Sex After Parenthood: “The Best Carpenters Use Power Tools” – An Interview with Michael Castleman

I had the pleasure of interviewing a man who has been called one of the nation’s leading sex experts. Michael Castleman has written several books, and many articles for magazines such as Reader’s Digest, Self, Playboy, Family Circle, Parenting, Health, Child, Mademoiselle, Glamour, American Health, Psychology Today, Men’s Health, and so many more. He is a wonderful, kind man and highly respected in the health community.

SG: You have been called one of the nation’s leading sex experts, written 10 books, and published over 1000 articles in the last 30 years. What sparked your interest to get started on this path?

MC: It was an accident. In 1973, I was volunteering at a free clinic in Ann Arbor, MI, that did a great deal of birth control counseling, pregnancy testing, and STD treatment. I began writing about those subjects for the local alternative weekly. As Valentine’s Day approached, David Fenton, then the editor and publisher of the Ann Arbor Sun, asked me to write a cover story called How to Make Love. I refused. I was 23. What did I know? But he would not take no for an answer. He knew my girlfriend (now wife), Anne. She leaned on me to write the article. Masters and Johnson’s two books (Human Sexual Behavior and Human Sexual Inadequacy) had just come out in paperback. I read them and became fascinated. I read several other sex books. I wrote the article. I’ve been writing about sexuality ever since.

SG: One of the most asked questions I have been getting recently is on the topic of introducing a toy into a relationship. I have spoken to many women who want to start using toys in the bedroom, but are afraid to introduce it because they have never used one as a couple before. What advice would you give to these women?

MC: I think the best way is to begin by incorporating a lubricant into lovemaking. Lubes are not as threatening to men as vibrators, and they immediately enhance sex. Most men are happy to add lubes to lovemaking. After the man has embraced lubes, then I’d suggest some massage items: lotion, a glove, etc. The woman can say she feels sexier and more turned on when she’s massaged all over, not just on her breasts and between her legs. She can also say that whole-body massage also turns on many men. Once the man accepts some massage, then she can introduce a small, bullet vibrator, which can be used all over, and of course on her vulva. Then finally, larger toys.

SG: How do you help calm a man’s concern with the toy being bigger than his penis and thus trying to “replace him?”

MC: If the man is very insecure about his penis size, I would suggest that the woman pick up a copy of my book, Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secrets of Total-Body Sensuality. It contains a section on size, how to make the most of what a man’s got—safely, naturally, and at low cost. As for the replacement issue, I like to tell men: The best carpenters use power tools. Power tools don’t diminish the carpenter or his skills. They just get the job done faster. The same is true for vibrators. All a vibrator does is vibrate. It can’t kiss a woman, hold her, hug her, caress her, make her laugh, listen to her problems, or anything else that a lover does. It doesn’t replace men any more than a man masturbating replaces women.

SG: What is the best way to try and “teach” a husband who isn’t skilled with toys how to use them in bed?

MC: The woman should make a sex date with the man, and say: Tonight, we are going to have amazing sex. But before we do, I have a little surprise for you, and I want you to give it 15 minutes. After that, I’m all yours. During the 15 minutes, she pulls out one or two toys and they play. Then she puts them aside for their sex. After, she should thank him for playing with the toys, and tell him that for her, sex is much more fun with toys. Subsequently, she can extend the toy play time. If the man makes any move toward accepting toys, she should tell him how much that turns her on. Most men want turned on women and are happy to go with moves that turn them on, including toys.

SG: I have heard complaints from a few women who say that they cannot orgasm vaginally during sex, and only can with the use of a toy. What would you tell them?

MC: That they are totally normal. Many studies show that only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse, and only about half of women ever come that way. [See The Case of the Female Orgasm, by Elizabeth Lloyd, Harvard U Press] The fact is, intercourse just doesn’t provide enough direct clitoral stimulation for most women to have orgasms. How many men would come if they only had their scrotums caressed. Not many because the most sexually sensitive part of a man’s genitals is the head of the penis. For women, it’s the clitoris, and the majority of women need direct stimulation with a finger, hand, tongue, or vibrator. My book, Great Sex, has a lot on this.

SG: Can you use a toy too much, and will it decrease your sensitivity or desire for just sex and possibly cause harm to a marriage?

MC: It’s possible for a woman to become so enthralled with sex toys that her marriage suffers, just as it’s possible for men to become fixated on Internet porn to the detriment of the relationship. But these problems don’t occur all that often. Most people have a decent sense of proportion and are committed to their marriages. Toys are enhancements, not replacements for a lover.

As to the sensitivity issue, if a woman presses a powerful vibrator into her clitoris for a long time (hours), she might experience some temporary genital numbness. But during typical masturbation or lovemaking, toys, even powerful vibrators, don’t decrease sensitivity. In fact, vibrators often INCREASE women’s sexual responsiveness. Sexual responsiveness has a great deal to do with self-knowledge and deep relaxation. Vibrators teach women about their sexuality and help them feel more comfortable with it, more relaxed. As they become more comfortable with the full range of their own sexuality, they become more relaxed—and more responsive, whether or not they use a vibrator in partner sex.

SG: What is your opinion on couple’s toys such as vibrating penis rings?

MC: If the couple has fun with them, then they’re an enhancement. If the couple doesn’t have fun with them, then such toys are not for them. I’d say: If you think you might enjoy them, try them. They decide if you want to keep using them.

SG: What is the one piece of advice you would give to couples struggling in their sexual lives?

MC: I would give my sympathy. Sex is the cause of a lot of couple grief. However, most sex problems can be fixed, or at least minimized to the point where they are not longer festering sores. I’d urge couples to start with my book, Great Sex. If that doesn’t provide sufficient relief, then I’d urge them to consult a sex therapist, professionals who specialize in couple sexual issues. You don’t have sex with a sex therapist. And the therapist doesn’t watch you have sex. Sex therapy is talk psychotherapy with a sexual focus and some “homework.” Studies show that 4-6 months of weekly therapy resolves about two-thirds of couple sex problems. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) at www.aasect.org. Click the map of the U.S. and Canada, and get a list of all the AASECT-certified sex therapists in your state or province.

SG: What is your opinion on Passion Parties and companies like it?

MC: I love Passion Parties. Passion Parties is all about strengthening couple’s marriages by enhancing their intimate time together. Who could object to that? It’s the Lord’s work and I’m all for it. That’s why I’m a professional consultant for the company.

I would like to thank Mr. Castleman for taking the time to do this interview with me. I look forward to speaking with him more in the future. For more information on how to contact him or to order one of his books, please e-mail me at Shiloh@intimatepassions.net.