Parenting 101: Baby Makes Three-How Your New Bundle of Joy May Not Always Be So Joyous

Diapers are not all that get changed when a baby arrives. Most couples experience a total shift in their relationship, one that many times does not realign until the baby leaves for college 18 years later. It all begins when an overly confident hospital nurse hands over your 8 lb bundle of joy and tells you to go home and care for him with no handbook or 24-hour emergency parent hotline. Are they really allowing us to just leave with him? Aren’t they going to test us or something? Yes, it’s harder to get a driver’s license than to have a baby, a scary thought, one saved for another time, but nonetheless, he’s yours and you are asked to go home with him.

You walk out the door with little confidence, a huge pit in your stomach and the overwhelming hope that your loving spouse knows what he or she is doing. You learn within five minutes of walking into your house that your home is not the same place it was when you left 48 hours ago. It is now the place where the most precious being you could ever dream up will live, sleep, learn and grow for the next two decades or so. Corners of tables get covered with tacky plastic, and cupboards that once housed your fine wine glasses are now home to rubber nipples. Every room in the house has some sort of child apparatus, playpen, bassinet, monitor, brightly colored toy, or musical contraption. No place is sacred and no moment seems to be just yours. In summary, you take off several months from being a married couple to learn how to become a parent. Date nights are forgotten – you will favor a few solid hours of sleep over movie night any day. Leisurely dinners are replaced with take out food eaten in front of the television in between baby’s feedings. Instead of talking about world events, you are strategizing new and creative ways to get more sleep each night. And sex, what’s that? You are tired, excited, nervous, scared, and so in love with this little creature…you are parents and there’s no turning back to life pre-child.

But one word that rarely gets discussed when thinking of the fairytale of welcoming a new baby is STRESS! Let’s face it, sleepless nights with colicky babies, intrusive in-laws popping in at all hours and new expenses that your never thought of (how many diapers does this kid need?) are all breeding ground for some grade A marital tension. Throw in post-partum hormones and fights over who is doing too much or too little and this may be one of the most stressful times your marriage has yet to experience. Many couples do not account for the stress factor that accompanies the shift from life as a couple to parenthood. And it is this oversight, this loophole in the fantasy of this first chapter of child rearing, that makes couples completely unprepared to deal with the stress. For example, when you go in for surgery, the doctor prepares you for what is to be expected during recovery-pain, possible physical restrictions, physical therapy etc. You have an expectation so you can mentally prepare for what’s to come. Expecting parents may speak to their friends about parenthood or they may read every book on the subject so they are well-versed on how to care for his or her every need. However, all the while they’re not considering how to care for themselves as a couple; a couple with a new child who has just invaded their world, has taken over and is not leaving anytime soon.

So then you ask “How do we avoid this seemingly inevitable level of stress and huge change in our marriage?” The honest answer is…you don’t. We know it will be there, just like pain after surgery, but the better question is how do we handle it? My best advice is to be like a good boy scout and come prepared. Don’t discount how stressful it will be during these first few weeks and months. We all hear about how hard it can be to be a parent you just don’t expect it to kick in on day one.

So have a plan of action in place before the baby arrives. For example, have a date night set on the calendar so you make sure to have time just the two of you (here’s where the pushy in-laws can be most useful). Talk about it. Acknowledge to one another that it’s not easy and notice when your spouse is in need of a time out. Give each other a break. Tell your wife to catch a quick movie or get a manicure while you take the Sunday afternoon shift. Or tell your husband who has a huge presentation in the morning that it’s OK if he sleeps in the guest room so he doesn’t have to be awoken for that 2 a.m. feeding. Don’t forget that the mother of your child is also your wife, who likes to be kissed and talked to about other things that don’t involve baby. And don’t forget that the father of your child is still your husband and he needs attention, too. But most importantly go in with the knowledge that this is a time of transition, and like many big transitions it can be difficult and stressful and it will inevitably change the relationship. It’s just how it changes that will determine how your love story as a couple will turn out.