Listening to A Father’s Voice

Jeremy Schneider has held a lot of roles in his life: he started out as a therapist and non-profit founder, then ran a staffing agency, managed a marketing and communications department, and was an IT director. He’ll tell you that all of those roles have contributed to who is today, but none as much as the role he took on when his twins were born. Having children gave Jeremy new insights into himself (read on) and a new focus on what he wanted to do. Realizing that he’s always wanted a career helping people, Jeremy switched back to a being a therapist. And he now spends his train commute writing his thoughts about fatherhood in a series of articles called A Father’s Voice and he keeps a blog about daily experiences with the twins called The Two Okapis.

Clever Parents really likes Jeremy’s thoughts on fatherhood and parenting and we’re happy to announce his addition as a columnist. Jeremy’s work will be appearing in a monthly column titled, fittingly, A Father’s Voice.

Clever Parents: What do you think the challenges and issues fathers of this generation are facing that previous generations didn’t face?
Jeremy Schneider: Many of our fathers never had to worry very much about the balance between work and family – their primary responsibility was providing financially for their family. A good provider was, by definition, a good father. However, for many men now, that is no longer enough. Many young fathers now didn’t have the opportunity to spend quality time with their fathers growing up, but feel the absence of that experience, that connection. They want it to be different for their children, but don’t have a role model to follow and thus are figuring it out as they go. Being an involved father is incredibly rewarding, but also extremely challenging, for it forces us to grow as people, to grow as parents and to constantly adjust to better meet the needs of our children. All of this while trying to maintain a healthy relationship (again with no role model, because at least half of us grew up with parents who divorced) and still providing a significant percentage of the family’s financial security.

Clever Parents: Do Stay-At-Home-Dads have different issues than those who leave everyday?
Jeremy Schneider: Absolutely! Stay-at-home-dads have some wonderful advantages over dads who work outside the home. But it is not easy because their existence breaks many stereotypes people are used to. Too many SAHD (too many dads in general, frankly) have had to hear someone ask if they were babysitting, or took the day off to spend with their kids. While constantly facing the limits of outdated stereotypes, they are also forced to deal with the societal expectations that men are the providers, and if they are not bringing home the money, then what value do they really have?

Clever Parents: What has fatherhood taught you about yourself?
Jeremy Schneider: Oh wow. I don’t even know where to start with that question. I think it has taught me that I am more flexible than I thought I was. What I mean is that I used to think I wasn’t that spontaneous or playful or adaptable or some other self-imposed limit. But what I have realized is that they were only limits because I had never found something for which it was worth breaking through those limits. My children are worth breaking through those barriers and have given me the motivation to continually change and grow. I believe any limit I have is a limit on them, so I can’t afford to ignore my limitations because I don’t want to pass them on to my children.

Clever Parents: What can dads do to blunt the perception that they don’t matter or are not involved?
Jeremy Schneider: Educate themselves and others. There are still too many dads out there who don’t believe what they do matters, who don’t understand how important they are in the lives of their children and we need to change that. It is why I started writing a series of articles called, Hey Dads…You Matter! I am researching studies on parenting and fatherhood and writing articles about them in an easy-to-understand style to help educate fathers and mothers as to the benefits to children when fathers are highly involved. Information can combat this perception and can educate men and women, mothers and fathers, about the benefits, strengths and contributions an involved father has in the lives of his children. That includes parenting publications and web sites (except, of course, for Clever Parents) that have yet to fully grasp that involved fathers are not just good for their children, but they are good for mothers and for their partnerships. Fatherhood is about men, but it is a family issue.

Clever Parents: What is your background?
Jeremy Schneider: I have actually wanted to be a therapist since I was 9 years old because I always wanted to help people feel better. I got my master’s in marriage and family therapy and started a non-profit called Empowering Children and Families, Inc. (ECF) by the time I was 25. ECF is one of the things I am most proud of in my life. Its purpose was to foster the confidence in individuals to create stronger families. I ran it for four years in Philadelphia, and it was an incredible experience.

Between then and now I have done so many different things, all of which have helped me become who I am today. I ran a staffing agency, managed a marketing and communications department, developed a knowledge management department, was a research director and director of information management. Along the way I learned a lot about technology and that has helped me build my web site and even produce my A Father’s Voice podcasts. But through everything I have done I was always a therapist at heart – I always wanted to help people. When my children were born and I survived the first year with twins, I realized it was time to focus on what makes me happy once again. If I’m going to have to leave my family, my children every single day, I want it to be because I am doing something important, because I am helping people. Soon I started writing my first article on the train, then a second. Before I knew it I had ten, then twenty and now I have almost 40 articles I’ve written about parenting – especially fatherhood. In addition, I write almost every single day about my experiences in my Two Okapis blog (www.jgs.net/twookapis).

Clever Parents: What inspired you to start your blog?
Jeremy Schneider: At first I thought it would be a great way to get better at writing. Articles have a certain structure to them, but with a blog there is a bit more freedom and I began to realize I could write about all of the stuff I find interesting or important but that don’t necessarily have a place in an article. I began to think of Two Okapis as what happens between my articles or between A Father’s Voice. I truly love writing there and look forward to my train rides so I can write what is on my mind that day. Every A Father’s Voice column has (or at least tries to have) a lesson for parents, but a post in a blog doesn’t have to – just like many parenting experiences. Actually, I can’t tell you how many times I have started to write something in Two Okapis that was bothering me and found out why it was bothering me by writing about it. The writing has actually become very therapeutic for me.

Clever Parents: What has been the most remarkable experience about becoming a father?
Jeremy Schneider: Oh wow…That’s a tough question. There have been so many experiences that have been remarkable or incredible or have awed me. I think probably the feeling of being loved by my Okapis, my children, has been the most surprising and powerful experience for me. Before I became a father, I knew how important it was for me to love my children unconditionally, to love them completely, to make sure they knew and felt I loved them. But I never once considered what it would feel like to be loved BY my children. It is truly remarkable. I always knew I would have an enormous impact on them. I never expected how much of an impact they would have on me. Even more interesting has been that their impact on me has helped me to help them understand how important they are, how special they are, how much they matter to me and my wife. Our love for our children allowed them to feel and show love to us, which in turn has made it easier to help them see how much they are loved, how unique they are. Love creates more love.