop, but go off silently, close the door, and come out again afterward. No word about how we knew it was time, how it felt to let our bodies do what they were meant to do, no delight or interest in the whole process. So you might begin by creating more openness around your own elimination process—let everyone know when you feel you have to “go,” sigh with pleasure when you’re done on the toilet, invite your child’s company while you are there. (more…)
Q. My otherwise calm natured and obedient 3 year old occasionally turns into a monster when we’re at the grocery store or another public place. What recommendations do you have for taming (or avoiding) public temper tantrums?
A. Coping with grocery store tantrums, along with our babies crying on airplanes, can be among some of parenting’s most uncomfortable moments! Several adjustments of our expectations are necessary before we can help ourselves to feel more comfortably on our children’s side as they do what they need to do in a public place.
What causes tantrums?
When children become emotionally charged, they can’t think. They simply can’t function normally. They become rigid and unreasonable in what they want, and are unsatisfied with your attempts to give them what they want. They can’t listen, and the slightest thing may bring them to tears or tantrums. Their minds are full of upset. They can’t get out of that state without your help. (more…)
Q: I am pregnant with my second child and due this summer. My two and a half year old daughter is very excited about the new baby, but doesn’t realize how much her life is going to change. What are some things that I can do to help her prepare for and adjust to her new baby sister?
A: You’re on the right track already, anticipating the emotional ups and downs your older child will experience. You may want to take advantage of the sibling classes recommended by your obstetrician, midwife or birthing facility, and there are a few excellent books at the end of this article to read and discuss with your older child. But her daily interaction with you is of prime importance. Here are a few suggestions that will help you and her to prepare, and then adjust, as your lives change. (more…)
Q: My two-year-old son is very shy. He becomes anxious when he is around large groups of children, especially in enclosed spaces like indoor children’s gyms or story time rooms in libraries. My question is two-part: 1) How can I help my son feel more comfortable when he is in situations that make him nervous? 2) What are some general tips for encouraging a shy child?
A: Each child comes into the world with a different set of potential characteristics. As parents, our challenge is to find ways to work with—and celebrate—the people our children are. The trick here is to find ways to lovingly accept and validate your child, just the way he is, while at the same time warmly encouraging him, indicating that things are actually safer than he can tell. (more…)
Q: My husband’s company is re-locating us to a new city in two months. We have two children who are two and four years old. What can we do to make this transition as smooth as possible for our children?
Air Your Own Feelings So You Can Set an Open and Positive Tone for the Children.
You and your husband each need to spend some time talking with a good listener about your own feelings about the move, positive and negative, so that as much of your psychological resources as possible are available to help the children with the transition. Voice your fears, grieve your losses and take some time to say “Good-bye” to even the simple things you will be leaving behind. (more…)
