The Connected Parent: Media Sensitivities

Q. I know my kids are very sensitive to TV content and watch really “young” shows for their age. They seem to feel what they see on TV very deeply. For example, we have tried to watch Nemo and when the baby fish gets separated from the dad, it is not pleasant for them and they don’t want to watch it. Even intense music makes them want to turn it off. Forget about every watching a Disney movie like Aladdin or Snow White! There are too many scary parts for them.

Is there something wrong with my kids?

Your children are just fine! Children’s TV and video often portray experiences and a world view that young, sensitive minds simply can’t digest. By being careful about what they see you’re helping your children retain their ability to be empathetic toward others, and to use their imaginations freely. The thought of losing one’s parents (Nemo, Bambi), the thought that some adult would intentionally set out to harm a young, helpless creature (Snow White, 101 Dalmations), or the idea that children can be put in grave danger by adults around them (Hansel and Gretel, some Bible stories, and hundreds of other fairy tales) are all shocking thoughts, fraught with emotion for young children.

Your children haven’t been exposed to much of this, so they are still able to ask you to help keep their world a safe and kind one. You do well by them to have strong policies that protect them, so they can preserve their own inner compasses that tell them what’s good and what’s fun.

Children’s minds are pre-set for cooperation, for a loving and tender family group, surrounded by a loving and tender community in which respect, play, laughter, and warmth are the prevailing ways people interact. Children are built for compassion. They’re built with a strong sense of justice. They are shocked and hurt by every little act that isn’t full of caring. Exposing them to these influences frightens them deeply, but many children don’t show that fear overtly. They hold it deep inside.

Rather than filling children’s tender minds with stories of good and evil, we can choose to offer them the more accurate understanding that thoughtlessness and harshness come from good people who have been traumatized and lost their sense of being part of a loving group. We can improve on a culture dedicated to rewards and punishments for behavior by providing an environment that gives the support people need to offload bad feelings when tension makes them rigid, uncooperative, or afraid of learning. Many cartoons and videos communicate the notion that ultimate good is wrought by one person, fighting alone in a world full of danger and intentional harm. It’s up to us to highlight the experience (prevalent, but unsung) of cooperative, compassionate, community-based activity that makes life better because all those involved both give and receive.

You can see the effects TV-, video-, fairy tale-, and evening news-induced fears have on the playground. You can see fear in the tone and content of children’s play and in their relationships at home. Kids who have been exposed to lots of unfiltered media or who have heard frightening stories play the scary scenes out in an attempt to release the emotional tension. They spend hours in stereotyped play.

What parents and teachers see is the tip of an emotional iceberg—a strong fascination with the video or TV program that contains the scary scenes, and a real drive to see the videos or hear those stories that have frightened them again and again. The other visible signs of the big fears children carry are their tendency to be quick to feel insulted, quick to isolate themselves, or quick to assume that adults or other children don’t like them. When the images of a harsh world are alive in children’s minds, they lose good portions of emotional resilience. Their sweetness has to go underground.

Acting those roles out in play doesn’t relieve the fear that’s stuck inside, nor does seeing or hearing the stories that fascinate them over and over. Moving in affectionately but firmly to limit any aggression in play will allow a child to feel the upset that lies buried: there will be lots of thrashing, crying, and screaming! This is how children release the fears that TV and video install. Our booklet, “Healing Children’s Fears” (one of the Listening to Children set), will help guide you as you set the limits that allow your child to recover from the fears he has acquired.

Sometimes children try to offload their fears in nightmares. When they wake in the night frightened, they need their parent to hold them and let them cry hard and struggle. The nightmare is a blessing in disguise, allowing the child to fight against the frightening image, in the safety of a loved one’s arms, until the fear leaves their mind and they can tell once again that they are safe.

When children have acquired a real hunger to watch video and/or TV, simply proposing that you are ready to play with them instead can bring up the anger, and then the feelings of being trapped in a harsh world that lie beneath. As a parent listens, offers to embrace his child, and holds the limit—“No, I’m not going to let you see a video now, but I do want to play with you”—the child ejects the feelings and impressions of alienation that have locked down his mind. This parent’s experience is a good description of what happens when parents help their children break the TV habit.

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