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All of us experienced nightmares at some point in our childhood. Usually, nightmares are an occasional thing. Your son probably is experiencing what they call “night terrors,” which go on night after night for a period of time, and usually entail a recurrent dream, or at least, recurrent feelings of fear.

Part of honoring a child’s intelligence is learning to respond to a child’s crying or tantrums with a willingness to listen. Rather than saying, “Oh dear! What’s the matter now! Can’t you see I have to strap you in the car seat!?” and assuming that the child’s crying is nothing more than a nuisance, the parent would respond with, “I’m here. I know you hate the car seat. I need to buckle you in, but I’m here. You can tell me how hard it is.”

Disrespect and intimidation set a behavior example that children absorb in full. When a child has been treated badly, or has witnessed harshness, the behavior enters the child’s experience, but her mind can’t process it. Children simply do not understand meanness or harshness. It always hurts, even when they are not the direct target.

Q. I really want to connect with the kids this Summer when we’re less busy. I would love some relaxed ‘down time’ with just the family but don’t want the kids to complain the whole time that they’re bored. What do you suggest?

Your child will be totally unreasonable for the period of time that he or she is scrubbing out the upset. Then, sweet reason will return, especially if you don’t get angry or insulted in return. Just listen. It’s pain coming out.

Q. My 6-year-old daughter seems to be suffering from performance anxiety and perfectionism not only at school but overall in her life. I’d love to get some ideas and/or resources for help with this issue.

We parents need to listen to each other’s stories, to hear each other out. We need to offer each other appreciation for the things we do well. We need someone we’ve built a measure of trust with to hear all about our anger, our worries and our desperate moments.