Viewpoints: Single Side Up

It hit me like a ton of bricks. One minute we were arguing as usual, and the next? Divorced. Fifteen years of marriage gone in fifteen seconds flat. Well, not really, but that’s what it seemed like. And after telling the kids, the parents, the beloved and shocked friends, after going through the motions day after day after day, after being too numb to even cry and realizing that yet again, after so many years of hanging on, I was walking around in a body that carried a broken heart, it occurred to me—I’d actually been going through the divorce for fifteen years. This was just the paperwork. And I recognized that finally it was time to be me. And that felt really, really good.

Now I am certainly not suggesting that those of you who are married run for the hills while flinging spouses to the wind. And I know that many people who are separated or divorced take a much different look at their marriages, and rightfully so. But this was the view from my perch, and, now that hindsight is 20/20, mine was a marriage that was not quite right from the get-go. So when I considered that I could actually start being me, and just me (and now that I think about it, this is the same “me” that had been squashed like a bug and was almost not to be found), I was thrilled, brave, anticipatory and suddenly exhausted all rolled up into one. How was I ever going to juggle it all—alone? Three kids under the age of ten, a new job, some semblance of a semi-neat house—there was going to be a lot to this single motherhood thing. Can you say “housekeeper?”

Surprisingly, though, it’s been so far, so good. Sure, some days are better than others, some days I’m bitchier than others, and some days I’m just trying to figure out why I don’t keep more vodka in the house. But…my kids are still the same wonderful kids they were before the divorce, I’m still friends with my heartbreaking ex-spouse, I still hang out with the people who always mattered most, and life’s moments are now sweeter, longer, more savored. And because there was no one left to hide behind, I was physically forced to go out into the world and actually do what I’d always dreamed of. Nothing like getting the rug yanked out from under you to make you dance. But that, too, felt good. I grew up. And it was time.

Suddenly, I started to notice things. The moments I had taken for granted before—just the simplest little things like a budding flower or my son’s laugh or my daughters adapting British accents for the day—I now completely wallowed in, mostly because I wonder what other surprising changes might be just around the corner. And I realize now, that as I go through life’s constant ups and downs and bumps and jostles, I might as well stop to appreciate the highs and at least look up during the lows, and married or single, vodka or not, hang on and thoroughly enjoy the ride. And truth be told, I really, really like where this ride is headed, and I can’t wait to see what’s around the next bend.