The Connected Parent: Stuck in the Same Type of Play

Q. For a while now (many months - - maybe more than a year) my son has been stuck in a theme of building “cages” or “prisons” to put bad guys in. He’s focused on all the places in the house where he could potentially lock someone in or out (like the lock on the basement door, or to the sliding glass door leading to our back room). While I realize this could just be something he needs to play with and get out of his system, sometimes it scares me, and I especially don’t like that my sweet daughter is getting into this way of playing. Perhaps I’m overreacting. I love the ideas espoused by Hand in Hand, so I’m all ears. What do you think?

A. When children get fascinated by a certain kind of play and repeat a “script” in play again and again, it’s often because of an underlying fear. The child’s feelings drive him toward play that outlines some detail of the fear. Unfortunately, the child’s play, by itself, doesn’t relieve the fear, because usually there’s little or no emotional release during the play. It stays “dry” and repetitive. When an adult plays along, the play will often become more and more rigid as the playtime grows longer. The tight script develops because the attention of the adult raises the child’s unconscious sense of safety. The safer the child feels, the more he can feel and show the emotional charge behind this kind of play. As his feelings come to the fore, he becomes very picky about how everything is done. Any challenge to his tight script, or any “mistake” on the part of the adult, brings his lurking upset closer to the surface.

Ultimately, what you want to do is to build your son’s trust that you love him and approve of him, and that you can pay attention to his love of the “prison” game with bad guys and all. Then, when his trust is high, you step in and say that today isn’t a day when he can play the prison game. You set a limit, and hope that the safety you’ve built will allow him to cry hard with you, and work through the fears that sit beneath this game. The limits you set will have a healing result (lots of crying and perhaps fighting and struggling against you) and allow him to drain some of that fear and fascination, so he doesn’t feel so compelled to play that game again.

Here’s a program that I’ve found can work. It will work much better if you can find someone to listen to you talk about how sick you are of this kind of play, someone with whom you can even “yell” at your son (while your real son is, of course, nowhere near where he could hear you working through your feelings about him and his play), someone to listen to your frustrations and your deeper fears, for half an hour to an hour. The more fed up with his play you are, the more listening time you will need so that you can be helpful. The feelings you have need ventilation and release for you to be as relaxed as your son will need you to be in order for him to work this through. So get some listening help first.

Then, set up a series of Special Times, in which you play what he wants to play, including this game, if that’s what he chooses. You are working to create a sense of safety around this kind of play, a sense that he is understood and supported.
When he asks, play the game as best you can, delighted to dive into it. Be a desperate prisoner if that makes him laugh, a pitiful prisoner if that’s what works. Maybe you’ll need to struggle against him for a long time before you finally get thrown into the cage. Maybe you grab onto him and he has to struggle away from you to get free, although you’re in prison and he isn’t. Try lots of angles. The times that laughter breaks through in the play are clues to what will work to help him get unstuck. So look for that laughter and promote it as best you can.

Then, after several Special Times in which he gets to play this game with you, you can hope that his feelings will be close enough to the surface to release when you set a limit on the game. You can do this in a couple of ways. You can look for a time when he asks to play this game, though it’s NOT Special Time. Tell him, “No, I’m not going to play the prison game, and we’re not going to do it for a few weeks now.” Just that. Offer a very brief limit, but move in close, offering sweetly to connect, and see if his feelings come up. Or you can be in the middle of play (again, not during Special Time, because the rule is that Special Time is child-led only) and set the limit. He asks you to go for the third time into the prison, and you put your arms around him and say, “Not this time, son. This time I’m going to stay out of the prison.” Either way, you do this in the hope that, right when you set the limit or in the few days that follow, the feelings that drive this play will emerge in a big cry or a big struggle “against” you.

If not, then starve the fascination for the next few weeks, moving in close every time he goes to play that game, and saying, “Honey, I’m not going to let you play the cage game right now. I love you. I know you want to,” and see if that breaks the feelings open.

The feelings that come up when his game is limited are the ones driving the fascination, even if it looks like he’s just mad at you and thinking that you’re a terrible Mommy. During those cries, the issue underlying the prison game may come out–”You’re not a boy so you don’t want to play!”, or, “We have to get the bad guys!” It’s OK if no expression of a deeper issue emerges. In any case, these cries will help. The things you’ll want to say while he’s upset are that you love him, you want the best life for him, and that you want to help him think of all kinds of things to play. You might say that the cage game is fun, but that it’s time to find other games. Or that he will be able to play it again some time. Don’t respond with a date or time as to when it can resume. “Some time” is good enough for a reassurance-if you get too specific, his logical mind will kick in, the feelings will shut off, and the healing opportunity will be over for the moment.

In addition, certain kinds of play are generally helpful to children who carry fears. It will be good to initiate some wrestling, some playful physical contests in which things move from roughhousing gradually toward cuddles or kisses on elbows, knees, toes, neck, and some chasing around the house. Whatever lets him laugh and feel close to you and animated will help. Perhaps initiating play where you want him to be the “baby” so you can be soft and tender and full of wonder at him would be good, too. Or if you have a partner, you both can “fight” over getting to be with him, pulling him back and forth between you, each of you saying playfully, “You can’t have him, I want him! I get to be with him!” These kinds of play help children with their fears, and can help address the feelings that come up around having a younger sibling, in case that’s part of the issue he’s working through.

Let us know what you learn, and how it goes!

Yours,

Patty Wipfler
www.handinhandparenting.org