Q. Our 3 year-old son will not go to bed on his own, Mom always needs to be there for him to fall asleep. Even then he will still come into our bed throughout the night. What should we do?

A.This is a question asked by many tired parents! Healthy families in many cultures allow children to sleep with parents, but the good effects of sleeping close together can be negated if your particular family doesn’t happen to sleep well in that arrangement. The good news is that your son can sleep on his own. He may need a little help from you to realize that, and you may lose a little more sleep in the process, but at three, this is certainly a reasonable goal.

Many children experience feelings that prevent them from sleeping through the night at least some of the time. Most parents do the expedient thing to get their little one back to sleep–they allow him to nurse or have a bottle, and hope for another few hours of rest. For some babies and lucky parents, there’s a slow progression toward less waking in the night that ends in all-night sleeping. But other parents put in months of patient accommodation, followed by frustration and mounting stress because neither they nor their child can sleep through the night. (more…)

Q. My kids are driving me crazy using the “S” word. They’re using the word “stupid” to angrily address parents and siblings. As in, “You’re stupid!” or, “Stupid Mommy!” I imagine that as time goes on, my kids will come into possession of bone fide curse words and I want to get on top of this now. What do you suggest?

Thanks for your question on young children using “bad” words at home. Since we addressed tone and the way things are said last month, this is the perfect follow-up to that discussion.

Why children acquire harsh language. (more…)

Q. I’m struggling a bit with my 5-year-old speaking in a way that pushes my buttons. It’s that sassy, sing-songy with a strongly grumpy undertone way of speaking. Think “hands on hips.” If you think you know this tone, yes, that’s the one! I’m confused, though, about whether this is a behavior that is appropriate to limit? Or is it a sign that she’s gone off-track and needs me to listen to her to vent it off? Any advice? Suggested words to use when talking about it with her would be greatly appreciated, too. Thanks!

I certainly do know the tone you mean and responding to it can be challenging for parents! Children know that their parents are committed to them, so with their parents, their feelings are closer to the surface. They put out bids for attention that they wouldn’t dare try in other environments. It’s a compliment to you–you’ve created an emotionally safe environment, in which your daughter trusts that she doesn’t always have to hide the tensions she feels. (more…)

Q. I’m afraid my middle-school-aged daughter is going to turn into an “angry teenager.”  Things seem to be going well for her right now but she can be unhappy, aggressive and moody, and she sometimes gets physical.   She had a very hard time in elementary school.  Is it possible that she could be working out feelings from years ago from things that upset her that she might not even be conscious of now? If so, how do I help her deal with them? Does a teenager end up crying to help heal the hurts or do they deal with things in a different way?
 

The issues that are troubling in early childhood do migrate into adolescence, if the feelings wrapped in early hurts aren’t shared with a supportive adult. This is what creates angry teens: they’ve been trying to hold feelings at bay for a long time. Finding no one who will listen to their feelings makes them feel isolated and frightened—they may not know precisely why they feel upset any longer, but the fact that no one will listen makes it doubly hard. Their early childhood feelings get pasted on present situations—“You never listen to me!” or “You’re not really interested—just go away!” can easily be echoes of earlier experiences that didn’t go well for them or for their parents. When children try to get their upset feelings heard, most of us parents do as the culture tells us. We try to get them to stop crying, or stop being angry. We tell them their upsets are trivial.  Then, children have to bottle it all up once again. So the fear and sadness they have stored since early childhood erupt cloaked in anger by the time they are teens, because the feelings of isolation have created a thick cover over the frightened, vulnerable feelings they need to express as healing tears and trembling release the tension. (more…)

Q. Lately my almost three year old son has become very territorial and possessive and unwilling to share things with other children – even things that belong to the other children! Help! What do I do to help him learn to share?

A. When children aren’t able to share, it’s usually for one of two reasons. Either they haven’t got a solid sense of connection at the moment, or something has happened to remind them of hurtful feelings they haven’t yet finished making sense of.
When children don’t feel connected, they can’t share.

To a child, a sense of connection is like a tightrope walker’s long pole–feeling close to someone keeps a child in balance, so he can do challenging things with grace and confidence. If he can’t constantly refresh a close bond, a child will probably be too tense to share, too unsure of his own safety to take turns. When a child’s behavior becomes brittle, any little disappointment brings up lots of tears or tantrums about wanting something badly. The child aches to be brought close, but he focuses on needing something material instead. (more…)

Q. For a while now (many months - - maybe more than a year) my son has been stuck in a theme of building “cages” or “prisons” to put bad guys in. He’s focused on all the places in the house where he could potentially lock someone in or out (like the lock on the basement door, or to the sliding glass door leading to our back room). While I realize this could just be something he needs to play with and get out of his system, sometimes it scares me, and I especially don’t like that my sweet daughter is getting into this way of playing. Perhaps I’m overreacting. I love the ideas espoused by Hand in Hand, so I’m all ears. What do you think?

A. When children get fascinated by a certain kind of play and repeat a “script” in play again and again, it’s often because of an underlying fear. The child’s feelings drive him toward play that outlines some detail of the fear. Unfortunately, the child’s play, by itself, doesn’t relieve the fear, because usually there’s little or no emotional release during the play. It stays “dry” and repetitive. When an adult plays along, the play will often become more and more rigid as the playtime grows longer. The tight script develops because the attention of the adult raises the child’s unconscious sense of safety. The safer the child feels, the more he can feel and show the emotional charge behind this kind of play. As his feelings come to the fore, he becomes very picky about how everything is done. Any challenge to his tight script, or any “mistake” on the part of the adult, brings his lurking upset closer to the surface. (more…)

Q. Do you have any tips on helping 2-yr.old twins who tantrum at the same time and very, very often? Most of the time I’m the only one there to listen and it just doesn’t seem like it’s enough!

A. It sounds like you’ve got a challenging situation on your hands! I’m glad you’ve asked for our help. It’s really hard when two children both have issues at the same time. And this often happens, because once one child is upset, the other child becomes very sensitive to whatever feelings he or she has stored up. Then, off they both go. (more…)