Q. Lately my almost three year old son has become very territorial and possessive and unwilling to share things with other children – even things that belong to the other children! Help! What do I do to help him learn to share?
A. When children aren’t able to share, it’s usually for one of two reasons. Either they haven’t got a solid sense of connection at the moment, or something has happened to remind them of hurtful feelings they haven’t yet finished making sense of.
When children don’t feel connected, they can’t share.
To a child, a sense of connection is like a tightrope walker’s long pole–feeling close to someone keeps a child in balance, so he can do challenging things with grace and confidence. If he can’t constantly refresh a close bond, a child will probably be too tense to share, too unsure of his own safety to take turns. When a child’s behavior becomes brittle, any little disappointment brings up lots of tears or tantrums about wanting something badly. The child aches to be brought close, but he focuses on needing something material instead. (more…)
Q. For a while now (many months - - maybe more than a year) my son has been stuck in a theme of building “cages” or “prisons” to put bad guys in. He’s focused on all the places in the house where he could potentially lock someone in or out (like the lock on the basement door, or to the sliding glass door leading to our back room). While I realize this could just be something he needs to play with and get out of his system, sometimes it scares me, and I especially don’t like that my sweet daughter is getting into this way of playing. Perhaps I’m overreacting. I love the ideas espoused by Hand in Hand, so I’m all ears. What do you think?
A. When children get fascinated by a certain kind of play and repeat a “script” in play again and again, it’s often because of an underlying fear. The child’s feelings drive him toward play that outlines some detail of the fear. Unfortunately, the child’s play, by itself, doesn’t relieve the fear, because usually there’s little or no emotional release during the play. It stays “dry” and repetitive. When an adult plays along, the play will often become more and more rigid as the playtime grows longer. The tight script develops because the attention of the adult raises the child’s unconscious sense of safety. The safer the child feels, the more he can feel and show the emotional charge behind this kind of play. As his feelings come to the fore, he becomes very picky about how everything is done. Any challenge to his tight script, or any “mistake” on the part of the adult, brings his lurking upset closer to the surface. (more…)
Q. Do you have any tips on helping 2-yr.old twins who tantrum at the same time and very, very often? Most of the time I’m the only one there to listen and it just doesn’t seem like it’s enough!
A. It sounds like you’ve got a challenging situation on your hands! I’m glad you’ve asked for our help. It’s really hard when two children both have issues at the same time. And this often happens, because once one child is upset, the other child becomes very sensitive to whatever feelings he or she has stored up. Then, off they both go. (more…)
Q: I’m afraid I wasn’t cut-out to be a parent. When my son was born I was thrilled, everything was new and the days flew by. But now that I have two, I’m overwhelmed. My house is a wreck, the “baby fat” from my second hasn’t come off and there are days when I barely have the energy to change diapers and order take-out – forget stimulating playtime and home cooked meals! What’s wrong with me? Is this post-partum depression or am I just not up to the challenges?
A: An evaluation by your physician or your pediatrician (who you may see a lot more!) can help rule out depression, thyroid problems or other organic issues. But while post-partum depression can make being at home with small children feel much harder than it needs to, there’s no getting around the fact that being a parent is very hard work. Much harder than anyone probably warned you it was going to be. And in order to parent well and feel well, you need and deserve a lot of support.
First, find a listener for your feelings. We parents have lots of feelings, which it can be hard to make time for so we tuck them away as if they didn’t exist. The problem is that feelings don’t tuck well forever. Our worries, our frustrations, our angers mount, and the more effort we put into tucking them away, the less energetic and alive we feel. Eventually, feelings may burst out when some small thing goes wrong. Often, they burst out at our children in ways we regret later. Find another parent and set up listening time over the phone or after the children are asleep. This can help relieve the burden that too many unheard feelings create. A good laugh, a good cry, a good rant about how many expectations we’re trying to meet can do a lot to lighten our load and help us remember that we are good, no matter how much take-out we serve or how many answers we don’t have at the moment. (more…)
Q: Why do my children fall apart at the holidays? It certainly seems to be the case around here, especially around my in-laws, that my children become ear-splittingly unhappy whenever there is an extended family gathering. It’s so incredibly *embarrassing* that every time my sister-in-law sees my daughter that child has a complete tantrum! Is she just picking up on my stress or is there some better way of understanding this please??
A: You’ve hit on a very important piece of this puzzle. Children are built to be incredibly sensitive to our moods, stresses and the direction of our attention and energy. If you’re family is gathering and you are thinking things like, “Is there going to be enough gravy? Is Uncle Fred going to drink too much and start singing again like he did last year? Do I look OK in this outfit? Why are my sister-in-laws kids able to keep the cranberry sauce off their faces while they eat Thanksgiving dinner, but my kids aren’t?” the kids can feel not only that you are stressed, but that your attention is elsewhere - not on connecting with them.
This can be very stressful for them. Our bodies, young and old, have a number of defenses built in to release excess stress - laughter is one, crying, trembling, sweating are others. While Uncle Fred may calm his nerves with another brandy and soda, the kids will be more likely to get wild, run through the house chasing their cousins, try to get your undivided attention by clinging or hanging on you, or break down in tears or tantrums. (more…)
Q. Our family dog is very old and having some serious health problems and we do not expect him to live much longer. What suggestions do you have regarding talking to young children about the death of a pet?
A. Ah, pets. We love them. We care for them. In return, they love us with all their hearts. But they don’t live as long as we do. And when they are gone, we notice what an often surprisingly large contribution they made to the atmosphere of the family.
I think you are wise to do what you can to prepare your child, and yourself, for the impending loss of a family pet. The death of a beloved animal is often a child’s first personal experience of death and the mysteries it presents – be ready for a variety of feelings and the many questions your child may have now. You may want to read some of the books suggested below, or find a way to lightly work the subject into a car ride conversation.
The illness of a pet can offer a family valuable opportunities for open caring and the sharing of feelings. Several families we know have turned the dying days of a pet into a time to spend hours (yes, even in this time-starved day and age) or days with family members stationed near the pet, talking to him, making sure he is comfortable, and standing watch together in a long, loving good-bye. These families have made different choices about whether or not to have their pet euthanized, but all of them have been very clear that those days of close caring were a good-bye. This caring and mourning period can bring family members closer, and can sometimes help to heal other issues that stand between members of the family. (more…)
Q: Our daughter wakes up from naps with a dry diaper and is able to go a couple of hours without wetting herself, but she does not appear to be interested in potty training. What are some tips to help ease into potty training and make it a good experience for her?
A: Beginning to exercise some control over bodily functions can be a big confidence booster and source of much pride to a small child. You want to nurture this budding independence and support your daughter’s developing mastery. You also want to make the “tools of the trade” very available to her, but let her make the ultimate decisions about timing their use.
Open up the topic of toileting. One of the odd things about our grownup toilet habits is that we tend to be quiet, even secretive about our own bodily functions—we say nothing when we feel the urge to pee or poop, but go off silently, close the door, and come out again afterward. No word about how we knew it was time, how it felt to let our bodies do what they were meant to do, no delight or interest in the whole process. So you might begin by creating more openness around your own elimination process—let everyone know when you feel you have to “go,” sigh with pleasure when you’re done on the toilet, invite your child’s company while you are there. (more…)
