The Connected Parent: Explaining Traumatic Events

Q. Our neighbor recently returned from the war in Iraq badly injured including the loss of part of his leg. My son is very upset that his friend’s father has been so hurt. How do I explain a traumatic event like this to him?

There is, at heart, no way to understand murderous acts, whether from a far away world or a neighborhood crime. People hurting people simply doesn’t make sense. Children’s minds are jammed with upset and hurt when they are exposed to violence of any kind, because it is inherently offensive, inherently inhuman. So we as Moms and Dads must handle these sad and unwelcome events in ways that hurt our children as little as possible, but we cannot avoid the fact that war is hurtful to them.

Here are some thoughts about caring well for our children and ourselves during difficult times.

• First, we need to set aside time to talk with each other, and work through some of our feelings and reactions, at times and places separate from our children. We adults carry a heavy load of feelings about the current events, no matter how hard we try to tamp them down. So often, the first task is to remember what and who we care most about.

From there, we can remember the hopes we had as children that the world would be sweet, safe, and just. We need to let our thoughts about who we love and our longings for safety and justice lead to emotional release in crying, trembling, and an open show of upset. We need to do this with other adults. We won’t communicate well with our children unless we have acknowledged and expressed at least some of our own fears, outrage, and grief. But expressing those feelings only to our children is asking them to handle a far too heavy load.

• It is important, however, for our children to see that we care about people, about justice in the world, and about bringing an end to people harming each other. If you are upset, go ahead and cry openly, but without detailed explanation of your feelings. “I’m sad about something I heard on the news” is fine, along with “and I just need to cry for a little while to get the sadness out.” What children don’t need to hear is expressions of our feelings of anger, hopelessness, or helplessness.

• It is not helpful for very young children to know all the details of what has happened. They can’t digest violent behavior, and can become terrified by exposure to the graphic images and the feelings of horror and drama that we attach to the details. To keep young children from becoming unnecessarily terrified, we can

• Shield them from the media. TV reports, newspaper photographs, and radio commentary can communicate that adults do not feel safe, in charge, or trustful of others. Get your news after the children have gone to bed, or while you’re commuting in your car. Don’t let news of war erode the sense of connection and caring that you work so hard to build in your family.

• Offer an accurate perspective on “off-track” behavior. The casting of some people as good and some as bad is a construct that promotes misunderstanding and is used to market injustice in today’s world. We need to let our children know that we all are good, and we all do things that are “off track” when we feel hurt or afraid. They need to know that some children are treated very badly growing up, and it’s these people who can be made to want to hurt others. But if someone steps in, stops the hurtful behavior, and stays close, a hurt person can change.

We need to disavow the attitude that some people are evil and deserve to die. This attitude is one that we as a human race must replace so that we can live peacefully with each other, and mend the injustices that breed hopelessness and violence. We have much work to do to develop effective but nonviolent ways of preventing people from doing harm. We’ll need minds dedicated to the subtler but more accurate perception that an originally good person lies beneath a load of hurt that has created harmful behavior.

• Keep concentrating on our present lives, the tasks and routines of every day, and the goodness of being together and enjoying one another.

Children who are exposed to injured veterans or to tense, distressed adult talk will need explicit reassurance. They will need to know specifically that they are safe, that you will keep them safe, and that you will be doing what you can to help people work together so harmful things don’t have to happen again.

If you are asked why this happened, fashion your answer to your child’s age and experience. Acknowledge that we grownups haven’t yet figured out how to have everything fair for everybody in the world. You can explain, for instance, that when they don’t feel that things are fair for them, they may get mad and cry about it, and that you listen to their feelings, and then you work out solutions. But for many people, there’s no one to listen or to help them enough with their concerns. So sometimes people get mad and do things they never really wanted to do when they were children, because they feel so hurt, alone and misunderstood.

When talking about injustice and human irrationality, it’s also important to remind children of what you do in your family to help each other when one of you needs attention. For instance, you resolve fights by listening carefully. You make sure people don’t speak hurtfully about anyone else. You ask someone to listen to your own feelings of upset whenever you can. And you reach out to people you know have had trouble, so that they don’t lose hope or their connection with others.

In the end, though, irrational acts don’t make sense to children, because they don’t make sense, period. So don’t try too hard to get the explanation “right.” The facts don’t make irrationality understandable. Children need to see that we don’t give up loving, caring, and working to make life good in our families and our communities.They need as much reassurance as you can give that no one is going to bring violence to them.

If your child has become frightened by the injuries he has seen, he will find ways to bring up his fears that may be indirect. For example, he may wake up crying in the night, may get upset over not getting to sit on your lap during dinnertime, or may have a tantrum over not being able to find the shoes he wanted to wear today. Our children need us to LISTEN at these times, to stay close and reassure them while they feel the feelings in a big way. “You can sit on my lap after dinner, I promise,” said with a relaxed tone, will let your child cry and fight, releasing the feelings of fear and tension until your reassurance sinks in. “We’ll find your other shoe, but right now, I don’t know where it is,” will work just fine to give him an outlet for his fears and worries.

Children need these small upsets to serve as “can openers” for the emotions they have stored away. They usually choose a safe family time, like dinnertime or bedtime, or a challenging time like leaving for school or day care in the morning, to break open an upset so they can offload the feelings, then sense that they are safe again. When you listen, you can expect the feelings to last a good while. The warmer and more loving you are, the more intense the feelings will become. This is normal, healthy, and a wonderful acknowledgment of the sense of safety you have provided. Don’t mention the crisis that you think may be attached to all these feelings. Children’s emotional release process can be stopped cold by our interpretations. It works better to keep referring to the small issue at hand, which your child chose because it was exactly the size he could handle.

For more information on Listening tools, please visit our website at www.handinhandparenting.org.