Can You Relate?: Fighting About Parenting Styles

Q: My husband and I seem to have different parenting styles and we’re really starting to fight about it. Is there anything we can do to get on the same page in terms of parenting styles?

A: Talk. Talk. And then talk some more! Too many couples become parents only to find they don’t necessarily agree on how they should be parenting. They make assumptions, assuming they both have the same vision for their child, for how they want their child to be upon adulthood, and that they both believe on how to get there.

Unfortunately, many parents don’t agree on the overall goal, what they want their child to be like as an adult - let alone on the day-to-day issues that really stress us out. Before they know it they are fighting, contradicting each other or, even worse, under cutting the other’s authority right in front of their child. The best and most effective way to avoid this is communication. Talk to each other.

Before you have children or if you already do ask one of the grandparents to take them for a night so you two can go out to dinner. But bring a pen and some paper. Write down what I like to call your Guiding Principles. Guiding Principles of parenting are a roadmap, the big picture so to speak, that we as parents tend to forget in the day-to-day stresses of raising our children. Guiding Principles are the things you and your partner believe are the most important in raising a child. You probably have some already, but haven’t thought of them in this way. The way to start developing your own Guiding Principles is to imagine your child at 25 years old and think about how you want them to be - not their occupation, but the kind of person they are. Do they have manners? Can they express emotions effectively? Can they easily connect with others? Do they know themselves well? Do they value the same things you do? And on and on and on. Once you’ve done that, take note of the characteristics in common in each of your descriptions of your future adult child. Use this to develop a shared vision between the two of you of your future, adult child.

From this you can develop a list of Guiding Principles which will help you remember your goals on a day-to-day basis. Then you can focus on how you can parent every day that will help your child become who you want him to be. What can you do now to help your child become that way, develop those skills or perceptions of himself? How does discipline play a role? Establishing boundaries? Teaching manners? Having a routine for the day? Play time? Sleep? Eating? Etc.

This can be a difficult and challenging process, but when you and your husband are on the same page, have the same vision for your child, share the same Guiding Principles, and are able to work together to make it happen, it will make things easier for you and give your child a much better chance to achieve his full potential.